New Blog – When I grow up I want . . .
From the time I was twelve-years-old I never planned to marry. I would live on an island with lots of animals and write my stories, because writers could live anywhere; right? At twenty-one I left my grandmother’s house to marry my first husband. I never owned my own apartment, never lived alone, and then suddenly I was part of a couple. It had been just my grandmother and me, and now it was just my husband and me. It seemed not that different, and yet entirely different. I think if I’d come from a bigger family that I might have had more trouble transitioning to this two person system, this couple, but two seemed familiar, seemed right. By the time we celebrated our first anniversary we had one Yellow-naped Amazon parrot, a hand fed luntino Cockatiel, and a canary that would come out of its cage and play on the parrot playground. I was writing and trying to sell my stories when I wasn’t working in corporate America. We’d moved to California, so I was at least by the ocean, I was part way to my island.
Fifteen years later we were living in St. Louis, Missouri, the middle of the country, and I’d almost forgotten that island dream. I was a best-selling novelist and I was separating from my soon-to-be ex-husband. I got my first apartment that was just mine. I was able to pick out a kitchen table and chairs without consulting anyone’s opinion but my own. It was GREAT! I reveled in the freedom of just me. Well, not just me, because one room of the apartment was for our daughter, Trinity. I let her pick the color and the decor. She was five-years-old and wanted a totally pink room. At her age, so had I, and she wanted a pink canopy bed, and so had I, so who was I to argue with her? Besides, I’d already told her she could pick everything, this would be a promise that I would never make to a child this young again. The pink paint was called Candy Pink, or something equally innocuous, but we, the painters, the people who delivered the furniture, all of us, dubbed the color Eye-Bleed Pink, because it was so bright it made us nauseous to be in the room too long. One of the men who delivered her pink and white canopy bed declared the color made him dizzy. But Trinity loved her room! The rest of the apartment was mine to decorate as I saw fit, and I loved being on my own. I was never going to marry again, it hadn’t worked for me, monogamy with the wrong person is a trap I never wanted to fall into again. My ex-husband got to keep our remaining parrot and I got the two dogs; we shared Trinity.
Six months later I would be engaged to a friend I’d known for eight years, Jonathon, and we’d be planning our wedding. My first husband swept me off my feet in a gentle, geeky kind of way. Jonathon and I snuck up on each other, just friends until the moment we realized we weren’t. I’d done the big wedding once, but he hadn’t, and what my sweetie wanted, I wanted to give him, so we did it up big. Trinity and her best friend were our flower girls and they got to ride in the horse drawn carriage at the end after we were pronounced husband and wife, because if you have a little girl and you have a horse drawn carriage they get to ride in it too, that’s just a rule somewhere, or should be.
Jonathon and I celebrate our thirteenth anniversary next Monday. We are happier now, more in love now, than when we started. Having been through a marriage where ten years in, that was not the case, I value this love and our life, all the more. Trinity is happy, healthy, and off to college. We have three dogs and about twenty koi in the pond. We still live in the middle of the country, so no closer to that island I wanted at age twelve, but I am now a #1 New York Times Bestselling novelist (my agent always insists I write it that way *waves at agent*) so part of my childhood dream is on track.
Four years ago, Jonathon and I were in love with another man. He was our third, and I’d hoped he might be a live-in third someday, but the situation was too complicated. No one’s fault, just not enough honest communication and grownup straight forwardness, I think. But our ex-third introduced us to a woman and her partner. The woman was Genevieve, and her partner doesn’t matter much to this story, because two years later he would be an ex for both of us. But Genevieve would be my first girlfriend ever, and she dated both Jonathon and me. Even more than our ex-third she loved us both, equally, and I hadn’t realized how much I, we, needed that until we had it. She was states away, and we settled into a long distance relationship, LDR, most of our polyamorous relationships have been LDR. She met another man. We knew all about Spike from the beginning, because poly has only one hard rule: that everyone is honest. Spike would talk to us for hours as he planned her engagement ring. Who knew her better than we did, after all we’d been dating her a year longer than he had. We were part of the party where he planned to surprise her with the proposal. I got to help distract Genevieve so that when I turned her around he was just down on one knee with the ring held up to her. It was wonderful and we’d worked as unit to pull it off.
