Find the Happily Ever After that Works for You
At the gym, at the women’s luncheon, hair salon, I’ve had a variant of this conversation often:
A woman in the locker room at the gym is obviously upset, so much so that she needs to vent. She and I are probably about the same age, so she sees me as a potentially sympathetic audience. She starts by saying, “My ex-husband . . .”
I admit that I, too, am divorced.
It’s a common story, we both married college sweethearts, and after sixteen years for me, and over twenty for her, the marriage ended in divorce. She goes on to talk about what seems to bother her the most. He’s married to a woman that’s over a decade younger than he is, and that much younger than she is. Sometimes the age difference between the ex-husband and the new spouse is closer to twenty years, but the story doesn’t change much except for that.
The woman is attractive, the gym workout shows, but she goes on to compare herself to the young new wife, and talks about how no one in their forties, or fifties, can compete with someone in their thirties, or twenties.
I’ve gone quiet, just letting her talk, because I’ve learned that’s my best alternative, but she finally says, “You know what I mean? We give them the best years of our life and then they leave us for some young thing, and we’re supposed to be out there dating again, but this time we’re up against the same twenty-year-olds that our husbands left us for, how unfair is that?”
I smile, trying to avoid answering, but she presses, they usually do. She wants me to stamp her ex-wife card, but I can’t.
I finally say, “Actually, I left my husband, and I’m remarried to a man that’s twelve years younger than I am.”
The look I get is never friendly at this point. The women never seem to know what to say, they thought they had a kindred spirit and somehow by me bucking the stereotype it’s like I betrayed the sisterhood. I have yet to have any of the women be happy for me, or say, “Way to go,” nope I’m suddenly lumped in with the bastard husband and the sweet young thing that stole him away. The women suddenly don’t want to talk to me anymore, because I found dating after my divorce easy, once I started dating younger men. I agreed that men in our own age group were confusing, but then I found them equally confusing in college when we were dating them in the first place.
I had the same problems with them in my thirties that I’d had in my twenties. They expected me to be a kind of cheerleader for them, their goals, their ambitions, and their careers. I’ve never been big on the rah-rah, and my own goals, ambitions and career has always interested me more than anyone else’s. By the time of my divorce, I was a New York Times bestselling author, and I actually had men totally panic when they found out, as if they had no box for the fact that I was at least as successful in my field as theirs, or more successful. Rather than seeing it as a good thing that we both had great careers, they seemed intimidated by it, or at least less interested in my job, than I was supposed to be in theirs. For the most part they bored me, just like they had in college. I perplexed them or left them looking for someone who would be a bit more adoring, again just like in college.
Men about a decade younger had usually been raised in households where both parents worked outside the house, or by single moms. They expected everyone to work and have a career of their own, in fact your job was part of what you brought to the relationship and the possible future, because it was expected to need two incomes to get to the same place that one was supposed to take us back when I was in college. The new attitude worked for me, and I had no trouble dating once I moved a decade younger.
I admit to being a little weirded out about the age difference at first, but it just worked for me. I was thirty-eight and Jonathon was twenty-six when we married. We will be celebrating our 15th wedding anniversary this year and unlike the last time I closed in on this mile marker, I’m happier now than when we first married, which is pretty awesome.
I’ve had women who are still married, or who have never married, be happy for me, and ask how I managed to marry a younger man, but never one of the women who tell me their story and find out mine is the reverse of theirs.
How did I do it? First, I wasn’t looking for someone to take care of me, not in college or a decade later. I wanted a partner, someone who would work with me, not work for me like some kind of salaried slave. I know that the women who stay at home and invest everything in this old-fashioned scenario are just as trapped, because they often haven’t had a job since soon after college, so they’re out there with no work history and are ironically competing for jobs against the very same demographics that their husbands are successfully dating. But if you listen to them talk about their ex-husbands, and the men they are trying to date, it’s like it’s all about the man’s earning potential. I’m told that the male version of this is that the woman is valued for her looks and how she being on his arm can help his career or his reputation with the other men. I’ve never bought into either mindset, so this really is second-hand information for me. It’s funny that in my fifth decade I finally understand the mystery of why I didn’t fit into my own typical generation.
