Holidays and the Broken Pieces
Do we ever get over wanting our parents to approve of us? Do we ever get over wanting that Hallmark movie moment with them? For most of us the answer is, no. No matter how old we get, or how accomplished we are. There’s still a part of us that is five and wants to jump up and down, and say, “Look at me! Look at me!” Or fourteen and wanting that word of praise on the football field, or at the science fair, or just anywhere, any time from the person who raised us.
I think this is part of what makes the holidays so stressful for many of us, that we’re still chasing our parents’s approval. For many of us it’s a rigged game, like carnival games that no matter how good you are, you can’t win. You’re never going to get that stuffed panda, or an atta boy, or atta girl from your parent. So how do you keep those unmet needs from ruining your holidays, and maybe raining on everyone else’s?
Honor that excited five-year-old. Don’t tell yourself I’m twenty-four, or forty-four, and too old to still be stuck there. (I tried that for years and it just doesn’t work.) Honor that awkward fourteen-year-old that’s still stuck under the mistletoe with no one to love. You can have more than one inner child inside you feeling lost and alone, and they’ll be different ages, so honor them all. Honor that moment that you didn’t get your needs met, or when the world collapsed around you and part of you got stuck. Sometimes it’s a true trauma, a death in the family that you were too young to deal with, but it can be much less trauma worthy to the outside world and still have hurt you deeply. Don’t tell yourself that it wasn’t that big a deal that you didn’t get asked to the Christmas dance, not if your fifteen-year-old self is still stuck there feeling unloved and unwanted. Honor your teenage self by dragging the memory into the light and telling her it’s all right. If you have romantic partner tell them about it, and let them help you comfort that stuck part of you, and maybe just maybe you can begin to unstick yourself and heal.
If the hurt involves family sometimes you can share it with them and that can sort of exorcise the ghosts of past pain, but if the circumstances that caused the pain are still present they may not be much help. Or they’ll tell you, that was so long ago, why are you the only one holding onto that? Just because it wasn’t a trauma to your brother, doesn’t mean it wasn’t one to you, so honor your inner child and love yourself. Sometimes you can’t explain it to your birth family, but you, yourself can love and honor your own inner self. You can love your own inner child.
If at five you didn’t get the teddy bear Santa promised you, and there’s still a part of you that’s moping over that long ago Christmas, then go out and buy yourself a teddy bear. Sometimes literally you can parent that inner part of yourself. If that stuffed toy, or train set, or sparkly dress not being yours is still making part of you that unhappy, stop telling yourself you should be over it by now and gift yourself. Sometimes it can be that simple, and no one has to understand why that in the box mint train set means so much to you. The only one that really has to know is you and that inner five/ten/twelve year-old.
If your inner child is tired of your mother fixing your favorite vegetable every year, because it’s actually your sister’s favorite vegetable, and you actually hate black-eyed peas, then cook your very favorite vegetable and bring it with you. You know what your favorite things are, cook them, make them, and bring them yourself. I hear some of you out there saying, but I want my mother to acknowledge me, rather than her favorite which happens to be my sister. Well, yeah, so did I, but waiting for your parent to fix an issue they don’t realize is an issue, is sort of a losing proposition for you. If you’ve told your parent that it’s not your favorite veggie for years and they still can’t remember, then it’s not going to happen. I’m sorry, but you can fix your own favorite veggie and bring it, or bring the fixings for the dish and cook it there in your childhood kitchen. Think how empowering it is to not only fix your own favorite food, but to do it in the midst of all those childhood ghosts.
You do not have to wait on your family to acknowledge your pain, or your unhappiness. You can acknowledge it and act on it, because that way you are in charge of it. You can parent your own inner child rather than waiting for someone else, that puts the power to heal yourself in your own hands. You can love yourself and love your inner child/children. You can take control of it and be the adult you, yourself needs, or needed long ago. Empower yourself this holiday season and treat your inner child as if they were a real life child that could take your physical hand and look up at you. Do for that younger part of you what you couldn’t do then, and maybe it can still be the happiest time of the year.
24 thoughts on “Holidays and the Broken Pieces”
Comments are closed.
Thank you for the words of wisdom. We all appreciate you and all your hard work. Thank you for Anita and her strengths. She is teaching me to be stronger and to go after the things that I want & need in my life. So for that I thank you from the bottom of my heart ♥️. Merry Christmas to you & your family!!
It’s too easy to stay tied into an “I should just grow up and get over it” emotional cell. This is lovely, and happy holidays to you and yours.
I’ve been living this during the last couple years. I grew my hair out to my waist and I realized I was waiting for my father’s approval as he thinks short hair is ugly. I posted some comment on Facebook about how long it was and he made some remark about taking care of my hair which is something he ragged on me about all through my childhood. Insinuating that a 41 year old can’t take care of her hair was it for me. I went out and chopped it all off, 18 inches of it. I felt so freaking free and I still do because I now know I will never have his 100% approval. We aren’t speaking anymore and I’m off my anxiety meds and I’m just happier now. I also now have a doll collection, coloring books, all the things I always wanted as a kid. I finally have a Cabbage Patch Doll that I was always so jealous about. My husband and I both are having small childhood moments and it’s wonderful. Ms. Hamilton, have a wonderful holiday season and a fantastic, new year filled with strength of spirit and creativity.
