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Memorial Day
Happy Memorial Day, everyone, but this message is especially for those who have served in our armed forces. Thank for your service whether it is in the past, or the present. If you are all having a great day of barbecuing, or sports, family reunions, whatever makes you happy then take my thanks and go back to your day.
The rest of this blog is those of us who aren’t having that great day. You can walk off the battlefield bleeding, but fixable. The wound heals, maybe you have a scar, maybe not even that, but you survive. You survived, and part of you is happy to have survived. Embrace that part of you that enjoys life, celebrate it! But it’s okay that theres that other part that feels, why did I survive? Why did I crawl out of the mess and stink and the chaos? Why did I make it and my friend, my brother, my sister . . . Why didn’t they make it out? Why couldn’t I save them, too? Why didn’t the person who saved me, save them? Why me? Why not them?
If I had an answer I would give it to you, but I don’t know. I know that sometimes you leave people behind, because you can either drowned with them, or live without them. Is that the worst guilt? Maybe? Or is when everyone lives, but they come back in pieces broken beyond the ability to have a normal life, let alone a happy one. And you feel guilty about that too, how dare you have family and happiness when your friend, your brother, your sister, is a ghost of what they could have been. Why are they the walking wounded and you aren’t?
But here’s the real secret, just because we walked away, bandaged, healed, old scars, doesn’t mean we aren’t still wounded, too. We walked out of the chaos, we survived, but every day is a choice to keep surviving. We survived, the wounds healed, but the haunting of it calls us back again and again, and we know that we choose every day to keep surviving. Sometimes just continuing through the memories the sounds, the sensations that wake you from a sound sleep into a cold sweat. That you have a heartbeat to remember that this person beside you loves you and would never hurt you, and isn’t the nightmare that tried to kill, so you double check that they are your spouse, that your kids are asleep down the hall, and your dogs, your house, you life is intact, and sometimes you can go back to sleep, but sometimes that flash of remembering haunts too hard and you sit up waiting for the dawn, because you don’t trust what awaits you when you close your eyes.
What do you do? I’m contacting my therapist again, because I will survive. I will keep surviving, and I will try to explain the survivor’s guilt, the choices not taken, and that feeling of throat closing terror that the smallest sound, the lightest touch, a smell, a moment of seeing something out of place and you’re right back there in the bad place. We don’t remember, we are haunted, as my best friend said today. He’s a non-practicing Marine, and ex-cop. I’ve never worn a uniform this lifetime, my bad stuff was all as a civilian, but we’ve discovered that it’s given me a unique perspective into the after effects of certain things. PTSD isn’t just for uniforms, and neither is survivors guilt.
If you read this blog and think I have been impertinent, my apologies, but if one person reads this and understands that it’s not just them, that you aren’t alone, then that’s what’s important. We survived, and it’s okay that we did, don’t let the guilt, or the confusion take away the victory of just surviving. Now, our next battle is to thrive, to succeed, to let ourselves be happy. There are moments when being happy seems harder than any of the rest, doesn’t it? But if we survived all the rest, we can conquer the hardest thing of all, ourselves, the ghosts, and enjoy that we lived.
17 thoughts on “Memorial Day”
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THank you for the reminder.
Thank you.
Thank you for your kind words. I hope that they do indeed help someone who needs them.
Thank you for your post…I understand it from both the civilian and military aspect…My husband goes through it on a military aspect…I am greatful to have him home…safe and sound…I will not apologize for that…the fact that he is forever changed…I won’t apologize for that either…yeah sometimes we cry for what we lost…but we wouldn’t be who we are without i…I am greatful to have him…and now I get him to myself for a majority of the time…I wish I could make his physical pain better but otherwise…I am just here for whatever he needs..he’s earned it and I’m greatful to have him even with the changes…and you are right you were brutally honest…and I LOVE BRUTALLY HONEST…no one could have put it better than you did…Thank you for loving our men and women and understanding those that have made it through and have come back…HUGS…Don’t ever give in to the ugliness that lies beneath the surface…you aren’t alone
U sound like an amazing woman and I was blessed to read ur post! I took something else from her message that had to do with PTSD but not military! God bless all the men n women before and after any time spent in the services!!