In first grade I was the only child who’s parents had divorced. Now, it’s about half of most classes, or more, where children are dealing with a divorce, or maybe their parents never married, and don’t plan to, which I’d never heard of as a kid. My mother went out and worked to support me, while her mother, my grandmother, stayed home and took care of me. Again, it wasn’t the typical arrangement when I was in elementary school. By the time I was in second grade my mother had died in a car accident and it was just my grandmother and me, which again made me odd kid out. I still remember one of the little girls teasing me that my mother was dead. Anyone who says that childhood is sweet and carefree, doesn’t remember what it was really like, or their childhood was much different from mine.
I realized just a few years ago that my attitude is literally decades younger than my actual age and I now believe it is that my childhood was much more typical of the generation after mine, than my own. Is that what has made me open to the new technology? I’m just as likely to be on my smart phone as the people I’m with, and I wish my friends that are my age, or older, would text more. It’s a great way to keep up with people on a daily basis. I love sending and receiving pictures and little notes, from friends and lovers. I also keep discovering new music, new bands, and most of the people in my age group seem to have stopped at the decade they graduated from high school, or college. I totally don’t understand that, but I was raised with almost no music in the house, so I have no affection for my high school, or college, sound track. In fact, I don’t have a much of a musical reference for those years of my life. I discovered and really grew to love music after college when I started writing my first novel. Music will forever be entwined with writing for me because of that. Jonathon brought a lot of music into my life. Now, we take turns finding new music to add to our shared iTunes list. Jonathon took me to my very first concert, and yes, I was in my thirties before I ever went to a concert of any kind. I was too busy writing and trying to establish my career when I was in my teens and twenties to waste time on concerts. I was driven to succeed, that didn’t leave a lot of room for fun. Other people that we dated brought more music into our lives. New bands, new singers, and we began to make friends with some of the musicians like S.J. Tucker, or Kimberly Freeman of One-Eyed Doll. Jonathon finally learned to play the bass and, no surprise, he’s good at it. I can finally say that I’ve dated a musician.
My first marriage I earned my big white dress and thought the idea of never being with anyone but my husband a great idea. I bought into the traditional story, and when that didn’t work I threw out the storyline, because it hadn’t been true for me. I thought, if society could be that wrong about that much, then maybe what I’d been raised to believe wasn’t the only truth out there. So, in my thirties I went out into the world and tried to discover some truths that did work for me. Those of you happy in a traditional marriage, I’m happy for you, I’m only saying it did not work for me. I found that nearly everything that society expected of me didn’t work for me. I’m the major bread winner in a career I love. I make a good living at a job that is traditionally not a secure field, but I’m twenty years and counting, so I think I’ve found my career path. The men who thought I was too aggressive and masculine in my attitudes in college, can keep their own attitudes; I’ve found that men and women, a decade or two, younger than them and younger than me, are fine with my drive and ambition. When I first started dating Jonathon some of my acquaintances, and even a few friends, thought he was my boy toy, my fling after leaving my first marriage. When I decided to marry him, some of them didn’t understand. I was marrying someone the age of their children, which was a little weird even to me. You have a fling with the younger man, you don’t marry him, and he certainly isn’t your happy ever after, but it has been for me. Our girlfriend Genevieve has been part of that happily-ever-after. We will be celebrating our fifth anniversary of dating this year. Now, she’s brought her wonderful husband, Spike, into our lives. He and I will hit two years of dating later this year. I have restrained myself in all those conversations with other ex-wives in my own age group because I could have added that I’m also living with a beautiful young women in her twenties, just like their ex-husbands. I didn’t set out to date any woman, since Genevieve is my first girlfriend ever, but the fact that she was literally half my age when we met, is just another part of the wonderful weirdness in our lives. Spike is twenty years younger than I am, for those who are wondering. The four of us are living together and it works for us, but to get to this happy place I had to throw out almost everything society told me I was supposed to be. Was it scary? Yes. Did I get my heart broken along the way? Yes, several times. Was it all worth it? Yes, very yes. Could it all have blown up in my face? Hell, yes. A few times it did, but I was still happier out, than in.
