Choose Joy
Choose joy
Yesterday was a hard day. I had a serious fight with someone I love. No fight gets as vicious as one between loved ones because we know each other’s weakness, and the painful spots, so we can drive the knife in deep where it counts. Fights with people we care about are the worst for that reason and because if it’s bad enough you can irreparably damage the relationship – forever. There came a moment of decision.
I could hold a grudge and make things worse, or I could choose joy and give the person who hurt me a chance to redeem the relationship. I chose joy, they worked their issues, and it was good. It was so much better than holding onto the resentment and anger would have been. A grudge leaves no room for joy, or healing. I chose to try and to believe we could work things out and today is a much better day. But I did not choose blindly and it took the other person, who was part of the negativity, to work their issues and risk being vulnerable enough to come to me with renewed effort. I did the same, because no matter who is right, or wrong, it usually takes both people in a fight to cause it – even if only a little on one side. Don’t keep score; heal, do better, talk, communicate the shit out of how you got into the bad moment and what you can do to get out of it and onto something better.
Please, notice above that I didn’t forgive and just accept the apology and go on. We both worked the issues that had led to the fight and talked about it. We talked about it until the discussion is almost as hard as the fight, but without the talking and the willingness to work the issues involved, forgiveness doesn’t work. Yes, you read that right. Forgiveness is empty if the person you’re forgiving keeps doing the same hurtful things over and over again because that means they didn’t mean the apology. Or, if they only mean the apology when they are in the middle of the fight, or see the pain they’re causing their loved ones, but then they go right back to the bad behavior – they aren’t sorry. Or they’re not sorry enough to change the behavior causing the problem. If that’s the case, then you’re screwed. Your only choices are to either settle for being dragged into their painful drama forever, or to walk away. If people won’t work their issues, you can’t work them for them. You cannot carry another person’s burden without depriving that person of the lessons they’re supposed to learn to become the best possible THEM, they can be. Look at it this way, if you keep rescuing the princess, she never learns to rescue herself. Or, if you keep putting up with the ogre’s horrible behavior, he will never turn into the handsome prince, because you’ll stay with the ogre. Its hard work to become a prince, or a self-rescuing princess, or a princess if your ogre runs to the feminine sort, or a self-rescuing prince – its freaking hard work to change yourself. People seldom do it for real, they do just enough to get by and then the old habits come back. Old habits, even self-destructive ones are strangely comforting, because they are the known, the familiar. The unknown and the unfamiliar scare the hell out of most people, but if you let the fear of the unknown stop you, your life is automatically limited. Is that what you want, a limited life? No? Then you have to forge ahead into the unknown, explore new worlds, new possibilities, because when the old habits lead you to the same bad places, bad relationships, dead end jobs, unhealthy bodies, the only way to find a better place to be, better relationships, a job you love, or one that supports you and your family better, or both, and/or a healthier body, is to try something new. Don’t let old habits, old pain, old issues, old fears, old unhappiness win! If you and your loved ones are willing to do the work you can find new, healthier habits, heal the pain, work through the issues that are stopping you, conquer the fears, and find yourself happier!
Choose joy, but understand that joy takes work. Decide to be happier, healthier, more productive, whatever you need in your life, and then be willing to do the work to make it happen. Choose Joy, and then work your ass off to get it, and keep it.
34 thoughts on “Choose Joy”
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Thank you for this. It must not have been easy to go through or to post on social media. Sometimes we forget our favorite authors are people too. Your willingness to show your humanity keeps me coming back just as much as your characters. Your post hit home today, so I suppose it was a big cosmic thing that led me to reading this. Thank you.
Well said. Fighting is easy. Picking up the pieces and moving forward in a healthy manor is the true battle.
I’m all for a heathy manor. None of them located in a mosquito filled swampland will do. 😉
Very nice, and so true! Best wishes!
Well Im glad to c u share your problems…..sometimes ppl hold their favorite Author..Actor ect…in such different standards that they don’t see them in minds eye..with having everyday problems .
You are truly an inspiration to us all. It takes guts to share this so we can all learn from it. Thank you!
Have you finished the next book yet?
