New Blog – Happily Ever After is the Beginning
Twenty, our daughter Trinity is twenty today. There’s something about this birthday that seems momentous to both her and me. She’s no longer a teenager. Yes, she’s been a legal adult for two years, but somehow neither she, nor I, thought childhood had been completely left behind, but twenty is the end of the teens and the beginning of a decade that is absolutely, positively an adult number. But that’s not all of it, Trinity also attended her cousin, Kay’s, wedding earlier this month. Kay is already a mother of a baby girl of her own, and only a few weeks older than Trinity. I remember when I and both of my sisters-in-law were pregnant at the same time. All the girls were born within weeks of each other. Now one is a mother and married, another has decided on her career and is off pursuing that, and Trinity is in college; Trinity also caught the bouquet at Kay’s wedding.
People told Trinity that she would be next, and she loved that so romantic idea. She’s always been of a more romantic turn of mind than me. I double checked that she wasn’t dating anyone seriously, so a wedding was unlikely anytime soon. I remained calm, though what I wanted to say, was over my dead body would she be getting married anytime soon. Then, my daughter, who I thought of as fairly logical, proactive, and level-headed in most situations, just beginning to explore all the possibilities of her life, talked about her wedding day. She’s talked about her wedding day after every wedding she’s seen since she was about six. I guess it’s normal for most little girls, but when she was six I didn’t worry about it. Now she’s twenty and suddenly it’s not cute anymore, its a little frightening to me. I’m the mom, I’m supposed to worry.
I had grown up never planning to marry, so I had never dreamed of my wedding day. I was too busy writing my stories and collecting my first rejection slips, because I was going to be a writer. I didn’t have time to plan weddings, or moon over boys. Trinity had never done much mooning either, so I never worried about her falling into the trap that marriage and romance are the biggest things in a woman’s life. I’d shown her that men and weddings were not the be all, end all, for her life. She understands that, but suddenly the whole wedding thing seemed a little too real for me, and for the first time I thought of how differently she had seen marriage than I did growing up.
I had fallen in love for the first time in college and married at twenty-one to her father. It had certainly surprised the hell out of me. I’d planned on being a happy writer without any of those complications from “relationships.” They just distracted an artist from their goals. I actually didn’t let marriage distract me from my goals and was a successful novelist by the time we divorced sixteen years later. I vowed never to marry again, and then promptly fell in love with Jonathon. We are now blissfully happy at thirteen years and counting. Was it the fact that I had married twice and was actually happy that had made Trinity feel more positive towards marriage and romance? Trinity had been one of the flower girls at our wedding, so this more romantic attitude might be my fault. Was it letting the flower girls ride in the horse-drawn carriage with us? Don’t blame fairytales, because I was raised on those, too, and the romantic bug didn’t get me. But then, I had only my mother’s unhappiness in the brief marriage to my father, and was raised on tales of my grandfather beating my grandmother, who she had divorced after twenty years. Marriage didn’t seem that great to me, and men seemed like extras I didn’t need in my life. My grandmother and I got along fine without one. I did the heavy lifting around the house, what the heck were men needed for? Then I fell in love, and married, twice, and Trinity grew up seeing that the right man with the right woman could be pretty awesome, so in a way it was totally my fault. My happiness had actually fed into the social message that romance and marriage are important; damn it.
I took a few days to think about why I’d had such an issue with her innocent, and perfectly normal, remarks about weddings. I finally realized what I wanted to say not just to Trinity, but to all the young women everywhere.
I hope my daughter’s wedding day isn’t the biggest and most important day of her life. I hope that she has so many days that make that one day, pale in comparison. I hope she finds someone so wonderful that their days together will be full of such happiness that the wedding is what it’s supposed to be, the beginning of an amazing adventure and a real life love story that will rise in action from that day forward. I hope for her a person at her side that brings joy to her life, everyday. I know they will fight, I know she’s not perfect, nor will her spouse be perfect. The trick is to get enough good stuff from the relationship to offset the irritating stuff, because that’s all it should be, just irritating stuff. If it’s truly bad stuff; addiction, abuse, I trust my beautiful, strong daughter to understand that you can’t love them enough to change certain things and not to ever marry someone who is cruel when they say they love you. True love is not cruel, or controlling in a way that hurts you.
