Angels, Demons, and the Writer
The hardest thing about writing is that you are alone with your personal demons. Now let’s define terms; when I say demons, I mean personal issues so large, so painful, so intimately damaging, that it either cuts your soul to face them, or heals it. You don’t have to be writing about the issues that make up your personal demons to have them torment you as you write. Oh no, it’s more insidious than that, just as writing will call the muses to you, the angels come to dance around you in shining choruses, so creativity calls the demons. I’m sure there are writers out there that are so mentally and emotionally healthy that only angels come to dance around them when they create, but I’m not sure I’ve ever met one of those writers. Most of us are fairly self-torturing, emotional angst seems to come with the job description. I don’t mean we all go through life doom and gloom, oh woe is me. Some of us are fairly cheerful people, actually. What I mean is that when we sit down to write we are alone with our thoughts.
If the idea of being alone with your thoughts doesn’t give you a twinge of panic, then I’m not writing about you, but for most of the writers I know we both crave to be alone to create and dread it. Some days it’s all muse-driven inspiration and the pages flow like the proverbial water from the cleft rock. Those are the days that I love the best. The days that make me think being a writer is a great career and all I was ever meant to do, or be. Then there are days when nothing is coming down the muse-highway. I sit and I stare at the screen for hours, literally sometimes, or I write and erase, or I write and rewrite, and its all terrible. Or the writing is good enough, but it’s like dragging each word out of the void one painful inch at a time. Those are the days when I think, maybe I should have bought that horse farm, or become a field biologist, or . . . runaway and joined something, somewhere, anywhere but in this one room in front of this damned computer, trying to draw words out of thin air.
“If you can’t stand your own company alone in a room for long hours, or, when it gets tough, the feeling of being in a locked cell, or, when it gets tougher still, the vague feeling of being buried alive–then don’t be a writer.”
― Graham Swift
Your angels tell you positive things and hold hands with your muse, or sing behind her like upbeat backup singers, but your demons . . . they sing other songs. They start out with actual issues from your past, and most writers have things that haunt them, its part of what fuels most of us, but after they hit the real issues the demons move onto other things, false things, lies. Demons are those voices in your head that tell everyone, “You’re not good enough. She’d/he’d never go out with you. You’re too fat, too thin, too short, too . . . something. Your thoughts aren’t important enough to fill a whole book? That’s boring, you’re boring. People will hate your writing. They’ll reject you. She/he will reject you.” See, everyone has those negative voices in their heads that I call demons, its just that some of us have louder ones, or more persistent ones, or maybe we just don’t know how to shut them out as well as you do.
I never sweated rejection either in dating, or in writing, I accepted it as a given in both. But it was just one boy saying, no, he didn’t want to go out with me. Okay, there, done. Now I knew he wasn’t interested so I could move on and find someone who did want to date me. I always saw it as their loss, not mine. Dating you have a fifty/fifty chance, but writing is much harsher odds. Writing is designed to get you rejected.
“My first Anita Blake novel, Guilty Pleasures, was rejected over two hundred times.”
“The first thing you have to learn when you go into the arts is to learn to cope with rejection. If you can’t, you’re dead.”
― Warren Adler
I like writing quotes, they help me realize that what I’m feeling is felt by a lot of wordsmiths. I am not slogging in the literary salt mines alone, or at least while I’m digging in my mine, I know others are getting just as tired and discouraged as I am. I find that comforting, and one of the reasons I’m doing this blog is to reach out to other writers, especially the beginning ones and say, “Look it’s hard, even for me, but if I can do it, you can do it.” You are not alone.
But we are alone while we create, and most of the time that’s great. In fact a certain amount of solitude is absolutely necessary for most of us to write a novel, or even a short story. We need to be uninterrupted by real flesh and blood people while we play with our imaginary ones. But the rub is, alone with our thoughts means there’s no distraction from what’s in our heads, our hearts, our souls. We try to pour all that onto the paper and turn into fiction and share it with others, but . . . You knew there was a but, didn’t you? But the personal demons come like vultures on days when the writing is slow, and the muse is reluctant or missing in action. On days when the writing flows and shines, and it feels like magic, you can almost feel the brush of angel feathers on your cheeks, but on the other days, the hard days, if there are feathers anywhere around you, they’re black. Black isn’t a bad color necessarily, Odin’s ravens are black and He is a God of inspiration, poetry, language, and magic, so black wings can inspire and lead you to greatness, but they can also pick over the corpses of your dead dreams like carrion crows.