I’m honestly not sure how you intended this question to come across. At first, I read it as very snippy. My wonderful partner reminded me that there was another way to look at it, as though perhaps you thought, “oh, she’s writing other stuff! Is the new book coming soon?!” That would certainly be different. So instead of my original negative comment that I thought about posting I will say this instead:
Timing is a very important thing. Not only is an author willing to be vulnerable and share that vulnerability with us, her readers, but she is doing so after a hard day for her. If you’re curious about the next book, maybe shoot her a tweet or read other blog posts. Try to remember that authors are people to with lives of their own. They cannot nor should they chain themselves to their writing chairs every hour of every day. Try to be mindful of that before posting a question that is completely out of context to the blog post at hand, okay?
I have been an admirer of your work for a long time. Many of your writings have actually shaped the woman who I am today. The words of your characters, and of your insights on life, are a gift you give the world. And this post, so honest and true, is an example of why you are such an amazing and well rounded person. I wish you joy, and am, as always, inspired.
Everyday is such a struggle when you do not pick joy. The easy way is to stick the knife in and twist. You think that inflicting this pain is going to finally bring you peace. No, that is not what happens. What happens is a brand new pain, that you inflicted. When it comes to someone you care about it is so much worse. You know what it feels like. Your empathy then works for and against you. This is because you know how it feels and you caused it. Communication is a journey for all parties. Your words are either a gift or a weapon. I choose JOY
So elegantly said.
This really hit home for me. I have know this but fear has kept me coming back for more of the same. Big girl panty time.
If its between two other people,not about myself,I walk,and I say… Not my circus,not my monkeys,there are always times when people need to sit and talk that’s what adults should do,most just talk at each other not to each other
Sometimes choosing to be happy doesn’t always work out for both parties especially if it involves a mother and son. You can talk until your blue in the face, What happens when they wont accept that you know what your talking about, and the people he’s living with are slowly poisoning him with words? That is the battle I am going through with my youngest. We got into a big fight over my oldest coming back to live with us. and he, the youngest went back to a hazardous environment that changed his entire personality. Its been 2 months since we spoke. 🙁
Thank you Laurell for sharing bits of your life. Many times in my life your writings forced me to stop and think, and don’t let anger go straight to the head and ruin relationships. Your books (and blog) helped me so much in dark periods. Thank you so, so much.
So true. I’m a firm believer in working on issues when they come up. Silence or enabling behavior makes things harder to resolve when the problem arises again. Communication is important. A relationship worth saving takes work. I learned that the hard way. Ego gets left outside the door when it comes to love.
What I have learnt, “it doesn’t matter who is right or wrong” heck, there is no right or wrong.
So, I wonder how long it took you to figure that out…..took me years and lots of therapy. I find you so inspirational sometimes it’s scary. I’m going to go back through Anita’s books and find my favorite “quote” of all time. I wrote it down when I originally read it, but lost it later and really wonder where that part of the book came from. Thank you for being open and honest!
So true, and so needed at this moment in my relationship. I am going to share this with my SO. You stated so eloquently what I have been trying to share with him to help him/us to move forward in our relationship and make it what we both crave and need. Thanks again and best of luck to you, Jon, and your SOs in the dynamic (my brain is fogged and I can only remember one of their names with any surety, for that I apologize!)
I always say you don’t lose until you quit trying. Every day is a chance to get up and do better than the day before. We just have to want it bad enough to keep fighting for it. Expect challenges. Expect them and know how you want to respond to them. Have expectations and go out and work for them.
Bravo! Thanks for the great words and the renewal of my fight to be better than yesterday.
Hilary
Well said. Thank you.
Bout all I can say is, Always fight fair. Even (or specially) if they don’t. By hitting the soft spots unrelated to the specific problem, you inflict as much damage to yourself as to the other. It affects your own self-worth, in your own eyes. And if you wanna get away, you can come hide here.; sometimes the geographic cure works. Helps gain perspective for a open-eyed return. Love ya and feels for ya, kid.
Thanks so much for sharing, I know how hard it can be to talk about painful things. This topic struck home for me as my daughter and I had recently talked about how people deal with emotions (or don’t deal). My daughter talked about a friend that was so angry she not only kicked her own backpack but encouraged her friends to join in (they are all around 15 years old). I have spent years teaching my kids how to acknowledge and deal with their emotions, and I encouraged her to share her experiences with her friends. After reading your blog I will have to share it with my daughter (she loves your books too, and is working on an Anita Blake costume for Halloween). I know she will love the ‘Choose Joy’ as much as I do, and will share it with her friends. Hopefully her friend can work through her anger and choose joy instead!