Next week, just after Jon and I celebrate thirteen years of wedded bliss, Genevieve and Spike are moving in with us. They are bringing their two dogs, and yes we have introduced our packs with the help of a local “Dog Whisperer”. Genevieve will also be bringing her fifty-five gallon aquarium of fish. She and I have already talked about a possible lizard, and more fish. Both Spike and I are terribly allergic to cats, and that is a blow to her, but she loves us both, even enough to risk never owning a cat again. I am getting shots, and hope to find a way, someday, for her to have her beloved felines again. She has also asked about parrots, but I am allergic to feathers, which was one reason I had to give up the parrot to my ex-husband. I miss having birds, very much, and hope to find one type I am not allergic to. I’m the writer I dreamed about being, and we will soon have as many dogs as I envisioned as a child, and I hope, nearly pray, that we may add more animals as time goes on, now all we need is that island. Some place tropical, Genevieve?
74 thoughts on “New Blog – When I grow up I want . . .”
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Beautiful post, and congratulations, both on the anniversary and on Genevieve and Spike moving in!!
I’m alergic to cats generally but have a part-bermese which I don’t react to, I’m told this is a common thing
correction part-bengal
Congratulations on all of it! Enjoy the wonderful life you’ve worked for.
Congrats on all the happiness Laurell! It is so wonderful to read about. I enjoy seeing you at DragonCon each year, usually only in passing from one panel or hotel to another.
I do know of an island in Florida that is for sale if you want info. I’m a real estate appraiser by trade and not an agent, so I have no skin in the game.
Congratulations on both the anniversary and finding those special people that round you out. I remember seeing Jonathon as a few of your book signings and it always made me smile at how he looked at you. So glad and so happy for all four of you and your growing family.
Lovely. You guys are seriously amazing and I’m glad to count you and Jon as friends.
How beautiful to have found so much love in one life and to still be on the road to realizing a dream.
Depending on how allergic to cats dander you are, it may be possible to have a cat and bathe it like a dog. Some cats really enjoy a bath and others can learn to tolerate them. When the cat gets used to a bath, they will let you know when you forget to bathe them!
I am so happy for you. Your writing has helped me overcome a lot of stigmas in my life and I am now happy with not only who I am but what I want in life. You deserve happiness as does everyone and I am completely stoked you are fulfilling your childhood dream, no matter how long it takes or how hard you have to work to get there. You are an inspiration to us all. <3
I love that you are brave and strong enough to fight for what makes you happy. I hope you find your island.
Congrats on your love and life, I hope you have every happiness together!
I love that you share so much of yourself with us. I am so happy for all of you to finally be able to be together without poor you having to get on an airplane. I’m glad your life is almost (minus the Island) what you always dreamed of. It took me years (I’m proud to say I’m 60) to find my one true love and happines. I’m glad you’ve found your true loves and happiness too.
Finding happiness and love in life can be difficult, and congratulations on finding both with all the people in your life!
Congratz on you and Jonathan’s upcoming wedding anniversary and also arrival of your loves. May y’all have many many more years of happiness.
Let me start off with Congratulations! Both for the thirteen years and for your poly group finally being together in one place. I also want to say I admire your for your honesty and willingness to share all of this with your fans. I don’t know how you guys make it work but love should never have any boundaries and you have shed light on a type of relationship most people don’t know about or don’t want to know about. My husband and I wish you all a Happy Anniversary and can’t wait for the next book and blog.
May you and yours live long and enjoy each other. Congratulations.
A very inspirational story. Congratulations on the upcoming anniversary and with the moving in with Genevieve and Spike <- I LOVE that name!
One of the great things about dreams is that they can change into something else but still be wonderful. So here’s to your Dream and your new family. May it always be wonderful.
Love this post!!! So happy for you(all)! That dream island home will come soon enough.
Congrats. I’ve enjoyed your other world’s and watch for your tips on writing closely. I’m an aspiring writer and have great hopes for the future. I’ve always dreamed of being a writer, but didn’t start pursuing it until later in life. I’m so happy that you’re finding your happiness. You’re so important to so many.
Happy anniversary to you both and hopefully many more in the future. Gratz on Genevieve and Spike too. Its not everyday that you can find such bliss with more than one person at a time. Most is one person cheating on the other and the other one miserable. But I hope that everything goes well for you all and you have a wonderful time in the future. Many happy wishes for you all.
i am glad that you seem to have realized that you deserve the happiness you have worked so hard to build. Live, laugh, and love…
Thank you for this! It’s nice to hear about poly success stories. I wrote about my experiences being poly for a column writing class and not a single person in the room had heard of it before! There is a great poly community in Boston, but I hope society as a whole can continue to learn about, and accept, other lifestyle choices. Congrats!
