Men and women are different, we’ll all agree on that, but some differences are not physical and those are the differences that cause most of the misunderstandings. Example; A woman asks a male friend or even boyfriend, “What are you thinking?”
Man isn’t thinking anything. No, really, he’s not. He is in the Zen moment of being a guy. Its pretty peaceful inside their heads in Zen moments. So the man truthfully says, “Nothing.”
The woman doesn’t believe him, because most women have no quiet Zen moment in their heads, ever. Most women are thinking a dozen, or more, things at any given time. Most of us never get just one thought at a time, we get herds of them, all vying for our attention. Its like being trapped in the middle of a thousand conversations all going on simultaneously. When I explained this to my husband, Jon, his reply, “No wonder girls are mean.” Well, no wonder.
Now let’s go back to our male/female conversation. When he says, nothing, the woman assumes he’s lying, because she would be thinking about something, so not only is he lying to her about thinking about nothing, but he must have been thinking something she wouldn’t have liked because otherwise he would simply have answered the question truthfully. So now the woman begins to poke at the man. “Come on, what were you thinking just now?”
He replies, “Nothing.”
She gives him that look that all men dread, the one that covers late night’s out with the boys and forgotten dentist appointments for children, to these moments when the man honestly doesn’t understand what went wrong or why he’s in trouble, but he knows he did something to upset the woman and he knows he is very definitely in trouble.
Now, the man can do several things. Some will make something innocuous up. “I was wondering how long it had been since you got an oil change on your car. You know I had one on mine just last week.” Not only is this innocuous, but it’s being a good profider and family mainatnce person. Also it gives the woman something else to think about, and thus she may be distracted from the man’s lack of answer earlier.
But by the woman presisting and not believing the truth, the man has been forced to lie. But the lie placates her, and life moves on.
Inexperienced men will try to presist in the truth, that they were genueinly thinking nothing. The woman will never believe this, and she will now assume the man was thinking something bad. Oh, like about that waitress she thought she caught him looking at when they went out to dinner last. Or, that he really doesn’t think they’re ready for children, but her biologic clock is driving them both crazy. Or, about a hobby that she sees as an almost direct compettion for his attention; video games also fall under this umbrella.
Most woman cannot leave it alone until they get an answer from the man that would make sense to them. They keep poking at it until the man blows up, and the fight is on.
Let me share a couple of phrases that have saved Jon and I a great deal of trouble for when a man was genueinly thinking about nothing, or genueinly doesn’t have an opinion on something. Either the man will never have an opinion on the question, such as whether the new couch cushions should be mainly gold to match the new couch, or a contrasting color that picks up the wall trim. Most men don’t care about couch cushions one way or the other. A woman could buy cushions so hideous that the man would be forced to care, but short of that point they are couch cushions and men don’t think about them. A man whose been through this minefield before will ape back the opinion that the woman seems to want, or have. There, he’s had a opinion, woman is happy, and its over. Most men honestly don’t care what color, or pattern, cushions a woman buys, but a man can never say that out loud without causing a fight, because to most women saying, “I dont’ care what color of cushions you buy,” Translates directly to this in her head, “I don’t give a damn what color they are, I didn’t really like the couch, and I don’t really care about anything you buy, or our home, or anything in it, you, stupid, bitch.” Man is now in a fight and has no idea why.
The other instance of this is when the man has not thought through to an answer. Women, if you keep pushing and demanding an answer before a man has an answer ready to give he will either give you some answer that isn’t even what he believes, but he’s now forced to defend an opinion that he doens’t even believe in, and it will be an angry answer, because he honestly doesn’t know yet, and by forcing him to answer when he knows he doesn’t know yet, you frustrate him. Most men react to frustration with anger. Now you have a fight.
Let me teach you two near magical phrases that have helped Jon and I avoid problems. When a woman is pushing and pushing at a guy and won’t let it go, when he honestly has no good answer here is your phrase gentlemen: “I haven’t finished thinking about the problem. If you give me a little more time I’ll have an answer for you, but if you need an answer now, I don’t have one. I haven’t finished thinking it through yet.” Some variation thereof seems to work. It lets the woman know you are actually thinking about it, and you will get back to her later.
Ladies, your magical phrase is this, “I don’t want you to fix it, I just want you to listen while I vent.” This should be the beginning of any conversation with any man unless you actually do want him to fix whatever problem you’re having. Men are all about fixing things. They don’t want to talk their problems out, they want to fix them. If you can’t fix it, then some men don’t want to talk about it at all. What good does it do just to talk, a man will ask? I know, girls, we talk about everything, but men don’t. There are exceptions to all rules some guys talk, some girls don’t, but ladies if you start out with a bitching session by explaining to the man that it is just that a bitching session and you expect nothing more than a shoulder to cry on, but you’re not trying to get him to White Knight for you, then it takes a lot of pressure off the man and he may actually be able to listen to you.
If you do not put the magic phrase in front of the talk, then the man is thinking something like this: She must want me to help her. She must want me to fix this. I can’t fix this. No one can fix this. Its too hard, too big, too terrible a problem. I don’t know what to do. She’s depending on me and I’m failing her. What do I do?
This conversation in a guy’s head is not always in the front of the head, but often in the back so he’s not even sure why he’s getting so frustrated and why that frustration is turning to anger. All he knows is he’s angery with her, and now you have the fight.
But think of it from a guy’s perspective. Most men feel that society expects them to save the day, or at least the damnsel in distress. It’s ingrained in them to want to fix the problem, save the day. That’s a lot of pressure to go through life with, actually. If you really want a solution to your problem then tell a male friend, if you only want to vent pick a girlfriend, or tell your male friend that you’re just venting and you don’t expect him, or anyone, to be able to fix this problem. If you want your girlfriend to fix the problem, you will need to tell her that at the beginning of the conversation, too. It does work both ways. So tell the man, or woman in question what you need from them, or want from them, and there you go. If you tell your man you just need to talk. I’ve found that most men are willing to listen, but if you don’t tell them at the beginning of the conversation that you don’t expect them to fix things, then they spend the conversation with the internal dialgoue so loud in their heads about, she needs me to fix this, but I don’t know how, that they don’t actually hear what you’re saying at all.
Its not that men can’t listen, its that they’re panicking in their heads and they don’t know why, but they feel helpless and nothing pisses off most men faster than feeling helpless. So, set the paramenters up front, and take them off the hook. The man in your life may be a much better listener than you think. This will also avoid the guy trying to fix something, when you didn’t want him to fix it, and just wanted to talk about it. Women get upset if you keep interrrupting their venting with solutions. They know that if they can just talk about it, they’ll feel better, but you keep interrupting them so they can’t talk it out, and thus keep them from feeling better. The man is tyring to fix the situation and doesn’t understand why the woman is getting angry when he’s given her several possible solutions to the problem. See, just start off by saying, “I don’t want you to fix it, just listen so I can vent and feel better.” Men, let her talk, and just embrace the idea that merely talking about a problem makes her feel better.
I hope you find these small phrases helpful in your own relationships. I know that understanding the basic differences between how Jon approaches a problem and how I approach a problem has helped us a great deal.