Thank you for writing “Choose Joy”. It’s exactly what I needed to read today. I always enjoy your posts and think you are very brave to put so much of yourself out there. Also, thank you so much for the many hours of pleasure I’ve gotten while reading and re-reading your books (all series) – you are my very favorite author.
Very well said. I think that is something that we all need to be reminded of on occasion. Thanks for sharing.
Choose joy. Such a simple concept that carries so much meaning. Sometimes we don’t feel like we deserve it, or we self sabotage, or we are just complacent in our lives but being truly happy really is just another choice that you make. I’ve been asked why I’m so positive and how I remain happy all the time (This damsel has been in distress many many times). This comment can be annoying, I mean, come on, I’m not always happy but other times I just think to myself that this life is a stage and sometimes you just have to fake it till you make it. When you choose to not let things that are out of your control affect you – you become resilient and before you even realize it, you are no longer the damsel you once were (speaking for the princesses out there). This princess can save herself – knight in shining armor need not apply (haha). Although… if you’d care to change my tire so I don’t have to, who am I to say no? On a serious note though – often reading your books allows me to escape – don’t we all desperately need that once in awhile? I needed to read this today, sometimes we all need that reminder to stop feeling sorry, stop being angry, and to just choose to move forward. Thank you for posting exactly what I needed to read.
I have been married 44-yrs and it is hard to keep a relationship. Sometime you need to just forget. I don’t usually forgive. We have learned to just drop it and go to separate room until we calm down and can talk or ignore whatever it is….
We do have a few things if they happen there is no coming back from but I won’t go in to them after that you have to work it out or not and give up and you see we try to work it out….We have decided that we have tooo many years invested in this relationship and he is my best friend no matter what else has happened…The bottom line is Do you want to keep this person in your life that is the question you have to ask….ITS is always the Question??????
This is almost word for word what I used to tell the ex. I hated arguing and always tried on my part to diffuse, because in the heat of the moment, things are said that can’t be unsaid and honestly, I seldom forgot the emotionally poisonous barbs that inflicted a great deal of hurt. I’ve always felt forgiveness is a blessing, but is often taken for granted. Those that receive true forgiveness can never imagine how lucky they really are. Forgiveness is truly underrated. In any case for me, letting go was best. The ex is an ex for a reason as the “I’m sorry” was always only said and never meant. There is an old country song lyric (ironic, right?) that I always thought of when dealing with this issue. “Words are cheap and I love yous are free, so unless you mean them, don’t spend them on me.” Insert “I’m sorries” in place of “I love yous” and the meaning is the same. Thanks LKH, I am glad I am not the only one who feels as such. As I have aged, I really have seen how truly short life can be and circumstances can change on a dime. You never know what tomorrow brings. So, “I Choose JOY” has been my motto for a while now. Live in Joy today…always.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I know it could have been easy to share something so personal with hundreds of total strangers. But you did so at the perfect time. It really spoke to me. And touched of things in my own life that definitely needs some joy and changes. I printed this off and put it somewhere I’ll see it on a daily basis. To remind me even my favorite author goes through some of the same things. Thank you again for this. Blessings and love to you and your family.
I am sorry that you and your loved one had words that hurt each other. But, it is good that you can move past that. But, I do have something I would like to say to you. I am wondering when or if we will see another book about Anita and Merry? It seems that your books have been slower to come out anymore. I miss them. I have always looked forward to your next book Just as I defend you from others that do not like your writings, your lifestyle and so on. But, I will always wait for your books. I enjoy them so much. Please, Please write us another wonderful book. I miss all of the people in Anitas life.
Dead Ice hasn’t been out very long. In fact it is still on the rental shelves at my local library. LKH usually gives us at least a book a year. That is not slow. Try waiting for Dianna Gabaldon to finish a book.
Thank you for sharing. Choose Joy and many of the replies it has inspired have all been received at a time when advice was needed.
I hear what you’re saying but it’s not so easy for the male to do. Easier for us to lose and forget it. 35 years and the last were the best. She died not divorce.
I just came across this blog and is so perfectly timed for what’s going on in my life. I just had to choose joy by letting go of someone I love very much. It was what you were saying about only being sorry in the moment and not enough to change. Thank-you for this. It’s helping me stay strong and remind myself why leaving is the best possible thing for us both.