I guess what I wanted to share from my own experience is to not let age, or society, stand in your way. If you like someone, date them. If you love someone, marry them. Don’t let age, or the stuff that doesn’t matter in the end, prevent you from finding happiness. Be yourself, no matter how weird that may seem to others; it’s your life after all, not their’s. It’s alright to be afraid of taking big chances, but don’t let the fear stop you from taking the leap. I know for me, that if I’d stayed where I was behind the safe walls of my first marriage and a corporate job, I’d still be miserable, that wasn’t going to change. How sad that would have been, and oh, how much I would have missed.
29 thoughts on “Find the Happily Ever After that Works for You”
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Your happiness is really good news and a blessing. I am almost 50 and recently married a man 15 years older than I am. I think you’re right a good relationship is less about the age of partner and more about finding people and situations that you can be the most happy and productive in. I have met people in their 50’s who still live as if they’re 13. I’ve met people in their 20’s who live their lives with the wisdom of the ageless. A toast to your happiness.
Gratz on how long you have been married. And I am blown away that you are so close to my age ( 55 going on 56 for me) You really don’t look like it. As to the fact you are in a nonconventional marriage…well if it works for you ok, So what if he is so much younger than you. Are you and he happy? ( It seems YES VERY) as For your relationship with Genevieve and her husband. THAT IS YOUR BUSINESS. all others can just go stuff it. I know it is not for me, I am a 1-1 type person. That is right for me. ( as to what other say, uhm just what do they think the 999 of soloman’s wives did every night????? Really do they think he slept with all of them at once ( big bed )) Polygamy has been around since there were more than 1 man and 1 woman. It is none of their business. You and your family are happy, Both husbands, and your cowife. ( even if the law forbids the legality, that is what your relationship really is.) cool. I hope you all have at least 15 more years, or if you all live long enough another 30 or 40.
I want to be just like you when I grow up! Thank you for sharing!
I love your writting. Finding out the Alpha male you married is a bata bisexual guy who wants to be a woman and married you for your kindness and backbone of steel and will never let his brothers or dad hurt him. That was my eye opener.
His was the sweet young thing he tryed to introuce to bdsm already knew more than the basics. (I was a early admit collage freshman.)
I think that is why I love Laurel’s writting so much. She hit on in her writting on so much that was destroying and the rebuilding of my life. Like G-ds love doesn’t stop at traditional walls.
My triad had 10 wonderful years and my partner and I have been widowed for 3. No one gets it. We are 2 but used to be 3.
I qm ok at this point in my life but wish there was more community. And less bashing of our life.
Good luck to you all. No one knows what.hard work goes into these relationships.
My condolances to you and your partner Kate. And my congratulations on a very happy decade together before beig separted.
Thank you so much for this piece. I wait for your writing, whether it is new books or articles. You never disappoint. But this particular topic has been exactly what I needed right now. I am getting ready to turn 40 this summer and I have always been single. While I don’t regret anything I’ve done in my life, I admit that I am lonely. But I have NEVER found a traditional guy that interested me. I just want that person who makes me want to come home and share my day. Recently, I started dating a guy that is 18 years my junior. He is smart and interesting and makes my mouth water. This is a rare combination. I find that people act as though it is a lark and he’s my boy toy and I have had doubts just because of a number. Thank you so much for sharing your non-traditional success. It really made me realize that I need to keep making my own choices and living by my standards. The rest of the world doesn’t have to live in my life and it is time I stopped letting their opinion decide how I live it! Thank you again! You are a true inspiration. I still think about what you said about only saying positive things about yourself so that your daughter didn’t learn to put herself down. Keep being you!