I am very happy you seem to be mostly where you want be and found your happiness. I am also glad I read this post right now because it gives me strength to keep to the conviction of my recent life altering choices.
You sound so happy… It made me cry!
Hi LKH,
This was a beautiful post. When I was younger, my grandparents lived on an island up in the 1000-Islands region of New York, surrounded by wildlife. Every summer up until about two years ago we went for a few weeks at a time. It was wonderful – we went up to the mainland for the groceries we could not grow or fish, we spent all day reading, tanning, and fishing, and even took the trail through the large 4×6 mile island on occasion.
One time when I was around ten years old, my father sat down with my sister and me and said that if we could get 100 perch in the course of a day, we would eat perch for dinner. Normally it would be bass or something from the mainland, so perch was something new and exciting. We also thought we could do it, because my sister and I could get a fish every few minutes if we stayed out there and persisted. Because of the mercury content in the Saint Lawrence River, we could only get the fish between 6 and 12 inches. For three days, we fished and put our catches in these buckets, so they would still be alive. We got 88, 94, and 77. We would have had over 100 on the first two days if not for the size restrictions. So we had a lot of great memories there.
The solitude of an island is incredible, but it can be very dangerous. We weren’t allowed campfires, in case of an issue with it spreading. It takes an hour for a barge to come out with the proper equipment for a wildfire, and at that point it could have gotten completely out of control. In addition, the closest hospital is 45 minutes away by boat. My dad wanted to cut sticks so we could roast marshmallows over the grill for s’mores. He went out into the woods, found a lot of green stems, and proceeded to cut them. Unfortunately, his knife slipped from his grasp and cut his finger almost completely off, where only stray muscle and skin kept it attached. If he had been any further from the hospital, he would have lost his pinky completely.
The other thing I wanted to bring up was your history with relationships. I know this is a far cry from an anecdote or two from my childhood in the 1000 Islands region of NY, but I believe I can relate to you in many things, as I am a struggling writer having to make it by working in the corporate world. My husband and I have been married for three years (10/8/14 will be the 3rd year), and I’ve been considering leaving him. There’s nothing wrong with him, not really, but I married my rebound guy. He was the total opposite of my exboyfriend at the time, and I thought that was what I needed. However, I don’t love him. I wanted to know if it was difficult to take that step of leaving and later divorcing.
My husband and I hav e a deal working on that we can sleep with other people as long as we don’t have children with others or pick up STDs, but I cannot picture him ever wanting a “third.” In fact, he is not exactly happy with our arrangement, but it is his desperate attempt at keeping me. He has no other women, while I have one woman and one man that I date. The woman and I just enjoy each other’s company, while the man is my best friend of 11 years. My best friend and I want no more than the friendship we have and the occasional evening delights. And while this deal with my husband has worked for awhile, I am still in that uncomfortable position of using him because I don’t love him while he loves me to death.
How difficult is it? What suggestions would you have?
I’m going to be terribly judgmental here. I’m sorry about that. Well, not really.
As Laurell mentioned, being poly or in an open relationship requires a high degree of honesty. You have to be honest with your partners and yourself.
Have you told your husband that you’re considering leaving him because you don’t love him?
Are you and your husband both sterilized? If you’re not, then there is no guarantee that there won’t be a pregnancy.Birth control only lessens the possibility.
There is no guarantee that you won’t get an STD if you’re having sex with others. You can decrease your odds with various preventative measures but there is no guarantee.
What you have done is set up a no-win situation. Neither you nor your husband can 100% guarantee that there won’t be a pregnancy or STD.
It’s far more honest to have a discussion over what you and your husband will do if there is a pregnancy or STD. If you become pregnant, how much input will your husband and the father have in the raising of the child? (Check your state laws–your husband may be responsible for any children.) If your husband gets someone else pregnant, how much will you and your husband participate in the child’s life? Will both your incomes be used to figure out child support payments? Again, you may want to consult your state laws regarding these kinds of issues.
Yes, divorce is hard.
You say you’re in that uncomfortable position of using him because I don’t love him while he loves you to death.
I disagree. You’re in that uncomfortable position of using him because you’re comfortable and don’t particularly care about him. You know it’s wrong to not care about his feelings but you’re okay because you’re comfortable. That’s not an easy thing to admit, especially to yourself.
If you want to stay in a poly situation, I would suggest you find a poly support group.
If you want to stay married, I would suggest that you find a marriage counselor. You don’t solve marital problems by bringing in more people to muck it up.
