Bloody tears, and Surviving the Internal Storm

May 17, 2013

I dragged myself into the bathroom this morning to stare in the mirror, and thought what is that in the corner of my eye? I turned on more light and though I was crying blood – that can’t be good. In fact my illness befuddled brain went straight to Ebola, and other nasty terrible things, then I calmed down. I was still cocooned in dreams from last night and my dreams are not always the happiest. All you fans that say you’d love to live in my head for awhile, I wouldn’t advise it. My imaginings are often quite terrifying, like thinking I’m crying bright, red tears. What I had done was vomited so hard last night that I’d broken blood vessels in my eye just by the tear duct, so it does look as if I have shiny scarlet tears just waiting to be shed, but they aren’t wet and don’t come off on Kleenex. It’s a weird and nicely disturbing effect, look for me to use it in some story in the future. I’ve thrown up so much and been able to tolerate so little food during this illness that I’ve lost 9 pounds in a week, according to my doctor’s scale. I’d meant to lean down a little, but not like this, this has been pretty terrible.

I was in the emergency room earlier this week, which is how I got the rather gruesome picture of my arm bleeding in the shower. They told me I could shower, but I just didn’t realize The IV site would still be bleeding that much. I tell everyone that my veins are small, deep, and tend to roll, so pediatric needles work best, but no one ever believes it. They always think, they can get it, sometimes they can, but mostly not. They took blood, pushed drugs in, and basically did their job, but there was more blood than one hopes to loose during an IV, and even more to lose during a shower. Watching the reddish, orangish, blood trail down my body and entering the drain totally put me in the mood to write Anita. I know it’s a lot of blood when it goes from red, to orange, and only goes pink at the end. Usually the blood pinks-out much more quickly.

I feel purged and clean today like a shell washed up on the beach, as if I’ve survived the storm and now it is time to rest and figure out what I’ve lost and what remains. Like the debris of some treasure ship broken upon the rocks and now I get to pick through gold coins, sparkling crowns, rare spices and teas in their water tight bags, and mourn the things that burst open and were destroyed. Some things are gone, no salvage possible, but I will trust that I didn’t need them, that I had out grown them, and that what is left is mine – is me. I will gather my shiny pretties, my dangerous toys, my stocks and provisions from the edge of sea where we all washed up after the storm of this last month and I will rebuild. A tropical tree house, perhaps, with a waterfall trailing beside it, and only vines to climb up or down, so that everyday begins with effort and the reward of moving my body through the trees. Or perhaps a small cabin in a meadow full of exotic butterflies, and noises in the night of creatures far stranger than anything I could imagine.

21 thoughts on “Bloody tears, and Surviving the Internal Storm”

  1. Glad you’re feeling better. Great descriptions. Would have freaked me out too!

  2. Sounds like you’ve had it rough but are on the mend. Keep your head up and know that you fans are always here for you!

  3. I often have nightmares to the similar, however, I would still love to be able to live a day in your fantastical worlds. I would love to be Anita for a day to know that so many men could put aside pride and love me. To be anyone in your character stores. Heaven. I do hope that this next week sees you well.

  5. Hi Laurell,
    The solution I have found with doctors or other so called health care professionals is that if you give them a choice to hurt you, they will. My solution for doctors that won’t listen to me is to straight up tell them that if they insist in hurting me I will be more than happy to injure them in return. Example; Having to get blood drawn once a month I was picky about who I allied to draw on me. One day a brand spanking new tech right out of school thought she was going to draw my blood even after I told her no. She asked which arm I preferred and I responded my left to which she made the foolish inquiry of why. I responded with “because when you jack this up I’m going to hit you with my right” needless to say, she went and got the person I requested to begin with. Doctors, living examples of a g*d complex.

    1. I worked years as a medic and yea we can get pushy but as a mother of four, I’ve had many times when my kids had to be poked and prodded, I refused to permit them to be pin cushions, I let them know they hurt whats mine I hurt them problem solved

  6. I hate it when medical professionals think they know your body better than you do. Hey medical folks… some of us pay attentions to our bodies..