Truer words have never been spoken then the ones you have just shared with us . Yes, I can sympathies with the wife’s who have been left by there husband’s but like you it was not for a younger women. I am barely getting separated from my spouse we where never married and have 3 wonderful children and your words gave me courage because I am scared sh*t less to go out there and date and see where my life will go . But I’m ready I have spend 15 years of my life with the father of my children and it’s time to move on.
Thank you , for being so open and honest . I for one am very glad you got divorced and re married because with out that chosen path we might not be here today!!
Nothing in life is set and somethings can never be placed into a mold you have to make your happiness how ever you see fit to find it.
..and how much we, your readers, would have missed!
I am turning 52 next month and my last husband was 11 years younger than I am. It was my second marriage. He left me for a woman 22 years younger than I am – but that’s his loss, not mine. :grins:
I have been told I am intimidating due to my intellect (I hold 4 college degrees) and my drive and ambition. My response? Suck it up, Buttercup. My ability to make choices and have a career should not limit or intimidate your ability – or inability – to do the same. Find it a motivating, encouraging thing? Great. Find it scary and ‘too masculine’ or intimidating? Tough.
I had both my parents throughout my growing up years – but my Mom was the first one in our neighborhood to work outside the home. We were always told we could be ANYTHING we wanted to be, no matter what. If we wanted to be a doctor or an astronaut or a writer – good for us! And there was no limit on what you could try or do, simply because you were male or female. I credit that upbringing, and my Mom’s example of working in a male-dominated field, for helping me see life without boundaries.
Thank you for sharing part of your life story. I too have been married and divorced (twice). I walked away from both of them, nobody cheated. (To my knowledge.) After the second divorce I started dating men between 10/15 years younger than I was. Their energy matched mine more than an older mans. After a few years I decided to live pretty openly with multi partners and it just clicked for me. I live my life on my terms and not how society says I should. 🙂 Happy many anniversaries !
Huzzah! So glad to read this. Love is hard enough to find, that if you do find it, grab on with both hands, and don’t let go!
I enjoy reading your posts and the way you share so much with your readers. I have been reading your books for several years now and hope to be able to continue for many more. As far as the age difference it’s only a number if the person makes you happy that is all that should matter. Wishing you and your family much happiness.
Thank you. How true about the judging. My husband is 14 yrs older than me. For both of us this is our first marriage. I had been engaged to someone closer to my age but it didn’t work out. They where very immature and I felt I was more a mother than a soon to be wife. We get some pretty nasty looks when we are out in public and give each other a kiss. I needed someone who was a lot more mature than most of guys I was trying to date. We have been together 10yrs and married for 6 of them. I wouldn’t change it for anything. I think what you have with your family is great and the fact that you guys care and love each other is all that matters. As you say enjoy the time and life that makes you happy.
You are a wonder and an inspiration! ♥ ♥ ♥
Your reality rocks! Mine is pretty awesome too 🙂 Traditional lifestyles just do not work for everyone…
I love reading your posts. I’m a huge fan of both your series, but also of your real life. My husband and I have been married 21 years and are very happy. We’ve just started expanding our experiences and are loving it. I’m in my 40s and he’ll be 60 this year. Life is so much better now. I don’t feel as held back by society as I use to. I think I’ve out grown the worry of what everyone else thinks.
Thank you so much for sharing, being in an unconventional relationship/marriage myself it is wonderful to see someone else happy with the weirdness that is their life.
I am married to a wonderful man who is my age but he is asexual and I am pansexual, we were told that being a the two extremes of the sexuality scale that it would never work. 6 years in we are still proving them wrong. Still looking for our third/fourth and I agree that the heartache is worth it, or at least we know it will be in the end! You give us hope that we will get there in the end.
Let no one who is not in bed with you make any bedroom decisions for you.
Orenda, other than age and time difference (hubby is 9 years older than me and we’ve been together 7 years) you could have been telling our story 🙂
Thank you Tammy.
I know we are not the first to go through that but there was no road map. We two greaving for the lost one. No book, website or councelor.