When you fight, and you will fight, remember that list of things you know would hurt them the most, don’t say them. Don’t say the unforgivable list, because once uttered it can’t be taken back, and though you say, I forgive you, you never forget and it damages your pair bond.
I hope my daughter understands that it is the every day joys that make life worth living, not the big moments. The big stuff fades and cannot last, but the joy of waking up beside someone you love and renewing that love every day in a dozen small gestures that say, better than any fancy dress, or church full of flowers, I love you.
I hope she understands what that means, love, to her may not be the same as her spouse, and that part of the challenge is to find out what their language of love is both individually and together. To some men, playing their favorite video game with them means you love them enough to try. To others dressing in their favorite outfit is love. To some women helping with housework means love, and to others sexy naked time is love. For Trinity, I hope she finds another video game and anime Geek and that she never falls in love with someone that rolls their eyes and belittles what she finds such fierce joy in, and the same for her future spouse. Let them honor what each finds joy in, and understand that it doesn’t always have to make sense to you, you just have to understand that the love of your life adores fall mornings, or bird watching, or sleeping in late, hitting the gym, scuba diving, or watching cheesy horror movies. Whatever fills their face with light and joy, honor that, and honor the things that fill your own heart with the same light. Do not give up your hobbies, the pieces of yourself that bring you happiness, because your spouse fell in love with the girl, or boy, that thought Pokemon was cool; don’t lose that. Don’t let the idea of love and being a grownup steal yourself away. Love, true love, honors who you really are and never makes fun of it. Honor each other, care for each other, be kind to each other, have fun together, and above all know that there will be moments when you fall out of love, or are so irritated by that small thing they always do that you just want to scream. Remember in those moments how much you love that thing they do that always makes you smile. Remember how they held you when you were sad, or how they cry at Christmas commercials, or how hard they work at their dreams, and how they help you work at yours.
I hope that my daughter’s wedding, when it comes, if it comes, because if she never marries that’s okay with me, as long as she’s happy, but if she chooses to marry, I hope she looks back and thinks it was a beautiful beginning to an even more beautiful life in partnership with someone she loves, and who loves her as much as I do. It’s not about a certain ceremony, or a certain goal, or milestone, those will come and go, it’s about the day in, day out, are you there for me – do you have each other’s backs? That’s what it’s about, I hope my daughter and all the young women out there understand that is more important than a thousand designer dresses, or the perfect flowers, or how many bridesmaids you have – your wedding day will pass, but if you all work at it, and are lucky, then it just gets better from there.
39 thoughts on “New Blog – Happily Ever After is the Beginning”
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Wow…that was so insightful and inspiring. You really rock, Laurell! This is why I admire you so much. You see the bigger picture in everything and you have a way of inspiring me in every word you say.
I’m not in a relationship, but I have sisters who I adore and I sometimes belittle the things they love in life, like video-games etc…I never saw it as anything but teasing, but now I’m thinking that that isn’t the case. I should accept everything that brings happiness in life, no matter what.
Thank you for your inspiring words, Laurell. As always, you helped me in many ways and I love reading everything you write. God bless/Blessed be
That was a very beautiful way of expressing what alot of people think. I found that it was important to find someone you can laugh with and not be serious 100% of the time. She has a wonderful example of what true love is with the way you were able to take a chance the second time around. And last but not least Happy Birthday to your very lucky daughter.
I understand your feelings. I to felt this way – but swing my oldest son in his happy marriage gives me hope. I remember holding my daughter’s hand through the painful ending of her marriage to her husband who had become abusive. I now worry about her new relationship – even though he loves both my daughter and granddaughter immensely. I cannot express how much I regret that my younger son was hit and killed by a drunk driver before he could marry the love of his life; nor can I express the joy I feel that she found a new love and is happily married. It is life, and we must live it, whether the times are of joy or sorrow, fear or pain, or love or loss.