You are living my dream! Thank you so much for sharing. I think that it is so special when my favorite author (#1 New York Times Bestselling Novelist) shares her real life with others. I’m 53 and still trying to pump out my first novel and you are such an inspiration! Love and Light to you and your family.
So happy things have worked out for you. Your post reflects someone content in her life. Can not tell how much that means to me. I love to be around and apart of people that work to that ultimate goal. Congratulations and Happy Anniversary, I wish you guys only the best.
Happy early anniversary! This made me tear up a little. It’s so nice to hear about happy poly relationships. I feel like there need to be more stories like yours out there to show that people can really love more than one person without anyone feeling excluded. I admire how you handle the mention of the exes. Maybe it’s just the people who choose poly, perhaps I’ve just had pleasant experiences and am totally off-base, but I’ve noticed that poly people seem to remain on friendly terms with their exes and have more amicable partings of ways than the monogamous folks I know. I hope the move goes well for everyone and the pups and people have a seamless transition! I’m so excited for you all!
Congratulations to you all x
Congratulations! You are the writer I dream of becoming. I am currently working on my own novel (when I am not re reading anita blake books) I wish all 4 of you bliss!
Hi Laurell,
I am almost envious of this love that you have. Enjoy every second of it. Congratulations on both your wedding anniversary and on Genevieve and Spike coming home.
Congrats on both finding and keeping true love, but being true to yourself. So happy to hear everything is going well, and they are moving in with you. Happy times!
Oh my goodness, this move in sounds scary and wonderful at the same time, good luck and may all your love just keep getting better. Thanks for sharing your blessings with us.
You keep my hopes up of staying true to my dream and believing in it coming true one day ♥
Congratulations! Both on the 13th anniversary and Genevieve&Spike moving in!
What you have now is something my husband and I only dream for now and hope to one day have even after being together for 11 years now …
Congratulations on your anniversary and to Spike and Genevieve moving in!!
There is nothing better and more fulfilling then finding the other 3 chambers of your heart to complete one that is yours ♥
Congrats, Laurell! It’s great to hear you’re so happy 🙂
Congratulations to You and Jon, Genevieve and Spike and all your critters… Be Happy!
AMAZING!!!!!! Absolutely Amazingly beautiful!! I always knew there was a good story with good and hard times that brought you all together but seeing it and how you all have grown in so many ways makes me wish for my dreams to come true!!! I hope you find that tropical island someday but don’t leave us please. We need you and your posts and books to get us through!!!!!
Happy anniversary and congratulates to all of you. I really admire how open and natural you are about poly. Its not always easy but well worth it when it works out.
Best wishes on achieving all of the milestones you already have listed and on the ones you don’t even know you want yet.
What a wonderful journey! I wish you all much happiness for many years to come. How beautiful!
Thank you for sharing so much of yourself with your fans. Wish you and your growing family all the best. So glad you were able to have your dream of becoming a writer. I have had many hours of enjoyment from your books and I know I will have many more. Love both the Anita Blake and Meredith Gentry series of books.
Glad you are all happy. Have you looked into Devon Rex cats? They are hairless so good for people with allergies and they look awesome – sort of like aliens, how cool is that!
i am so happy for all of you! it will sure help you with the empty nest syndrome to have the rest of your loves in the same house. blessings as you all settle into a new routine!
Congratulations! I wish you all the very best. I’m sorry to hear about your cat allergy as they have been some of my best friends. Have you considered one on the hairless breeds? They’re not the cuddliest of cats but their personalities are the same. BTW will you all be “jumping the broom”?
On the island question, have you ever thought of moving down here to New Zealand?
I love that my favorite author of all time is so happy. Your books, Anita, Merry, and all there men have helped me through hard times. I just wish I could find one person to make me as happy as you all are. I swear I’m not picky, just looking for my happy place, surrounded by people I love who love me the same.
Congrats to all of you. You all give me hope that I will find the people I am suppose to be with also.
Best wishes for your Happy Ever After <3
WOW, This is a beautiful story… I really like to lern a little more about you in each of your new blogs.
I really love your books and I find it exciting to find something more about you not just as an author but as a person.
