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I’ve spent the last week planning a fight. THE FIGHT. The fight where Anita and Richard finally say everything there is to say, and she walks out. I’ve spent the last week doing pub for SEDUCED BY MOONLIGHT, and dealing with bouts of illness in the family. I’m never at my best when I can’t immerse myself in the current book, but leaving it where I had to leave it, was just crappy. I avoided it for a solid week, partly because I truly had no real time, but also because I was dreading the fight. I’ve reread the chapter presiding, to get back into the flow, and to my great surprise, I don’t think we’re going to have a fight. I said in an earlier blog that Richard is that part of me that didn’t want to be who and what I was. That part that wanted to be ‘normal’ ordinary, whatever that means. I thought I’d come to terms with that part of me, and that Richard was the last remnants of it. But I realized that I don’t hate Richard because of Richard, I hate Richard because he’s a piece of myself that I still hate. How weird is it to hate the part of you that makes you hate yourself? Hating the hatred. I hate how he treats Anita and himself. But most of all I hate being reminded of that part of me.
I haven’t truly embraced all of me. There are still parts that I hate, or am afraid of. Dealing with Richard reminds me that I still have work to do inside me. God, I hate this ongoing process of self-discovery. When does it end? When do you get done? When do you run out of shit to shovel? Never is what it feels like.
I’m fighting with myself. Don’t you hate that? I know I do.
How do you embrace yourself when most of your life you’ve been taught that what you are, and what you want, and what you’re good at, is wrong, even evil? How do you shake a lifetime of negativity? How do you let it go? A piece at a time. One small, bloody, painful piece at a time. Let it go, and feel how much lighter you feel. Let it go, and know that there’s a reason that you are the way you are. There’s has to be a reason, or all is madness.
I believe that the universe is an orderly place, and thus it can’t all be madness.