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I’ve run into several women lately, and a few articles, that make me feel like sharing some of my dating strategy. What are my credentials for this advice? I’ve been married twice. First time lasted for over a decade and I have a lovely daughter from that marriage. My second marriage is eight years legal, nine years as a couple, and every year just gets better.  Did I mention that Jonathon is 12 years younger than I am? I add that because it seems to impress other women. I simply found that I had trouble dating men in my own age group, because they had trouble with my independence, my honesty, and that my job was as important to me as theirs, some even complained that I might make more money than they do. I found that younger men were less likely to have these hang ups. 

1. If you get the idea that a man feels like buying you drinks, or dinner, entitles him to sex, and you don’t think it does, be up front about it. When I was freshly divorced and not with my lovely husband I ran into this attitude. I started paying for my own stuff, and with one particularly pushy guy, I said, out loud these words, "You seem to think that the price of dinner is the price of my virtue. It’s not." He didn’t understand the comment.

He lost points for pushiness, not being quick enough verbally to understand the comment, and completely off the dating table because when I explained in more detail that he wasn’t getting sex from me at the end of one date he didn’t want the date. Guess what, I didn’t want the date either, at least we agreed on something.

Women, if you feel pressured to put out when you don’t want to just because a guy spent money on the date, then pay for some of the date. But always remember don’t have sex if you don’t want to have sex. Period.

Now, those women out there who are horrified at the idea of them paying for anything and are still living in the dark ages when women had no money, no power, and were basically chattel. Cut that shit out. You make the rest of us look bad.

1a) A brief word about what we are hearing from some of the young men. They, too, are feeling pressured to have sex when they don’t always want to, and feel that the girl expects them to want sex and if they don’t then their masculinity is questioned. The same rule applies to you guys, as to you girls, if you do not want to have sex then don’t!

2. I hear that women are afraid to be rude when a guy comes up to them to hit on them. Do not tell them they are too nice for you to date them. This is a lie and it perpetuates the stereotype that we don’t like nice men. I love nice men, I’ve never been attracted to the bad boy. I’m about to be terribly sexist, but in reverse. That old saying that you want your wife to be a nice girl everywhere, but a bad girl in the bedroom, well I feel that way about men. If a guy is not nice I don’t give a shit how he is in the bedroom. (Let me add that just because you’re dressed all in black and have a penchant for leather doesn’t make you a bad boy, it just means you look good in leather, and that’s never a bad thing.) My idea of nice guys and most people’s idea of nice guys means I don’t look much at the wrapping paper. In fact, I’ve had more bad experiences with men who liked suits and ties, and normal guy stuff, then the Goths, or any other fringe group.

So how do you turn a guy down? My rule used to be that if they got up the courage to ask me out, I’d do one date, unless I got the creepy vibe off of them. Creepy vibe men are to be avoided at all costs, listen to your lizard brain it could save you from date rape or worse. Now, if there is no mutual attraction at all, don’t tell them that; it would be like a guy saying he didn’t find you sexy at all, it would hurt. It’s not about hurting the guy, just being honest. I used these words, "I’m sorry, but no." Or, "Thank you that’s very flattering, but no thank you." You don’t need to make up excuses, you don’t need to pretend you have a boyfriend, you don’t need to do anything but say that little phrase. Be nice while you do it, but that’s it, you are done.

I’m told that some men actually get angry when they get turned down. I don’t think I’ve ever been asked out by a man that insecure. Apparently, I just don’t attract that type of guy so I can’t speak to it.

Let me add, women if you like a guy, ask him out. I’ve always done that. Ask them out, they say no, then you know they don’t like you as a date, so you can stop worrying about it and move on. If I asked them out, I paid, unless the guy was very insistent about, then I’d try for Dutch, and when all else failed let him pay, but I always felt weird about it. I like the rule that whoever does the asking out, pays. But that’s just me.