Congrats I hope to be a happy as ou someday:)
I have an eclectic parrot and she does not have the pollen that a lot of birds have. I would recommend it. They talk, but not much unless you get a male which are all green. I would like to be a writer one day I’m writing a book…week trying to I have gotten through 38 paged. The one thing I have to ask is how do you know when to stop? When I start writing I can write all day,but eventually I’m going to write to much. How do you know when your done writing one book just to start up on another one
Congratulations on your 13th year anniversary …and for Genevieve and spike moving in 🙂 love animals……my mom was a fanatic lol ( ferrets, piranhas,rats, mice ,gerbils,rabbits(Houdini), chinchilla(Nikita), macaw(willie)cockatoos,love birds, all species of fish, dogs, skunk, iguana(spike and Dina) chameleon(rose and jack) genuine pig(snicker doodle) chicken(13)and a bald rat (max).
Happy anniversary, and I wish you great joy for your live-in foursome 🙂
It’s a weird thing, when I read your books, life seems to be a long fight, for everything, but when I read your blog, about your real life, you almost make me believe in fairy tales, big love, happiness, etc.
I know, if you get all of that, you probably fought for, and you earned it, but it gives me hope to find my own way to “great love” for me 🙂
Thank you for that
Many Blessings to you and all those you love.
Glad that you’ve even come close to the life u dreamed of don’t ever give up on the whole package
That is such a touching story, Laurel. Thanks for being so vulnerable and sharing the details of your intimate heart-life. I was in a 2-woman, 1-man triad once and those were happy days. I long to be part of a fourple like your little tribe. I practically wept at the beauty of your love story. Best of luck to your family. Warm Regards, Karen Parker
Thank you for sharing… your life and loves with us. It is very refreshing to read (outside of books) of honest – to – goodness real love! How it takes some sacrifice and compromise, but it is always worth it to be brave enough to reach for it. I wish all of you much love and happiness. Congratulations to your Genevieve and Spike!
All the best to you & yours. It’s good to see that polys are also stepping forward. I hope that as others are able stand with the partners of their choice under law with all the rights thereto, that so to will you. Fifty years of hopes & dreams I’ve held are opening for others, may you have full joy.
Look into the Siberian breed of cats. They are supposed to be one of the most hypo allergenic breeds available. My brother’s ex-wife and her kids are horribly allergic to cats and they were able to have a Siberian. They had no reactions at all and even ended up getting a second one.
Glad to hear you are closer to getting the life you always wanted. Great books. Maybe you need to have two homes–one in the middle of the country and a winter home in a southern climate surrounded by lots of blue water. As to the cat allergy problem, you might investigate Siberian cats which are supposed to be hypoallergenic. I have a friend with a lot of allergies who is able to have two Siberian cats. She got her cats through a breeder in Georgia–Croska Siberian Cats & Kittens. The only problem she has had with the cats is they refuse to leave her yarn alone.
Congrats on your anniversary to Jon and on finding such a wonderful couple to share your life and happiness with, Genevieve and Spike. I cant begin to tell you how happy it makes me knowing that you guys are all so happy. While I dont follow the poly lifestyle I still strive to have happy realtionships and wish you oceans of love.
Thank you for allowing us into your life so much that you share these milestones with us. It has taught me alot about myself and about life in general. You have shown all of us fans what it is like to be you and has made me want to be a better person.
Congratulations! Its so nice to hear about people’s successes… I am glad that your dreams have come true or are in the process of coming true. It sound’s like you don’t even need the island, you already have paradise with the people you love and who love you.
You are truly living the life I could only dream of. My husband of 21 years and I have had different bedrooms for 10 years now. I thought when the kids moved out maybe it would change. But not. We only live about 3 hours south from you and I ask him if we could go for one of your singings but all he cares about is sports and I have my books. Please keep up the great Blake books she is what I wish I could be. Nat and Nicky. yummy!!!!!!
Oh so very happy for you guys!!!! Congrats on both accounts.
All I can say is WOW! Congrats! That is amazing!
You post was wonderful and congratulations to you all!
… sniff… I am just so happy, nay EXTATIC, for all of you!!!
Congratulations. As I get older, I realize the only thing I truly want is someone I can be completely honest, about everything, with. I’d feel so lucky if I could have just one….. treasure your several.
Glad you’ve found so much happiness
I think only special people can get beyond their egos and fears to allow such an abundance of love and acceptance to dwell around you and your loved ones. It is almost an evolution-growing into the type of love God always meant for us to have. The more we love the closer we get to Him. I love you as a storyteller, as a philosopher, as the sister I never had and now as a voice for love beyond ourselves=love for loves sake. Peace and Blessings and thank you for sharing!
I am not allergic to cats ( and I have a few, also dogs) but one of my cats is a Korat ( also called Thai Korat) and I have a friend that is allergic to cats and the Korat is the only cat of my household who doesn’t make him sick.