My demons don’t have wings of any color, or pitchforks, or any of the traditional Western ideals of devils and demons. My demons are the voices in my head that tell me, I can’t. That I’m turning perfectly good paper into garbage, or back in the day when there was no internet and everything had to be printed and mailed, “I was killing trees to no purpose.”
Those are the days when I’m most likely to post things on twitter about fighting dragons, but dragons are not demons. The latter come wherever they smell hesitation like blood in the water for sharks, they gather when they feel you weaken. A moment of doubt is all the negative voices need to whisper horrible things in your ear. One of the ways I chase them back, force them to shut up and leave me alone to create is to pick up my metaphorical shield and sword and go hunting the dragon. I see it as taking the fight to the monster, rather than letting the monster have the upper hand. On a bad day, the dragon wins, but I know that I will take up my sword, my pen, my keyboard, the next day and I will fight on.
I’m going to stop writing the blog now, because that can be a distraction from the actual purpose of writing novels. Blogs are so fast and so much easier than writing a novel, especially on days when the demons are loud in my head. I’ll leave you with some more quotes that seem appropriate for the topic of inspiration, personal demons, personal Angels, and dragons.
“If I got rid of my demons, I’d lose my angels.”
― Tennessee Williams, Conversations with Tennessee Williams
“An artist is a creature driven by demons. He doesn’t know why they choose him and he’s usually too busy to wonder why.”
― William Faulkner
“You can’t wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.”
– Jack London
“Fairy tales do not tell children the dragons exist. Children already know that dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children the dragons can be killed.”
― G.K. Chesterton
People on the outside think there’s something magical about writing, that you go up in the attic at midnight and cast the bones and come down in the morning with a story, but it isn’t like that. You sit in back of the typewriter and you work, and that’s all there is to it.
– Harlan Ellison
33 thoughts on “Angels, Demons, and the Writer”
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Demons come for us all, yet your words are the light that shines to scare them away. Love your writing and thank you for writing such a powerful, independent woman. Thank you
Rejection I can handle, words are no problem, imagery, plots and character formation are all there. My problem… The damn beginning. If a book has a slow or unappealing beginning, I just won’t waste my time. So to start the beginning of my own? That’s where my demons come in.
So very very true… sometimes those voices in your head can be so loud and obnoxious that they override anything the angels may be trying to whisper in your ear in an attempt to allay the self doubt that the voices are bludgeoning you with. But it’s blogs like this, passages like what you have written and shared with us that allow us to strengthen those shields, allow us that strength to pick up those mind weapons and fight back against the voices, so we can say to ourselves ‘I’m not the only one who feels like this’ and ‘my words ARE worthy of the page… I just need to get them out of my head and onto the paper!’
So thank you Laurell, thank you for sharing this. It’s the kick up the arse I didn’t realise I needed to get back to tackling my manuscript that I had lost faith in. xxx
Thank you so much for this blog. The last few days have been me fighting the Dragon to get back to the demons. I have thought about several quotes of writing and demons. It is nice to know that even the best fight too. It makes the process less … intimidating. Thank you
Thank you, for putting these words out there. They are needed.
the beginning is super fun! thinking of the end is fun! the hard stuff happens in the middle!
what does it mean to have a meaningful bad guy? how do you do that? all bad guys are not all that bad… just misunderstood.. ok some of them are really really bad… how do you create that memorable antagonist that creates the protagonist and what is the point of this story?
Yup
Thank you so much for this particular page, Laurell – really – Thank You.