I love this, some of this is a reminder that I needed today. My husband is a great man and father. I am happy to be married to him. Our wedding wasn’t huge, or perfect, and there are things I would change about it if I could, but really I love it the way it was too. Imperfect. That imperfection has helped keep me grounded in my marriage because I don’t have to hold my marriage to the same standard as our wedding. There is also an old superstition that for everything that goes “wrong” on your wedding day adds another year to the marriage. Really everything that goes “wrong” just strengthens the marriage because it makes you realize that much earlier that the wedding isnt important the relationship is.
Thank you. I have been married for a year and a half. The paragraph about falling in love with the girl who thought Pokemon was cool really helped. As always your words inspire. I have a bit of apologizing to do…to myself and my husband.
Shared this with my 22 year old daughter….as always, you found the words to say what the rest of struggle to! Thanks.
Wow.. 20 already? It feels like just yesterday she was in her early teens. 13 is the number stuck in my mind. Every time you’ve mentioned her, it’s been like a gem in your world, but I guess the mentions haven’t been that frequent, so she’s grown up slowly. And have I been reading your blog that long..?
I didn’t go to college to find a husband. I actually wanted to date and experience life, something I didn’t have in high school. Well – things don’t work out the way you plan, sometimes. I met a guy, 6 years later, we got married. 23 years after meeting him, we’re still happily together. Totally unplanned – but it’s worked out. We’ve grown together. We’ve changed together. We’ve fought,and not fought.
Sometimes you get want you need (?) when you aren’t looking for it.
Thank you so much for this wonderful insight. I grew up with my married parents, who divorced once the kids were grown. They weren’t “happy in love” but I didn’t know that. Through my twenties I lived my life purposefully avoiding romantic notions of marriage. I dated, I fell in and out of relationships but by the time I was 30 I was looking for the next phase of my life. I met and married a man I was incredibly comfortable with, different from every man I’d ever dated prior. I strongly felt we were perfect for each other. We lasted 12 years with 3 beautiful boys when I realized I’d emulated my parent’s relationship. It’s quite a common scenario, something I think everyone needs to be aware of when they move into marriage. I thought we were mature enough not to fall for that trap, but I was mature enough to leave the marriage when I realized we had. I couldn’t show my boys a negative relationship (not abusive just passion-less) and call it happy. After the divorce I wanted nothing to do with a permanent relationship, then met and fell in love with my boyfriend. We’ve been together almost 5 years and learned to love unconditionally without expectations. It’s been a wonderful journey. But that is what life is mostly about. I think marriage is as much a growth, transition and joy experience as is birth, college, careers. When a person looks at it from THAT perspective and not some pinnacle to strive for it’s closer to reality and hopefully will have less unrealized expectations attached to it. I think this generation gets it much better than our generation did.
I hope you don’t take this the wrong way but instead think about it. You are transposing your problems and distrust of wedding/marriage/romantics in general. It should be wonderful and a time of innocent joy that’s only matched by the love as it’s matured. Life is hard, marriage is hard and love has to mature along with marriages. I’m sorry that there are ones especially ones that shaded your early life of how it shouldn’t be but the reality is what you have found and that’s what you have taught your daughter. Do not take away from that.
Ive been with my husband for six years. We actually got engaged a year ago today. I never dreamed of my wedding as a child. I never saw a healthy marriage until I was in my teens. My wedding day was one of the most important days of my life, but it’s gotten so much better since then. I already felt married to my husband before we got married so it wasnt a big change for me, other than my last name. I’m so lucky to have my husband. He’s one of the best people I’ve ever met in my life and I got incredibly lucky that I have him in my life. Wonderful advice. The wedding is only a day being married is the rest of your life.
Wow. Your daughter is exactly one year younger than my son, who is 21 today.
It is so strange thinking of him as an adult, when he seems about 14 to me.
I was 21 when I had him, my second child.