  7. I am sorry you have been so ill. I was like that for quite some time and no understanding as to what was causing it, but now I believe it to be the meds. I hope you are feeling better. I love the way you write Anita and you stay true to her. Have a good weekend and know you are in my thoughts and prayers and sending healing vibes…PS I can’t see a letter I typed on here

  8. Sorry to her that you haave been so sick – hope you are bter soon.

  10. Sorry to hear about your experience with the vomiting…I had something similar happen when I was pregnant with my daughter who was my first child. I was working a night shift and attending school in the mornings, newly married, and recovering from a near fatal car accident that my attorneys of the moment failed to pursue.I was so used to waking up at 10 PM that my internal clock had me up at 10:05PM even though my body was sluggish from the pregnancy. I must have gotten up way too fast because I had to find my way clear of the water bed and run into the bathroom to heave numerous times until something from 6 hours before came up…the milkshake and the coney hotdog did not love me at all. When I finshed being nauseous I had blood vessels that had broken not only in my eyes but my face as well. I called my husband who was also working a 2nd shift evening(well mine was third shift) to tell him not be surprised if my face remnded him of the exorcist when he saw me sleeping in the afternoon. I had blue, dark red and purplish lines across my cheeks and streaking from my eye area… I was working residential security at the time so I kind of freaked my co-workers out because I did not wear makeup and I had nothing to cover what was very visible on my face.I was so sore throughmy mid-section because of the vomiting and dry heaving that it made it impossible for me to actual do all of my patrol duties for the night. Luckily I got one of the gate guards to trade off with me for night and that was how I made it through that night.And from that night on I refrained from any and all junk food until my ninth month when I was NOT working because my husband wanted to make sure that he could reach me because we ahd only the one car. I worked far outside of the Atlanta perimeter in the city of Alpharetta.

    I thought I’d share this with you because I know that you have many fans who may not be able to identify with somethings that you talk about but I am one fan who definitely understands the nausea thing and I hope that you feel better soon. I hope that you have the chance to hone in on the Merry Gentry series soon—I so missed her but I have loved what you have been doing with the Blake series. Thank you for sharing your nightmares and dreams because without them I would be missing some valuable entertainment–lol. Thanks again for living your dream.

  11. We have all been there, go back to nature- probiotics and please get your vitamin d level checked– you tube Michael holick he is an expert – a rock star in his file like yourself – I am a meat fan of you both. Be well!

    Vicki – future nurse practitioner-

  12. I’ve had broken eye vessels before. Not from being sick, but still. It is disturbing. Hope u feel better.

  13. Not allowing your body to malfunction in the first place would avoid much of your life’s drama (and prevent necessary story-development within the LKH novels). Due to my own health concerns, I read until I forget to eat or sleep; it makes me forget the pain. I can now quote Anita and Merry much too often on too many subjects. I think I might channel them on occasion.

  14. I bet you hear this a lot, how couldn’t you, but you really inspire me on a level so deep that resonates with my Soul. You give me strength and Anita gives me courage when needed I’m really sad about what’s happening to you, but I’m sending my good intentions and energy across the globe to you. Really, strongly, hoping you’ll get very better soon and ennoble us with yet another Anita book.
    xo xo xo xo

  15. I have the same problem when I got the Dr’s or hospital! I argue and argue!
    Last time I was in hospital I demanded a Docrter write me a letter to worry with me because he and his”staff” caused and blood bubble bruise that was horrible!
    So this Doctor wrote a letter telling whoever took my blood next what they need to do and to use the baby needles!
    I’m happy to know its finally passed for you!
    Have a great week!!
    <3

  16. I truly hope you get to feeling better. Being sick s always ad enough but add to that it being bad and it truly sucks.

    Best wishes to you.

  17. there is no beauty in hanging over the porcelain bowl…. Please be well, loving thoughts your way and healing candles lit.

  18. I can totally relate to the nightmare of trying to get blood from me. I recently went thru my usual ordeal with this when I had a gallbladder attack, surgery and week long hospitalization. Like you I warned the nurses of my problem veins-which were exacerbated by being dehydrated from the GB attack leading up to my surgery. Let me know if anyone can relate to this scenario-
    Me to RN-“I have very small veins, so get the butterfly or peds needle, and send in the floors best IV
    placement specialist.”
    First RN-“Let me see if I can’t just get it..” 3 sticks later-NO LUCK, of course.
    ME TO RN-“Please call the anesthesiologist, you’re going to need her to do this”.
    RN-“No let me get the “charge nurse” [head RN on floor].
    –I can see my veins are in even worse shape than usual (at least the ones I can see thru the growing bruises), and again ask for the anesthesiologist.
    –Charge nurse then tries.
    Take a guess what happens next..no, go on, take a guess!
    –The Anesthesiologist enters with a puzzled expression as to why she was called. She, too, prods around, tries both arms, snapping the tourniquet and like the other nurses tightens it to very uncomfortable levels, but she finally places it at the base of my thumb on my dominate, right hand.
    So after 8, that’s eight, EIGHTS tries I get what I asked for after the second botched attempt.

    Even though I knew this would happen, and my husband, who has worked at this hospital for 35 years, was being more vocal about his displeasure to a level that I rarely see from him, they all acted like I don’t know my own body.

    Maybe next time they feel like experimenting on me I should ask for a one-on-one deal:
    They get to try one on me, and when they fail, I get to try one on them!!

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