Thank you! What perfect timing. I am wrestling with the perfectionist demon, who wants me to rewrite everything in my as-yet-unfinished novel to be perfect. I have given in, but all that does is stall me out on writing altogether. Time to drop-kick perfectionism out of my head!
Thank you so much for writing this. Coincidentlly, I read this post while taking a break from my own demon filled day of writing. As an aspiring author just working on my first novel, you are the writer that I aspire to be. Seeing a great writer such as yourself struggling with the same things that I struggle with is very uplifting! I don’t feel so crazy anymore.
Happy writing to you!
Best,
Danielle
Well I am glad you slogged through the demon days in the past. I hope you find some more strength to soldier on in the future. We greatful fans will be here to cheer you on if nothing else. Also thank you for the autographed copy of the graphic novel. What a pleasant surprise. It made my Monday a bit brighter.
Thankyou. It’s good to know that I’m not alone with having those pesky negative voices in my head. My personal demons are hard to shake, they seem to pop up whenever I write and something I’d been meaning to have fun with, turns all serious on me. Please keep up with your writing, you are an inspiration as well as providing an escape with your books.
Thank you for being so real and honest, your blog has helped me study for my exam, that I’m not the only one with demons running wild in my mind and that I can push through them.
My love of your characters is based on the same thing, real problems and the fight to get through them, Anita has helped me, on many occasions, to fight my demons and be ok with making mistakes so longs as I deal with them as positively as I can and not willow in them, but always move forward.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. My fiancee is the die hard fan and i get to live through her joy. Plus your thoughts on writing help me a lot. Trying to get back into it. You’re so inspiring
I am so happy you can deal with your demons/angels, and that you finally recovers your inspiration, your great imagination. I so much enjoy reading your books, even when translated in French. thank you for the fantastics moments I spend reading and rereading both your series, Anita and Merry.
Laurell you are an inspiration to me. Your books are my #soundtrack when I write. When it gets tough I read Anita and the muse comes back. So thank you. You helped me reach my dream of writing a book and hopefully I can write the second one just as well!
I’m not a writer but, I know I benefit from reading about your writing process. Gaining insight into my own demons and angels. Depression can keep the demons howling in your ear non stop. Learning I can be my own champion is a gift. That metaphysical armor has left a huge impact on how I deal with physical and emotional pain. I can tell my demons enough for today, let the angels dance.
Thank you for taking the time to write this. I have been having a tough two weeks & my demons have been everywhere…your blog made me take a deep breath. I can do this.
Oh this is just what I needed to read today ~ a reminder that I am not alone in fighting the demons that are summoned by the tap, tap, tap of the keyboard
Your first book was rejected 200 times? Thank you for bringing the hope to aspiring authors!
For years I’ve started books, without being able to finish. I let the demons of self doubt win before I even crossed the finish line.
No longer will I let them win. Its time to fight back. Thanks for the inspiration!
My ex said I was “fat, lazy and stupid” and would never amount to anything if he wasn’t there to help me do it. Four college degrees later (without his help) and some non-fiction published and I KNOW I can do it. But those words…they come back fast and hard when I’m staring at the screen. My ‘sword’ against these demons is “If you don’t do it…you’ve let him win. Don’t let that a$$hole win!.”
Many would say that isn’t a good way to deal with it …but hey, if it works, right?
Thank you. This is so true. I cannot say how much this has comforted me.
I don’t know what else to say but thank you. I was having a conversation with a friend last night about this very subject. Thank you for being open about your demons.
A friend of mine linked this post to me today.
I read it after making my own post on a similar topic.
(https://thegirlandthewolf.wordpress.com/2015/07/14/relationship-status-its-complicated/)
I found it to be an interesting coincidence.
Especially when reading : “what I’m feeling is felt by a lot of wordsmiths. I am not slogging in the literary salt mines alone, or at least while I’m digging in my mine, I know others are getting just as tired and discouraged as I am. I find that comforting, and one of the reasons I’m doing this blog is to reach out to other writers, especially the beginning ones and say, “Look it’s hard, even for me, but if I can do it, you can do it.” You are not alone.”