So far, both my adult kids seem to not be in a hurry to get married or have kids. That is perfectly fine by me.
There are so many things I want to say in response, but really what it comes down to is you are definitely a strong female role model for Trinity. She is very lucky to have you as a mom. And I can’t believe she is 20 already!! Where has the time gone?
I celebrate my first anniversary tomorrow, and this made me think of the past year. Thank you for putting into words what my past year, and the 8 years of dating before that, have been.
I loved that…sending to my 16 year old daughter. Thank you.
Thank you.
That was beautiful. I too thought I never would marry. I had to much planned with my life but when I was 19 I met and married my best friend and just celebrated my ten year wedding anniversary. You are a wonderful inspiration to your daughter, you showed her that it is possible to find love not once but twice. Not only that but love isn’t just one person to one person but can grow and encompass more. Being a parent is positively the most rewarding but scariest journey of ones life. Thank you again for sharing your life journey, you show how possibilities are out there.
Thank you for that entry. I live in a small town in eastern Europe, and being not married for a girl is considered somewhat shameful. I’m 25 and my family members alredy think I’m a spinster. I have 2 diplomas, speak 3 languages, but all everybody asks about is “when will you get married?” I have a friend who is 25 and alredy divorced 3 times! So I tell everybody, I’m not in a hurry…I plan to to meet someone, to fall in love, and maybe marry eventually, but if it doesn’t happenanytime soon, I’l be still happy.
hope she , has a gorgeous day, and many more to come.. Blessed be ..
Jeez, it’s 7am and I’m sitting here choking up over your blog. This is so touching and brilliant. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.
Much love!!
Laurell, I myself find myself engaged for the third time… luckily, the third time is the charm! The first time I was engaged I was stuck in a controlling relationship that was very hard to get out of…. he refused to let me go, so he tried to hit me and when I wouldn’t let him get away with that he tried taking me to court and suing me. The second time, I realize now that I just wanted someone to love me, but he was cheating on me and punching walls. It was only a matter of time before the punches would have landed on me and after I was pregnant, I left. After that I decided that it would be just me and my daughter, that I just couldn’t trust some stranger with my sweet baby’s heart, body, and soul. After a few years, I decided I was ready to go back into the dating world and just have some fun. I dated a few guys and had my fun, never really feeling like anything serious would come out of it. That all changed in one night, when I found my best friend with not sparks but flame. We had the same interests in music, gaming, reading, and our personalities just blended perfectly. We met through common friends, though we had never actually met each other before. We like to joke about how we were at our best friends wedding and I wore his fedora hat before we even met. And the best part, the one thing I was most worried about is not a worry at all. He’s wonderful with my daughter. She isn’t his blood, but she looks to him as a father, and he looks to her as his own daughter. After four years of dating, and living together we are now happily engaged and looking forward to a fun filled day when we get married and just make our happy family official.
Laurell, there are some real gems of relationship advice in this. I never realized Trinity and I are so close in age, so all of this is so relevant in my life. What really stands out to me, is how you hope that Trinity’s wedding day pales in comparison to so many other days in her life, and that you hope it is the beginning of a better and better love affair. I think our culture has romanticized the wedding, so much so that it holds all this pressure. I think you are putting this all back into perspective. The wedding isn’t the peak – it’s the start. And love can be beautiful or it can be distorted and horrible. Love with another is not what completes us. So these are some of the misperceptions we’ve grown up with, and I’m glad to be seeing them in a different light before I go into a relationship.
I guess that my daughter had her wedding and got married because she saw my relationship with my husband. We have been together for 30 years and my daughter has been married 5 years now. I didn’t have a big wedding and was disappointed that she wanted one. I thought she was more interested in the wedding than the marriage, but she is happily married and in a successful relationship where many of her peers are not as successful. We really do have an impact on our children’s lives.
Beautifully said, Laurell! <3
Awesome advice! I wish my mother had given me advice like this. Instead she’s trying to throw me into a marriage. She keeps telling me everyone wants me to settle down. But all I want to do is write and travel the world. Sure, I did dream of a wedding once and maybe I will have one someday, but like you hope for your daughter I hope that it’s just the beginning of a wonderful adventure.