Thank you for this.
Love that you have a black cat….I miss my sweet Blackie every day….enjoy your cat…they fill a need with their purrs and snuggles you didn’t know you were missing…
Thank you! I apparently needed to hear this tonight! I hope you and yours have a Happy Holiday ?
This absolutely resonates with me. Thanks for saying it so effectively.
You are absolutely amazing. Thank you for being your beautiful self.
My mother and sister disowned me when I finally acknowledged my losing battle with depression and got help. Years of silence later, while a part of me is very grateful to not have the constant disapproval and raging disinterest in my life, I still find myself wondering why they never saw me as a real member of the family. I have three young children of my own now, and I sometimes find myself in the position of having no idea what to do in certain situations…because my parents would usually just shut me away and force me to do it myself.
How do you ease the need for a mother, when you don’t even know what it’s like to have a parent?
I needed to read that. I bought myself what I wanted for Christmas. I got off my arse and went to a 12 step meeting earlier this evening. I relate so much better to animals than people. I have a Service Dog, Shadow. He keeps me getting up every day, no matter how I feel. I can choose to be with my biological family or my family of choice, those who accept me for who I am not what they want me to be. That’s my choice this holiday season. Nice to hear from others who are of similar experience.
By the way, congratulations on completing your allergy shots. Enjoy the new four legged furry in your life.
Thank you for writing this. I needed to hear these words. I have no relationship with my parents for many, many, terrible reasons. That inner child is still there wondering why, and dwelling on things. I understand and get what you are saying, so much so, that you have helped heal a little part of me. Thank you for that.
Laurell… Ms. Hamilton, I don’t think you could know exactly how much I needed that tonight. After another reminder of the fact I’ll never get my moms approval, I came home in the worst mood.
Thank you. For all your books, for your blog… for everything. You’re amazing and I appreciate it all!!!
So true. My mom is gone, and my dad is in a nursing home with dementia. I can’t address the issue with them, because it is not possible to tell them being constantly passed over for my younger sister was so damaging. So I have to give to my inner child the things my parents gave my sister, and not me. (Thankfully, my wife does this occasionally too. Like the giant teddy she gave me for yule this year that I always wanted.) Sometimes a bit of self care that may seem silly to others, goes a long way to healing your own heart. Happy Holidays!
I read your words and am in awe of you. Such strength you have to lay your soul bare. I am an open book to those in my life who need it, but you put these parts of you not just “out there”, but it is as if you send these bits purposely out to the entire universe. I have shared your words often, although some I am greedy over. Regardless, thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your shining soul. Blessings to you and yours this holiday season
A very powerful piece as I’m going through those same feelings this year. Well, let’s just say I’ve carried them for years and they are now coming to a head. I reached out to my sister in law and she gave
Me some insightful ideas to get rid of toxicity in my life even if it includes a family member. I must say that after talking to her and reading your article I don’t feel alone.
Thank you. I struggle with this all year and your words strike a chord within me. I appreciate the wisdom of your experiences and the willingness you have to share them. Blessings to you and yours!
Thank you for writing this .enjoy your kitty !
Happy Holidays, Laurell.
Holiday Greetings Laurell,
I just wanted to let you know that a black cat is the best cat! Blessings upon you and your new baby! Congratulations upon getting over your allergies!! It warmed my soul to see you decided on a black one. I learned when you own a black cat, every time they cross your path, it’ll bring you good luck!
… So I got two! ^_^
Happy Yule!
This has touched something in me because I’m bawling. I guess I have quite a few inner children who need attention. I was always the good responsible one who was never good enough, while my impulsive irresponsible brother was/is the golden child. Thank you for sharing your journey.
This post touched something in me because I bawled as I read it. I guess I have several inner children who need attention. I have been the good/responsible one who isn’t good enough, while my irresponsible brother is the golden child. Thank you for sharing this.
I hope the kitty and the dogs become great friends.
It took me almost 30 years of therapy to realize that my narcissistic mother and her Golden Child mini me were NEVER going to accept me. I went away from every family get-together wanting to put a bullet in my brain from the hurt and pain. Now I limit my time with them to once a year – at Christmas – and am seriously contemplating going no contact at all. I would do that in a heartbeat, but then I would never see my brother or nephews again either. Now, I come home from time with them and vent online. I get all the shit they did to me THIS TIME out of my system in incredible detail for the world to see. Let the world judge the situation. And guess what? Everyone gives me love and support and tells me how horrible they are. It is wonderful and life-affirming to be told by friends and loved ones that I AM loved. I AM enough.
That was a poignant and meaningful blog post, a reminder we all need from time to time. In other news, I now realize how lucky I am to be able to have a cat sans allergy shots.