Thank you for sharing. It’s a strange experience being a writer; one that is lonely and rich all at the same time. Thank science for the internet, so we can finally find each other.
Demons are not creature w/horn & hoof, demons are the voices in your head that tell you “you’ll never be good enough”, “you aren’t smart enough”, “you aren’t ready”. I agree w/you, Laurell that I pick up that sword & if I’m going down I go down fighting & I’m taking those demons w/me!!!
Keep up the good fight, love your work!!
This was an awesome post. Belive it or not, it’s the same for visual artists. Staring at a blank canvas or a painting that just isn’t working, drags the same dragons and demons out. Thanks for sharing that you fight them too! Since I love getting lost in your world, it makes fighting my own dragons and demons a little easier!
I have been writing stories since I was 10 or so. Through high school I had the support of my teachers and friends. My demons had not yet been born at that point. Then life happened, and the demons were born. It has been a constant struggle to keep them at bay; feeling so alone and not being able to explain to others what was going on in your head because they don’t understand.
Thank you for this post. It comes at a turning point in my life and I really needed to hear what you said. I am just now willing to take up sword and shield and go after my demons head on. I will not let them hold me back any longer.
This. Literally brought me to tears. Been fighting with my want to write. I want to write a full novel, instead of bits and pieces. Ive been fighting for months wondering if I should give up. I mean, I love it. but maybe I just wasnt cut out for writing. I get stuck with those demons, those, why waste the time-effort- paper. No one will like it, blah, blah blah. then getting stuck with those.., secrets. I write.. disturbing shit to say the least and it isnt a great topic. But it is just what flows out of me. I write about my terrors and fears a lot, and it makes me freak that someone will read it and be like oh, this is your fantasy. uh no.
Those demons are jerk faces.
But this blog post, has given me a brand new boost to get back out there and kick some Demon ass!
Thank you for this. I have been struggling with whether I could write or not. Those demons are what have been holding me back. And fear. The hell with that. Only way to know is to do it right? 🙂
Thank you for writing this and explaining it that way. I have tried to talk about the demons in my mind with others but they don’t understand. I don’t write but I do crafts and art work and never feel that it is good enough. Others will compliment the stuff but I find all the little mistakes that I made with it or I say it is not good enough because I am following someone else pattern. I hate the voices that go through my mind telling me I am not good enough. I wish it was easier fighting them like you say. I love reading your books and what you put up on your blog thank you for writing what others feel but can’t get out.
We are all called to create. We love the urge, the idea, the first steps. The real magic happens amidst the doubts and repetitive thoughts of inadequacy. Keep going. Keep going. Believe in the desire to bring something forth. That’s really what matters.
I began late to the Anita Blake series, it’s my summer reading pleasure for this year. I am really happy that despite the demons that plague good and intense writing, you continued to plug away.
I’ve made it to the middle of book 9, Obsidian Butterfly, and it’s been such a great rush to be inside a series that doesn’t allow me much rest, or peace. It’s hard to put the kindle down at night, and even harder to avoid it until I get out of work.
I have really enjoyed the storyline, the characters, the sheer power of Anita – she’s quite the heroine. I’m looking forward to seeing what will come next as I keep plugging through the series.
I want to thank you for continuing the effort to create these stories. You are a brilliant writer, and so creative with the plots that I’m continually surprised at every ending.
Best summer reading year, yet… and I’ve had some good ones. 🙂
Let the angels dance on, and the demons too. The angels are better entertainment than the demons are.
God Bless,
Rose
The biggest demon I fight is loneliness. I no longer pray for companionship, but to be happy with being alone in my head.
I am trying to be a writer that is all I have ever wanted to be since I could hold a pencil and write my name. I have been fighting a lot of demons lately. I have been fighting most of my life. I have one very big demon that has manifested itself into human form always looking over my shoulder telling me I will never be good enough. Until now that particular demon has always won. I am trying to take my shot and have recently gotten another demon in my ear. Everything in the Universe is telling me it’s my time but there is a lot of fear. I really needed to stumble onto your blog today. Thank you and I look forward to the next Anita Blake or Princess Meredith books.