But the 10 years everyone was together oh that really is the treasure. Thank you for reminding me.
You are an amazing lady I’m still looking for my happily ever after its nice to hear that you have found yours and I love your books
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I found your work about three months ago, and have since then devoured every book that you have written and I can get my hands on.
That being said, one of the major draws of your work, for me, was the way in which you wrote about love. You didn’t toss out any definition of it. You didn’t make one version more important (or less) than another. You write about sex in the way that I think about it. In fact, I had to check your birthday, because I would have sworn you were a Scorpio, lol.
I have not yet found myself in a situation with a person other than my current husband (third husband) where I could imagine adding to our relationship, but I don’t discount it. So far, our Happily ever after is a story of two.
I have always been fascinated by polygamy. It just seems like a good idea to me. I don’t think it should be one-sided, but an equal partnership between individuals of consenting age. I just see it as a way to have the best of all possible worlds. Best friends, lovers, and differing personalities and ways of sharing love?
I would just like to say that I really admire you. You are my favorite author; and when I was reading Affliction, I realized that Anita was poly, and she always has been. My fiance is poly, but I am not. I want to try it out but I am scared that things will go terribly wrong, just like with my first marriage. It seems that the first marriages don’t always last as long as they should, even if it is 10 to 20 years down the road. I know that I want to make him happy, and I feel like I am standing in the way of who he is. I don’t want to leave him because him and I do make a great fit together. What helped you realize you were poly?
For me, it was several things.. 1) I have a very high sex drive, 2) I don’t really equate sex with emotions, and I don’t necessarily equate relationships with sex (hubby is mostly asexual because of meds), 3) I 100% trust my husband to be completely honest with me at all times and he feels the same, 4) We are both secure that no person will ever come between us.
I personally recommend working on your own coupledom foundations first, because if the foundation is secure, you can experiment and add to without everything falling down around your ears the first time somebody sends him a nude pic… if you aren’t sure, be honest and open about it.. let him know where you are coming from and your comfort levels with trying new stuff… and let him know if it isn’t working…
My story is a little different. I was married for 35 years and then she died, It’s been a while since then. I dated another and then she died. I’m semi-recovered and looking to date again but I’ve been thinking about a younger woman (I do not want to lose another to death).
Go You!!! I’m glad you have found what works for you… and to hell with what other people think. Everyone is unique. I’ll be 34 in a few days and have never been on a real date. I am still searching for what makes me happiest, in my occupation and in my love life. I was raised with one set of values and morals, yet felt so restricted by them it was a total relief when my parents divorced. It opened up a new world of possibilities, both for my parents and me. One parent took the opportunity to find happiness… the other seems to wallow in the past and can’t move beyond it. Seeing something like that firsthand has allowed me to realize what I don’t want my life to turn out to be. I just need to find my courage and kick my own ass out of the rut I’m stuck in due to fear of failure and censure form others- especially family members.
I’m one of those women who was married for 20-some years and finally got divorced. But I’m gonna say congratulations on finding a person and a situation that works for you and makes you happy.
It would be wonderful to experience your (Laurell K Hamilton) curated music “playlist” for various books. (Also would be an extra income source if you could get a percentage if it resulted in music sales) But it would be great to experience the mindset behind it.
Or an even bigger curated playlist of sensations: wines, coffees, perfumes, music playing, foods, things-to-touch (fabrics, rope, guns, horses), smells, sensations….
I’d love your Playlist for getting into the Writing Mode, or the moodsetting recipe for doing the daily writing.
Creative writing is an alien artform I (and my peers at corporate) would dearly love to try but cannot figure it out.
I love that ya’ll are so happy and out. My husband and I have been married 17 years and have been with our “girlfriend ” for 4 years. We have had A LOT of ups and downs but I feel like we have all benifited from it.
I am so glad you started writing the Blake series because it gave me the bravery to be who I am. I’m extra blessed because my husband grew with me and NEVER judged me, for which I am eternally greatful.