Laurell, can I just say how lucky Trinity is to have a Mom like you, probably reading this at her wedding? (If she does marry?)
My father is very similar to you. He found true love in his second marriage at 51, and it’s the love I wish I was around growing up, they’re like cute little high schoolers, forever in love. I also never really dreamed about my wedding until I started watching those dumb but addicting dress shows. But my parents had a potluck wedding, with all the guests there to help set up and break down, so some thought it “crass”. But I thought it was as magical as any other because of the love glowing around them and everywhere.
You’ve always been an inspiration to me, and continue to be an amazing mother to Trinity, as well as to your fans. Thank you. And let’s spread the word of real love!
Yes. This is what I want my girls to know. But much better said than I could ever say it.
Thank you for putting into words what I could not. These words are exactly what I have wanted my own daughter to hear. She wants so desperately to be part of a couple, to have her own little family, that she settles on the first man to show any interest, it breaks my heart. So far we have been lucky that she hasn’t been irreparably damaged, she has however in almost every relationship been abused, whether verbally, or emotionally. We have had to go get her in the middle of the night, we have had to get restraining orders, we could have filled an ocean with her tears. I linked this blog to her, and hope that she reads it with her eyes wide open. You are one of our favorite Authors, so maybe hearing from you what I have been trying to say will help her realize that she is alright on her own, and the prince Charming is a lie, and marriage does not equal happy ever after.
Love to you and yours, and as always Thank you for you being you.
I was raised in a very happy imperfect home. As a very young rebellious teen I left home and made a lot of bad choices.I married not one but two aabusive men and had their children. I left the second marriage and never looked back. I worked and supported mycchildren and never planned to marry ever again. Then I met a man whose kindness and generous spirit convinced me to commit one more time. He also had 3 imperfect children and we soon had one together. 6 children and a very happy imperfect home. That appreciation for our varied hopes and dreams and daily shows of affection andtolerance of our ddifferent views has kept us together for 33 years. Marriage isn’t easy it takes work. But it’s definitely worth the effort when the love and respect and laughter are there
I was another “I will NEVER get married” woman. I was horribly abused growing up and did not trust men. Period. I never believed I would ever trust a man enough to tie my life to him. Then, when I was 37, I met a man who slid through my shields like he was melted butter. We had a hand-fasting first, then a legal wedding. And yes, the wedding was wonderful, magickal, and incredible. But the best day of my life? Not even close. My husband and I have been together for 11 years now, and I love him more today than the day I married him. We were friends first.
Then he ended up in the hospital, had 4 open heart surgeries in 3 months, was put in a medically induced coma during that time, and put on life support. The doctors repeatedly tried to bully his father into taking him off of life support. Thank the Gods, his father refused. After he left the hospital and began to recover we started dating. It was obvious from the start he would never be able to work again. He was an RN. The prolonged coma had left him with cognitive dysfunctions. We started our marriage with the battle to get his permanent disability. We also moved in with his father, who was in the beginning stages of Alzheimer’s Disease. So I started my marriage as a caregiver of two severely disabled men. I was also starting a brand new job in my own career, having moved across the state.
To make a very long story as short as possible, after two years at this new position, it became evident that my own health had deteriorated to the point that I myself was no longer able to work. I was diagnosed with arthritis very early in life. Now I got the devastating news that in addition to the arthritis – which had become very bad – I also had fibromyalgia, degenerative disc disease and degenerative joint disease. So we lost my income and began an almost 4 year battle to get my own permanent disability instated.
Did we fight? Oh, you bet we fought! We had some doozies! But we love each other, and we had committed to make this marriage work from the beginning. So today, we are each other’s caregiver. We back each other up. We do what we can; let go what neither of can do. We help each other do chores. When one of us is in more pain than usual – making us cranky and snappy – we tell the other one, so that we get alone time, to not take it out on the other.
