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I’m feeling a little less than inspired today. I had my MRI yesterday. Not the most fun I’ve ever had, but not the least either. They gave me head phones and a choice of music to listen to, in an attempt to drown out the rather horrible noise of the machine. But somewhere in the middle of the CD, it stuck. It stuck in the middle of a drum solo. So, I was trapped, unable to move without risking ruining the image, with the noise in my ears now more irritating than the machine itself. Eventually, the technician realized what was wrong and fixed it, or maybe it was my careful, but plaintive bids for attention. Anyway, I don’t have to do that today. That’s a big plus.

I’m sitting at my main desk with several things to help inspire me scattered around where I can see them. A quote from Eleanor Roosevelt, "Do one thing every day that scares you." I’m wearing one of my favorite dog t-shirts. It has a Newfoundland on it. I find on days when I feel like I’m drowning, that it’s a good shirt to drag me back from the ocean, and get me safely ashore. I’m also wearing a button that I probably won’t wear out of the house, it reads, "My sexual preference is often." It made me laugh out loud when I found it in the card store. And I need both serious reminders like the Roosevelt quote, and laughter to get me going today. I also have a card Jonathon bought me; it’s one of those musical cards, and I’ve got it propped right next to the keyboard. What does the card play? "Wild Thing" ; the original sound bite by The Troggs. (Jonathon is off playing Indiana Jones Lego with Trinity. Besides, I think today I need the office to myself, or to free him up from hand-holding.) I also have the new cover mock-up of the cover for SWALLOWING DARKNESS. I don’t know if Darla has put it up, yet, but it’s way cool. I’ve put it by the computer to remind, and inspire me.

Just a few days ago looking at the cover made me feel pressured. I wasn’t quite finished and here’s the cover; ahhh! But my new attitude is to enjoy, rather than stress. Stress has become my natural state, but it wasn’t always like that. I want to enjoy my career again, not just treat it like a new stone in my back pack. Friday, we went to our favorite metaphysical store, and I was so despairing about finishing this one scene that I got candles to help me renew my passion in my job. (Most people use "passion" candles for relationships issues, but that’s working just fine. A flesh and blood husband is much easier to be inspired by than imaginary friends on paper.) But the thought was right. I need to renew my passion for my craft. I need to rediscover those small pleasures you take. In an effort to do this, one of the things I did when I was editing Merry was to mark sentences or paragraphs that I thought were really nice, and make a list of them. It was a way to remind myself that I’m pretty darn good at my job, and I really do enjoy it. Sometime closer to the book release I’ll do a blog with the bits and pieces. Though I had to be careful that they aren’t bits and pieces that will give anything away. SWALLOWING DARKNESS is a very plot thick book. I’ve been so busy writing and editing, that I’ve forgotten why I wanted to do this in the first place. Love.

I love to write. I love my characters, my worlds. I love discovering new things about old imaginary friends. I love building a world that never existed, and having my literary creations go from just words on paper to actually being real enough that I miss them if I haven’t been writing them in a few months; the way you miss a friend you haven’t gotten to talk to. I’ve allowed deadlines and the pressure of success (and anyone that doesn’t think that is pressure, wait until you get there), to steal away the pleasure that I once took in my work. Well, no more. I am going to try and recapture the joy I once felt. It’s still in me, when I stop panicking. When I finish the edits on this book, I’ve promised myself a few days off before I head back into the next Anita book. I don’t know what I’ll do with time off, and the problem is that it’s not really time off, anymore. I can stop work on a book, but there is always the comic book, interviews, questions from editors, my agent, just all the people that are coming into my circle of business. I love all the possibilities that are coming my way, but I need to be able to embrace them with joy, not stress.

I’ll leave you with a quote, "The maker of a sentence launches into the infinite and builds a road into chaos and old night, and is followed by those who hear him with something of wild, creative delight." — Ralph Waldo Emerson

Gosh, that sounds almost intimidating for me and a blank screen, so let’s do one more quote. "Don’t say the old lady screamed – bring her on and let her scream." — Mark Twain.

That’s better; I can do that. I’ll try for the infinite road into chaos and old night, but in the end, no matter how pretty the prose, if the reader can’t hear the screams, smell the grass, and feel the blade edge so clearly, that they fear they may get cut, too, then it’s all for nothing. Be pretty, hell, be beautiful in your writing, but remember, always, that if the reader can’t feel it, taste it, touch it, smell it; then it’s just pretty words, when what you want is the world to be so real it breaths around the reader. You want them to startle when the lady screams, as if she were standing right behind them.

Okay, I’m back to being intimidated, but it’s still the truth. I’ll go try and make my lady scream.