This is one of the reasons that I love what I see of you. Thank you
I survived a childhood in a religious cult. My father, Vietnam, and my husband just came back last month from his eleventeenth deployment. Thank you for this- it came at the best possible moment and meant so much more than you will ever know. So much better that these words of wisdom come from my all time favorite author!
thank you for sharing your inner most thoughts. thank you for putting words on paper that must have been hard to write
As the wife of a 30 year veteran of the FLHP wounded on duty and the mother of 3 sons who all served in iraq and other sand pits, I appreciate the understanding you have for all the ones who serve. They are forever changed and have all had the question of why did I live? My oldest son is 2 years sober after fighting his demons with a bottle. It was a long slow process for all of us but I.m so proud of him. He counsels others now who have a similar sffliction. My baby son is in a hospital in washington due to come home in a few weeks. He’s being fitted with a prosthetic leg and getting therapy. They all went because it was their duty to them there was no choice. I’m so very proud of them and if they need help or time to heal we are there for them always. Thankyou for understanding.
Thank you! I survived rape by someone that I loved and I realized today, after ur piece, that I was slowly shutting down everything important in my life and was thinking of dying…giving up! U helped me, for this critical moment, that I can’t do that. That I have to fight again to prove that he didn’t destroy me body n soul. I’m going to work on it n maybe, talking to someone is truly the way to go! I’ve tried before and it’s never helped because the don’t give me answers or help. I will try again! Thank you so much!
I love you, Laurell. Thank you.
“There are moments when being happy seems harder than any of the rest, doesn’t it? ” So true! Sometimes allowing ourselves to let go of our fears, our guilt, and our pain is the hardest thing of all. It is ours and ours alone and often what reminds us we survived.And it is not enough to let go once, we have to let go over and over again until it doesn’t return.Don’t give up the fight…If you persist, you will win.
Thanks, Laurell! Bravo Zulu for putting a voice to something kept secret for far too long. George Carlin made a point in one of his last albums. He talked about euphemistic language. He stated “I bet you that if PTSD were still called ‘Shell Shock’ these peoe would be getting the help they deserve and need”. It took 20 years, but I am healing. Thanks again!
My uncle is a veteran of the Vietnam Era (in Europe for most of it) and I am glad he is still here.
Please use this sentiment to bring Merry’s soldier’s home.
It amazes me when i come across people people who think non soldiers don’t get ptsd, and that women in particular don’t get ptsd. Some of my favorite veterans are women, who most assuredly know ptsd personally, and I know entirely too many women and children (myself included) who suffer ptsd for various reasons other than official wars. I don’t have survivors guilt, but then only I was there to survive in my case. But night sweats, GAD (would be paranoia, but I try very hard to keep it down to GAD) etc. You are not alone.
I have to say that some of the worlds great books come right out of PTSD. Lord of the Rings for example. Tolkien was just 17 years old when he was dumped into the worst battle ground of World War One. I laugh at people who think there are too many battle scenes in his books, the books are all about the battles, and over coming them, if you don’t get that you are missing the point of his writing. Might just be one of the reasons I like your books, helps me pin down issues now and then. if LOTR doesn’t do it for you, then you might try Laurie King, her Mary Russell has serious survivors guilt and might help you with your particular focus.
I will then look forward to your next spate of writing! maybe a short story non related to your usual to throw everyone off balance! something for you to enjoy and your fans to think about. (also gets that FU urge out of your system, one hopes!) Hugs, candles and may harmony find you.
I am a vet, Army ’67-’70 and I really enjoyed your post. It very eloquently described the guilt many vets have. I am sorry for what ever it was in your life that made you experiance it. But I am glad you are here now.
Thank you so much for this post. I feel that I was ment to see it on a day when I needed it the most, instead of a week ago on the day you posted it. I have had one of the worst weeks with my PTSD and accepting that it’s ok to be happy. It sounds like it would be something so simple to just be happy, but for someone who is haunted daily by the memories of the past, its like living in them every day, being happy is the hardest battle we fight. You described the challenges we can face so eloquently. The encouragement you provided was perfect for me today. It was what I needed to get up and keep surviving for another day. Thank you so much.