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Josh Olson wrote an article for the village voice where he was rude. I would never, ever, ever, tell anyone that I will not read their fucking script, book, short story, or whatever. I just don’t have it in me to be that rude. But having said that, if you read the whole article I have to agree with his point. The point is that most of the people don’t actually want you to criticize them. They want to be patted on the head and told they are wonderful.

Here’s the fantasy: Unpublished writer goes up to successful, professional writer asks for them to read their work. Writer reads it, thinks its the most wonderful thing since sliced bread, sends story/book/screenplay to their agent with new writer’s permission. The agent loves it, too. Agent takes on new writer as client, and this first time effort sales for big bucks and the new writer is on his, or her, way to stardom. That’s the fantasy.

Here’s the reality. The newbie says they want your opinion, but Olson is right. Most want a pat on the head, they want the fantasy. I used to try and give opinions to people, but a few hostile reactions and I completely refuse to give on the spot reads or opinions. They seldom want your honest opinion and they never, ever want you to tell them it’s terrible after only a few sentences. They will then tell you, "But it gets better."

If it gets better, then put the better at the beginning of the story, because an editor, or a agent in New York is not going to read past the bad to get to the better. That is the truth of the business that I’ve made a living in for over twenty years. Your words must speak for themselves, because you will not be in the office in New York, or L.A. explaining what you meant, or how it’s actually a metaphor for something else, your writing must stand, or fall, on its own merit. Does that seem harsh? Maybe, but it’s the truth.

I have had new writers hand me entire stories ten to thirty pages long. They want me to read it. I take it and say I will, then they say, "Now, I want you to read it now."

I’m serious here. They look at me with the big doe eyes, or worse the big hostile eyes, and demand that not only do I give my opinion but that I must read the story in front of them and give them my opinion right then and there. That is a lot of pressure to be under. I did it once, and it was a terrible story. I knew that from the beginning, but she urged me that "it gets better". I read it all the way through. It did not get better. I had to find something positive to say to this woman. It was a terribly awkward moment. This was very early on in my career, and since that moment even if I did take the story in hand, if they then said, "No, read it now." I handed it back to them and politely refused. I had one man, big guy, (why is it never small, fragile people that get pissed at you) get angry at me, because I would not drop everything I was doing at a convention where I was a guest and read his 30 page novelette which was part of his epic novel.

I will no longer let anyone hand me, or my people any unpublished piece of work. Anything sent to us will be returned unread or be shredded if there is no SASE. Why? Because there are still newbies out there that think their idea is so good that no one else could possibly come up with it, and my agent, and me, both think the risk is too great. You can thank every lawsuit ever brought against a professional writer for that little bit of caution. It used to break my heart to refuse to read people’s stuff, but one day it occurred to me that outside of a writers workshop, or class, where I’m paying for the privilege of having a writer read and give an opinion on my stuff I’d never, ever asked a selling writer to read my stuff.

I had written, rewritten, and sent out stories to editors that could buy them. I had collected rejection slips. Let me say that if one editor says something, ignore it. But if two editors have the same criticism make a note. If three editors all say the same thing, then take the criticism to heart and fix your story.

And also, may I add what if my opinion was harsh, but true to my way of thinking, and it crushed some new writer? It’s just my opinion and not every story is my cup of tea, and there are certainly some stuff being published that if I were an editor I would have rejected, but these writers are making a nice living off of stuff that makes me cringe within a paragraph. So what if I’m wrong, and there is a great market for what you write, but I personally hate it? Nope, not doing it. Take your fate and find someone else to bop it on the head.

Also, I get more books and stories to read from editors, publishers, my agent, clients of hers, friends of friends, people I actually know, to read than I will ever have time to read. And wait, I’m supposed to be writing my own books. I average 55 hours a week just at my desk, folks. I also have a husband and a child I like to see occassionally. I have friends, some of which I have not seen in person in months. I’m beginning to feel like the Ghost of Christmas. They remember me, but haven’t seen me in awhile.

I’m also trying to find ways to actually relax and destress so I can come back refreshed to my desk. Because if I don’t find ways to fill up the creative tank my muse is going to go on permanent strike and I may just runaway with her.  I will be back to work on actual book pages when I finish this blog. My deadline is so close I can feel its hot breath on my neck.

But I had to say, that though I don’t agree with the language used in the Olson article, I do not disagree with him. I, too, have had the agony of doing a criticism that I typed out, and rewrote, only to find that the new writer far from valuing my time, attention, and experience, hated me for it, because all they wanted was a pat on the head and a great job. If that’s all you want let your mom read it, she’ll probably give you exactly what you want. But if you want honesty, start sending out the story. Start collecting rejections slips and while that story is in the mail start on the next story. It helps the anxiety if you know your literary work is not an only child.

If you only have one novel in you, and it’s a great novel, good for you, (I love To Kill A Mockingbird) but I will be of little help to you because I am not that kind of writer. I’m a series writer and always have been. I don’t think I’ve ever had a stand alone book idea in my life.

It’s still hard for me to say, no, to people who ask me to read their stuff, but I still do it. I pay my agent good money to advise me, and she says, "say no", so I say no. And don’t tell me your ideas either, that’s just as big a no-no. Why? Because most of you want to tell me about an idea that is so close to my own world, or in fact, an idea I already am working on, that I can’t risk the whole "I talked to her and told her, and she stole it" crap. Guys, if I live to be 200 I have more ideas than I will ever be able to use, and more come to me every day. I am blessed as a writer, some struggle for ideas. I’ve never been one of them. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen, that some unscrupulous big time writer has never stolen from a nebie. But if you believe that’s a possibility then don’t tell the other writer your idea. Just as a precaution, don’t tell it.

I also stopped letting people tell me ideas when I realized that some of the newbies were ripping off my world, my plot and my voice and trying to preach it back to me as something new with very little changed. A friend of mine who is a publisher had a newbie pitch him a book. It involved a vampire hunter who was in a love triangle with a vampire and a werewolf. The publisher said, "That’s Laurell K. Hamilton’s series."

"No, it’s not," the newbie said, "the vampire hunter is male and the werewolf and vampire are female. It’s completely different."

He, apparently, hadn’t even bothered to change the plot just the sex of the main characters.

Now imagine me getting that pitched to my face. What the hell would I say? Nothing kind comes to mind, so in the interest of peace and goodwill to all, don’t pitch me your ideas.

So if there are writers out there that have the time, the patience, and an agent that doesn’t think its a terrible idea, then let them read your stuff. Pitch them your ideas. Knock yourselves out. But I can’t be that writer. Good luck out there, and before everyone calls Olson a bastard, remember these two true stories about newbies wanting professionals to look at their scripts.

One woman was in stirrups at her gynecologist when the doctor handed her his script that he’d been working on for years. I wouldn’t even know what to say to an approach like that. I know I’d be finding a new gynecologist. I know I wouldn’t be feeling very friendly towards the script, or the writer in that moment.

The script writer in the bathroom stall, actually trying to go to the bathroom only to have a script shoved under the door at them. Yep, true, honest.

Sometimes you are born a bastard, but sometimes you get forced to act like one to protect your time, and privacy. I try to be nice, always, but as my grandmother used to say, "Some people won’t take nice treatmeant."

I’ve actually built on that saying, and added a touch of my own. "Some people won’t take nice treatment, but if they won’t let you be nice, there are alternatives."

So everyone play nice, but remember nice cuts both ways. You can’t expect the professional writer to be nice, if you aren’t being nice to begin with.