And one of our great joys is a new Laurell K Hamilton book. Being on disability, our income is severely limited. But looking at the silver lining, when so many in the country were out of work at least we knew we would get our disability checks. We don’t buy any new books anymore. But we are rabid readers, so we load up every week at our local library. I have numerous authors on my “preferred author” list and check them constantly for new releases. The moment I find a new release by any of them, I immediately place a “Hold” on that book. I have gotten weird looks from people, standing at the pickup shelves of the “Hold” books, with a new Laurell K Hamilton book in my greedy little fingers and chortling with glee. I just look at them and tell them, if you don’t read her, you wouldn’t understand!
Beautifully said! You have one lucky kid there! Thank you for sharing.
Thank you. I’m forward to sharing this with the girls in my life.
I wish that I could have had your example and that advice growing up. Your daughter is one lucky girl. Hope she has a great birthday.
I must have been a weird kid. I always thought getting married was something I would do someday, but I never thought much about the wedding. I never liked dressing up, etc. I was a tomboy. What I looked forward to was the being married part.
I met what I thought was the love of my life when I was in college. We married, had 4 kids, and somehow, through all the stuff we went through, him getting his PhD, the kids, and moving halfway across the country, twice, we grew apart and finally just couldn’t stand the sight of each other. We lasted 23 years, though.
Sometimes I think it would be great to marry again, but I don’t know if I could trust someone that much again, after all that. I felt really betrayed. And now that I’ve been divorced for about 15 years, I don’t know if I could stand living with someone again. I’ve gotten used to my independence.
Just have to wait and see what happens.
Thank you for your wonderful description of a strong and solid young person, who’s vibrant and brings you such joy. This is the first time I’ve ever looked at marriage and wedding in this manner and honestly shed a few tears. Yes yes yes the wedding should just be the start of developing an even stronger bond of love. Try always to be fair in times of bad as words can be forgiven but truly not forgotten. Bless Trinity for a wonderful decade of self discovery and much joy and laughter. Thank you for also acknowledging that some women, through no fault can live fulfilled lives independently. Sometimes being single is the warrior in you to be loving to yourself. I love your writing and insight and wish you many blessings and a few years before you’re shopping for the mother of the bride dress!
Should be required reading prior to dating, let alone marriage. Ahhh-too bad by the time we figure this stuff out we have usually make some mistakes already!
Thanks for sharing your heart and soul the way you do!
Trinity is a lucky gal to have you as her mom!
I wish I had read this before I got married. …Or at any point during the following 6 years.
Hi. I have read alot of your books. They have entertained me and helped me through tough times. I am a middle aged man going through a rough time in my marriage. Your hopes for your daughters marriage have helped me see what I may have forgotten. Thank you.
Hello.
I’ve never had the urge to write to you before now. It was just happenstance that I am here today. My mother bought me your latest Merry Gentry book, a series I will admit I haven’t read since high school a number of years ago.
In high school, my group of friends found your Anita Blake series and we read them all, cover to cover, (at that time only 11 existed with very different covers than can be found now) agonizing over whom our favourite characters were and pining for the next book to come out. Anita was always my favourite Character. Now I am grown, with a little family of my own and over a decade has past since we first read your series and still I find myself in love with it. I reread the series every few years and it means something different to me each time.
Why am I blathering on about this? Well, this blog post that I just happened to stumble upon today when I happened to decide to visit your website, the blog pulled a lot of things together for me.
In January I am getting married to the love of my life. The person whom, in all his imperfections and mine, I call home. And weddings are a big deal in my family. There has never been a divorce on either side (one could express their displeasure in the unhappiness because of this fact, but we’ll save that for a different time) of my family, so each wedding in my generation has been a giant event with 600+ Ukrainians in a church, whispering about dresses and flowers, piles of bridesmaid dressed in frilly, expensive, never to be worn again dresses and a bride that has spent a small fortune on a dress she will also never wear again.
Take that all into consideration when I tell you I am also the only female to be born this generation on either side of the family. And I chose to have a 10 person wedding and a cruise ship with a $500 dress, a single bridesmaid and not a cross in sight.
