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I did not finish Bullet last night. I made the executive decision that I, my husband, Jonathon, and my friend and assistant, Carri, could not all go on three hours or less sleep two days running. I’d sent Carri to nap so that she could take the late shift from Jonathon. Good idea, as far as it went. But I went back to my computer and stared blankly at the screen for at least twenty minutes. I knew exactly what happened next I was simply was too tired to write it.

I sat at my desk with the banks of windows on either side and darkness fell around me. As the light faded around me I felt despair descend. True, and utter despair. I’ve felt despair before over the death of loved ones, or illness, or injury, or, some political happening, or some horrible natural or manmade disaster, but I sat there last night and felt it because I was still at work as it got dark. Usually I love to still be eager and working at my desk that late. It means the book is going well, but yesterday it wasn’t about the book going well. Yesterday and all the days before this for weeks now, it’s been about the deadline. If Bullet is to make its June publication date then the deadline cannot move anymore than it already has, that’s just the truth. There is only so much flexibility in a pub schedule and mine is used up.

I sat there last night and my head went so ugly. Thoughts, feelings, everything just went to the very bad place. I know that place isn’t real. It’s a place of lies. The lies that tell you everything you’ve been doing is pointless and you’ll never be done, and other irrational falsehoods. I know they’re irrational. I know they’re not true, but when my head goes to that very bad place they sound true. Normally, I can tell myself positive truths to combat the dark thoughts, but last night I was all out of bright and happy. When I realized just how dark my mood had gotten I let Jonathon and Carri know that I was calling it for the night. We were all dangerously tired. If I kept pushing us all like this we’d be sick, or just fall into the pit of despair. Oh, but wait, I was already there. No, not true, I was teetering on the brink though, and I wanted to put a stop to it before I fell in for real.

I had offered to let the two of them sleep while I labored on, but they wouldn’t. They won’t leave me alone to fight into the darkness. It was actually the thought that they would stay up, too, and not rest that decided me. I might risk myself, but when others suffer, too, I’m more likely to make wise decisions. Abusing myself seems more okay than pushing everyone this hard.

Sleep was a wonderful thing. Seven and a half hours sleep was soooo much better than three or less which has been average for weeks. Okay, four or less, but still it adds up, or subtracts from everyone’s stamina. So refreshed I came to my office and found that my computers had updated. I was going to let them do it after I finished this book, honest, but over night they’d decided to do it with, or without, permission. I’ve been hitting no, don’t update, for days. So I couldn’t go straight to work because of course the updates are causing problems. Could we please go back to the age of the computer dinosaurs when people actually got the bugs out of things before they made their customers use them. But now everything is up and running. I will post this, put the link up to various places and God willing I will finish the book today. Even typing that makes me feel more tired. When this book is done I have promised myself some down time, and this time I plan to keep that promise. Well, at least I won’t be writing another book right away. My idea of downtime is often to do something totally different creatively, but whatever refreshes me is the goal.