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I wrote a version of this yesterday, but on rereading it, well, it was a little personal. The temptation on a blog is to treat it like a true diary, something that only you will see, but a blog is not a diary. A blog is a piece of writing meant to be published and shared. Sometimes I have to remind myself of that.
Friday was my first day back at my desk. I got four pages done. Instead of my usual which would be to punish myself for not doing eight pages; I decided to reward myself for doing four. The reward was to acknowledge that four pages after so many days away from the book was pretty damn good I don’t think I realized until the last day or so how punitive I am to myself. Further reward was simply to let myself be done for the day, because that four pages was all I had in me. I could feel it, and I’m a pretty harsh task master so I’m a good judge of the difference between slow writing and just that’s all my muse is ready to write today. The four pages came quickly, easily, and wrote well. Then I was done. I let myself be done, and didn’t force myself to sit in a chair and pound my head against the computer trying to force more out of me than was there to be had. I felt light and airy from giving myself permission to quite the computer so early in the day. It was like a holiday. This morning I got up eager to work, or at least I didn’t feel burdened by the need to make pages. I’m learning, slowly, that I really do work better for rewards than punishment, and I work bloody hard. I seem to work as if I’m going to become a slacker and just drift. Old voices from childhood, I think. That push to always be working. That Puritan work ethic. It’s not a bad ethic, it’s helped get me where I am, but I need to learn to balance it with the ability to rest and give myself a break now and then. Balance, learning how to play, hard lessons for me.
It’s the weekend. But I fear that if I don’t do at least a little work that I’ll loose the momentum in MISTRAL’S KISS that I gained on Friday. Will I? Or is it illusion and fear? Not sure. Do I risk taking today off, after only one day back at work? One of my European business associates described me as German in my work ethic. He meant that I was very focused and very serious about my business. I didn’t see a problem with that. I further informed him that I was very German on one side of my genetics. He found that amusing. Yes, I’m German and Scottish and Irish, and some English thrown in to the mix. Which seems to mean for me that I’m moody as hell, but very poetic about it, can hold a grudge like no one’s business, am artistic and creative but very professional and serious about it. That’s pretty much the German, Scottish and Irish. I’m not sure what the English genetics means for me. I know that Glastonbury, England was the first place I’ve been for the very first time where it felt like home. Jon felt the same way. I’ll watch a show set in that area of England and I’ll get that swell of homesickness. Homesick for a place I’ve only seen once. How weird is that? Can the very genes of your body remember a place that you’ve never seen? By the way, I have no idea where my English ancestors hailed from. I have no idea if any member of my family tree every set foot in Glastonbury before I got there with my family. So, I didn’t go in expecting to feel drawn to the place. Anyway, I’m off to either enjoy a day off, or work a little. Don’t know which yet.