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I’m still in a bad mood. I’ve begun to figure out some of the reasons. Mostly to do with the fact that apparently my lesson for the year is patience, and dealing with ambiguity. Neither of these is my best thing. I’m very impatient and I like things very black and white. No waffling; thank you. But, if I already knew how to deal with it, it wouldn’t be a lesson, would it? Sigh.

But one thing I do when I’m feeling blue, or just overwhelmed by all the many blessings in my life. Yes, you read that right. One of my lessons is to allow myself to enjoy my success. My Grandmother raised me that God was a sort of cosmic loan shark, or hitman. If you got too happy, then God would get you! It meant that my grandmother didn’t let herself enjoy much of anything, because if you enjoyed it, then bad things happened. So when good things happened, she made herself miserable to keep God from doing it, and when bad things happened it just confirmed her dark view of the universe. Most of the time I’m all right, but every once in awhile my Grandmother’s voice fills my head, and I’m filled with fear. Things are going too well, so bad things will happen. This kind of thinking leads some people to sabotage their lives so that it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. I don’t do that. I work hard, and try and make things better. But sometimes, the darkness in my head, just overwhelms. Not the fun dark, but the night sweats. That 3:00 A. M. waking up in the dark, stare at the ceiling, with your heart pounding, and your pulse filling your throat. Nightmare, or did you really hear a noise? Or the worst of the 3:00 A. M.s; you just lie awake, convinced that everything has gone to shit, and there is no help for it, or even worse, nothing is wrong, everything is wonderful, but you are filled with an overwhelming sense of dread. I’ve been having those kinds of feelings in broad daylight. By my grandmother’s rules, I should have something horrible coming. I know the universe doesn’t work the way she seemed to think it does. I know God and Goddess is about love more than punishment, but old habits die hard. I think, three years after her death, I’m finally starting to let myself grieve. You’d think that would be healing, but it’s not, it’s raised old demons, and I walk through my day haunted.

What to do when stuck in therapy hell with your inner demons seeming to gain ground? When all else fails, I donate to a rescue group, and try and help one of the pups. Today’s happy recipient of my dismal mood was Delia.

The Mid-Atlantic German Shepard Rescue has been hit pretty hard just recently with a lot of high needs dogs. So, if you’re wondering what you can do to make a difference in the world, donate a dollar. This is my charity for today, but pick a different one if you want to. You don’t have to be rich to make a difference. Remember that every million is made up of one dollar at a time. We can do more together than alone.