When I made the decision and got the courage to send the email to my mother and her sisters, who were knee deep in planning my wedding only a week into my engagement 2 years ago, I’m pretty sure the unified gasp could be heard around the world.
The first thing all of them called to ask was ‘where would you get the idea that you don’t want a real wedding??’ it has been 2 years and until this morning I had no answers.
Reading this post I do. Your words have come out of my mouth many times. I have corrected many a wedding store customer service Rep when they tell me it will be the happiest day of my life, letting them know that if it was theirs, that’s too bad, but my happiest days will be ones that come unexpected and because of the people in my life not the party I throw.
My mother has agonized over where I could have ‘picked this up’ and so I have thought about it. But here and now I know.
Your Anita Blake series grew with me, or I with it. I read it differently each time because I have grown a little each time. I’ve felt a deep attachment to the character ever since closing the final page of Guilty Pleasures.
Anita Blake is the reason I realize that vows don’t make a marriage. A big party doesn’t make a marriage. Love doesn’t even make a marriage. You do. Your ability to overcome your own insecurities and faults, your ability to trust someone to do the same, and your ability to do what’s right for you two, even when it feels like the whole world is condemning you for it, is the reason I understand marriage over weddings and real love over romance.
I have never felt the need to write to you before but today I wanted to write you a heartfelt thank you and let you know, as I’m sure many others have, that for 15 years and counting your words have had a deeper, more positive affect on me than I ever realized. They pulled me out of dark places, picked me up when I found no other reason to get up and have taught me that different is only different, not bad or good.
Thank you for making a difference in my life. I know there is no way a daughter of a woman like you could mistake the value of love for the value of a party.
Marriage can be a wonderful thing. Staying single can be wonderful, too. Same goes for living together without the wedding ceremony…
I was born into a house full of violence. My parents got divorced early, my grandparents are divorced, too. My best friends are parents are divorced as-well. All of these people are basically wishing the death of their once beloved partner. But it hasn’t to be this way. Of course I couldn’t imagine it, because not a single person I grew up with had a functional family / marriage.
Then I met my fiance. Parents married and happy. Grandparents married and happy – on both sides. Some family members are widowed, but stayed with their partner till death took them. I couldn’t believe it. It took me years to realize, they actually mean it. But how?
Marriage (functional relationships) is work, requires trust, love and understanding. What I would love to empathize tho, is forgiving. Things happen, words are spoken, accusations are made, feelings get hurt and it’s easier to break up than work through things. Forgiving isn’t easy, but well worth it (depending on the circumstances)!
Because of my background, I didn’t trust myself with marrying my Darling yet. Now we’re together for seven years already. Do I regret not having married him sooner? I don’t, because if I’m stepping in front of the altar now, my “yes” will have a totally different quality to it.
I guess everyone has to figure out for themselves, whether they want to marry. Whether the ceremony makes a difference. To me treating each other kindly and enjoying each others company is a lot more important than the wedding process. And no-one keeps us from getting married “late” either, right? 😉
Dear Ms. Hamilton! Thank you for your words! I am very happily married for 3,5 years now. Before that my husband and I have been together for 8 years. After we both completed our education, I asked him simply “Should we marry?”. He agreed, and that was that. (I just can’t stand the silliness of romantic-movie-proposals, and he knows that.) The wedding was just one exhausting day – surely not my happiest or – god forbid – most important one.
There is just one tiny little sentence about your text that bugs me a little bit:
“To some women helping with housework means love”
It is not really clear to me, if even a strong successful woman like you, considers housework as ”the woman’s task”, or if you are simply accepting (quite accurately unfortunately) that this still is the way it is in many or even most woman/man partnerships.
(I was often myself asking this at some occasions before, when Nathaniel is described as “the wife” in your Anita books, just because he does the housework.)
I do not want to offend, I am just wondering about your opinion about this.
Otherwise the Anita books really delight my heart – a woman with several male lovers who accept each other! I just love this setting.