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I just finished four pages. Two of those are notes and outline, which I usually don’t count in my page count, but today I’m counting them. Why? Because it makes me feel better. Our daughter, Trinity, got up singing, so cheerful. She’s so excited about the trip. She loves to fly. Loves hotels. Loves travel. I have worked very, very hard that she never saw me fearful in front of her on a plane, or on a trip. I have flown with Trin on one side and Jon on the other. To Trin I was cheerful, upbeat, and explaining how the plane works. My other hand was clutching Jon so hard I bled his thigh through his jeans. When Trin is with us, I have to be better, braver. I will not share my fears. My family shared their’s in abundance. The buck stops here, with me, no sharing the negative. You can’t help but share some negatives with your kids, but I feel it’s your duty as a parent to give them the best of yourselves, not the worst. She is one of the most upbeat kids I know. Which means we’ve done our job. But there’s always today to screw up.
One of the scariest things about being a parent is that there is always tomorrow to screw up so badly that the child will never recover. You think I’m exaggerating? I was a child. I remember. Trust me.
I’m off to have lunch before we head for the airport. Aaah! Be brave. I will be brave. I really don’t have any choice. Okay, I don’t have any choice I’m willing to make. Be brave, because the alternative is unthinkable. I will not fuck up now. I will not fuck up now. I will not fuck up now. You have your mantra’s, I have mine.