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Saturday morning and I’m the only one up. No other cars waiting to drop friends and staff off at the door. I’ll work today, some, but it’s not a work day. I really enjoyed meeting everyone at Dragon Con, but as I sit here and let the silence soak into my skin, my mind, it’s good. I am just recently learning how to enjoy crowds and people and social stuff on a more public scale, but I have always needed time alone. I think most writers do. My imagination, my muse, needs this quiet time. I need to sit here with the only sound the soft clap of the keys under my fingers, and the insects singing outside my window. This really is a NEED, not just a want. There are days when there are so many phone calls, e-mails, demands on my time, decisions to be made, that it’s like being at some sort of corporate office, except with a better view and more windows. Okay, it’s not that bad. I’ve worked in corporate America and as a friend recently commented, it is soul-sucking. Some of it’s good, but for us creative types it can be pretty soul-sucky. Sitting here, like this, feeds back some of what the businessiness licks away.

This morning as I was getting dressed, I was trying to quietly go through the jewelry chest (it clinks) and get a totem necklace. I work with a lot of totem, read animal, energy in my religious path. Think of them as furry Guardian Angels, or guides. So, I was looking through the animal necklaces, and my thought was, "What will help me play? What plays?" The answer came suddenly clear and crystal in my head, "Everything plays." I had to stop, and let that thought roll around in my mind. Everything plays. Every animal, bird, mammal, whatever, that I was looking at wearing today, plays. (Okay, you can make a case for the reptiles and amphibians not playing. I’ve owned snakes and I couldn’t swear that they ever played.) I was wanting to choose the totem that would help me play today, have fun today, and the answer was, that all of them played, but me.

The total and absolute seriousness with which I approach life has gotten me where I am. I turned down trips to the beach at age 17, because I owed myself pages on a story. I was already sending stories out and collecting my first rejection slips. That kind of Puritanical work ethic has gotten me where I am in my career. I don’t regret it. But lately, I find myself glancing out the window at some beautiful summer day, and wondering how to work in more trips to the beach. I know I’ve been complaining on the blog that I can’t figure out what feeds my muse anymore. She and I, just feel drained so quickly. I went away on a family vacation to the Florida Keys, and came back refreshed and eager to work. But it didn’t last, the refreshed got used up. Then, strangely, Dragon Con came along, and what I had been dreading as just work, turned into socializing and fun. Okay, it was work, and I really, really have to hit the weights more for my arm to hold up for all the signings, but D*C was fun. My muse was a very happy, well-fed little muse, when we got back, even though we were physically tired. But again, all that bright and shiny got used up.

I’ve been learning to socialize more in e-mail and that is helping, but it’s still technology, and I’m still a wee phobic of it all. There’s a reason I still call it evil-mail, at times. I guess, for me, I need face to face socializing. I know some people really thrive on on-line friendships, and it’s good when you can’t see each other, or are across country from, and it’s absolutely essential for business, but for feeding that part of me that is muse-driven, technology isn’t enough. This weekend is Pirate Festival at our local Ren Faire place. Jon and I would have gone, and that would have been fun, and social, but Jon’s knee is still pretty hurt. He had an MRI this week, and we’re waiting to hear back. There is no way his leg can take walking around the Ren Faire. I’d actually planned a romantic trip this month for my sweetie and me, but again, it was a destination that took a lot of standing and walking. He’s just not up to it. So, friends are going to play pirate without us. *pout*

I tried to tell myself that most people in America only get one vacation a year, so why isn’t one enough for me, but I finally realized that most other human beings allow themselves more play time on a day to day, week to week, basis. For me, if I’m home, I’m in work mode. It is what allows me the amazing creative output of pages, but it also uses up the vacation energy very quickly. So, what to do? Answer, find a way to feed my muse and me on a more regular basis, and stop beating myself up that I need it. I finally realized that I really do NEED the social time. I read an article once years ago, I no longer remember who wrote it, but they were a selling writer. They said, that whatever feeds your creativity to honor it. Not to think it’s silly, or excentric, but to simply find out what it is and do it. But having said that . . .

There’s a concert coming up, very soon. Jon and I had planned to go, but now that it is upon us, I’m feeling nervous about it. Why? One, it’s a crowd, and I’m iffy on those. Two, if we go it will be only my fourth concert ever. No, really. Growing up, there simply wasn’t money for things like that. Also, my grandmother did not encourage me to listen to music much. I always feel a little out of place at a concert, at first. Then I warm up, and I have a wonderful time, but there is always that initial, why am I here moment? I realized that I’m trying to talk myself out of the concert. I mean it’s a school night, and we have to get a babysitter. Okay, Jon’s mom has already said, yes. But still, how grown-up is it to go on a school night? I mean we have to get up early the next morning and hit the ground running, and . . . I am trying to talk myself out of going. Why?

Not sure. Nerves about the crowd. Okay. But mostly, I think I’m just not comfortable playing. I’m working on it; getting better at it; but . . . We’ll see how Jon’s knee does about the concert. It won’t work unless he can sit down. I want to go to the concert, but I’m afraid to go. Once upon a time, I was painfully shy. I know, I know, anyone who has seen me in a public event will doubt that, but trust me, I damn near passed out if I had to speak in public, and was terrified of talking to almost anyone. But at the age of fourteen to fifeteen, I realized I could spend the rest of my life frightened and not speaking up for myself, or I could choose to change. I joined speech team and Drama club. I figured I’d either get over the shyness, or I’d die from embarrassment, either way, it would cure it. I didn’t die of embarrassment, and I began to get more comfortable with public speaking, and simply being around people. But there are moments, when that frightened little girl is still very much alive inside me, and she looks with wide eyes at it all. When the stress gets high, I want to hide again. But if I can force myself not to hide, it’s better. Above almost all else, I hate being afraid, no, I hate being a coward. So, I push myself. I force myself to take that step, make that decision, even if it’s scary, as long as the risk is worth it. I’ve done that all my life. What I hadn’t realized was that in doing all that, I’d forgotten how to enjoy it. So busy, being serious about personal growth and success, that I’d forgotten that sometimes you need to play. I can’t go out and be a pirate today, but maybe, if Jon’s knee can take it, there will be a concert in the near future.

I’m going to sit here and enjoy a second cup of tea in the silence; listen to the birds calling just outside my window. It’s a cardinal making that cheep, cheep nose that is half nerves and half where are you? But I promise myself to figure out how to play more, and do things that both feed my soul and my muse.