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What do you do when you’re overwhelmed and a little down, and you know that the true end of the stress in nowhere in sight? What I normally do is off the books, because my sweetie is broken until further notice. So that’s off the table. So, what to do? I had errands I had to run just to keep things running in the household, so I turned necessity into pleasure by driving The Foose. I hadn’t driven the Baby in ages, because Jon can’t bend well enough to get in and out of it. I’d forgotten how good it feels to slip into that seat and have the car infold me. It still has that new car smell, or maybe it’s just the scent of the Foose. Maybe this car, like some men just smells good to me. Maybe. I let that throaty roar of engine envelop me, and concentrated on the movements you need to drive a car like the Foose. I’ve gotten good enough that I can listen to music while I drive. I don’t need the sound of the engine to tell me when to shift. But I found that I wanted to hear the engine. I wanted that purring, vibrating sound, to be the only sound in the car. It’s peaceful. It’s fun to pull up beside some guy in a car, and watch his eyes. It’s the car, not me. I know where the car geeks are looking, and that’s okay, it’s a nice car.

I was able to do the errands because our friend, Richard, came over for a play date with Jon. The new 360, and the new games beckoned the boys. They played Dynasty Warrior 6 and LEGO Batman, until Jon got tired and then they put on the latest tivo episode of Mythbusters. One of our favorite shows. But Richard, allowed me enough time to go out shopping for a birthday present which is due, and now overdue. I hit my favorite metaphysical store, stocked up on incense and other necessities. They were also having a book sale, which is something I can seldom resist especially when informed that most of the books are now out of print. Then to the nearest Hallmark store, because we needed a card to go with the present. I love card stores, always have. I have a present closet here at home which has cards filed and ready for use. I was getting low, so I bought extras of things I might need. I love finding the perfect card for someone. It just makes me happy. I also bought some Halloween decorations, and some new mugs. I do love mugs. I bought two with the kind of sayings that Anita could take to work to bug Bert, and one that was a positive statement to help remind me that I really do love my job. I’m just stretched a little thin in other areas of my life, and having trouble finding ways to recharge my batteries. I found a leather bracelet at the metaphysical store, that smells like leather, like saddles and well cured pelts. One sniff of it, and I keep feeling that sensation of cinching a saddle in place. That creak of the saddle as you settle into it. Strangely, I’ve not ridden much, but the tactile memory is so strong, so comforting, so real. A flash from the past maybe. I don’t usually find the thought of horses comforting. They tend to try and get me off their backs in interesting ways. But the bracelet smells wonderful and the scent is very calming. I like leather, the smell of it, the touch of it, but it’s a little hot for a leather jacket right now, so the bracelet was a nice find.

I’m re-reading the Spenser series by Robert B. Parker from the beginning. It was one of my early favorites, and a new Spenser book will still send me to the bookstore. Why read from the beginning, because I’m having such trouble reading other people’s fiction. I find myself editing it as I read, and that’s no fun. But the familiarity of these books is helping me ease past that, and it’s fun to watch Spenser meet Susan, the love of his life, for the first time. I’m looking forward to Hawk’s first on stage appeareance. The writing is good, and it’s interesting to watch how his style changed over the years. Reading someone else’s stuff is helping calm me, too. When the anxiety builds I grab a book and read for a few minutes. It helps slow the noise in my head.

Right now, I’m drinking hot, black tea, with more sugar and cream than I should probably be using, but I’m easing up on myself in some areas for the duration of Jon’s recovery. We’re still on Jenny Craig, we’re still being good. One of the my errands yesterday was a trip to there to restock on food. My goal today is treadmill, bubble bath, and to make an appearance at my Writing Group’s twentieth anniversary dinner. Yep, that’s right, the Alternate Historians have been together for twenty years this year. We had this dinner planned ages before we knew Jon would be having the knee operation. Sigh. He can’t go, and I can’t leave him alone that long, so I’m hoping to be able to pop in for a few minutes at least. We’ll see how it goes.

Must concentrate on the positive outcome. When Jon is through physical therapy we will be able to: Go dancing again, yea! Hiking. Bird watching. Ren Faires. Walking together. Walking the dogs. He’ll be able to exercise again. (not sure he sees that as a plus but he’s promised to do what needs doing, and I’m holding him to it). Just being able for me to go out and know that he’s not going to hurt himself, or be trapped with no way to move around safely. Jon being able to get on a plane and not be on crutches. Be able to do a lot of things without being on crutches. And, yes, sex. When his knee is well, we’ll be back to our more usual adventuresome selves. Really looking forward to that part. I have to say, if I ever had the home life that some of you believe I had, with all the extra men, this would be the perfect time for it to be true. I don’t just mean the sex. I mean errands, and helping take care of Jon. What most people don’t get about truly being poly is that it’s not about being promiscuous, but about having an extended family. (Admittedly, some people use it as an excuse to simply sleep around and feel justified, but to me, they miss the point.) Right now, it would be very nice to be able to tag team other adults for some of this work, and truly know you could count on that comforting puppy pile at the end of the day. Extra hugs would also be very nice. But I will muddle through like most of us do, with my little nuclear family. But come on, wouldn’t it be nice to have just one more adult you could count on, or a couple of them? You guys fantasize about the sex if you want to, I’m beginning to fantasize more about help around the house, and emotional support. Admittedly, all three would be nice.