Tag: building relationships

20 things I’ve learned about true love –

1. If you dread going home to the love of your life, they aren’t.

2. If you’d been happily married over ten years and people tell you, you’re lucky, it’s not luck – you’ve all worked your asses off to stay this happy.

3. Mind blowing sexual passions can last for decades, but you both have to want it, crave it, work at it.

4. Yes, I said you have to work at keeping passion alive in your long term relationships. Why does everyone think that they can work at their careers, their friendships, their family, their kids, their hobbies, but that great sex will just take care of itself? It doesn’t.

5. Find someone who is passionate about you in the bedroom and out of it.

6. Talk to each other, not just about the bills, or who’s driving the kids to soccer practice, or who picked up the dry cleaning, but about things that interest you. Bring your stories, your dreams, your goals, your fancies to each other always.

7. Get in shape together, or at least at the same time. Keep each other healthy. Or at least don’t sabotage each other.

8. Don’t go to bed angry.

9. Don’t be afraid to go to couple’s therapy.

10. Don’t be afraid to push each other outside your comfort zones, but remember to find enough comfort in your lives for you to all be happy.

11. If something is bothering you in the relationship talk about it early, before resentment builds up.

12. Remember that most big fights aren’t about the dirty clothes on the floor, the burnt dinner, the missed appointment, or whatever you think you’re fighting about. It’s about how it makes your partner, or you feel. The dirty sock on the floor can be the straw that broke the camel’s back, but it’s not the whole camel.

13. Schedule couple time regularly and make sure you both agree on what that time is used for, or take turns deciding.

14. Schedule alone time, remember each of you was a whole person before you found each other. Being in a relationship doesn’t change that.

15. Being in love should help you be more of who you are, a better, happier version of you. If you feel worse, sad, and miserable, then something has gone wrong.

16. There will be days when you’re sad, exhausted, overwhelmed, that’s normal. Being in love, even true love, doesn’t mean being happy every minute of every day. Only worry when the bad days out number the good for months. The good should out weigh the bad in a relationship, but it won’t get rid of all the bad stuff in your lives. This is true love, not a Disney Princess movie. (With apologies to both Frozen and Frozen 2.)

17. Remember to kiss and cuddle often. Both are proven mood boosters, and help keep our pair bond with our partners stronger. This is science people.

18. Try to find someone who’s level of skin hunger matches your own. Do not assume that the level of passion in the early days is normal for both of you. Discuss your expectations for passion and touching as the years go by. You’d be surprised at the number of people that assume passion will cool and that’s normal. If you both agree on that, great, but if only half of you agrees that’s a problem. I’m not just talking sex here, but literally the amount of touching, hand holding, kissing, physical affection in general.

19. You can grow together as a couple, or you can grow apart from each other. Choose wisely.

20. Remember that falling in love is the beginning of your story together, not the end.

Choose Joy

Choose joy 

​Yesterday was a hard day. I had a serious fight with someone I love. No fight gets as vicious as one between loved ones because we know each other’s weakness, and the painful spots, so we can drive the knife in deep where it counts. Fights with people we care about are the worst for that reason and because if it’s bad enough you can irreparably damage the relationship – forever. There came a moment of decision.

 

​I could hold a grudge and make things worse, or I could choose joy and give the person who hurt me a chance to redeem the relationship. I chose joy, they worked their issues, and it was good. It was so much better than holding onto the resentment and anger would have been. A grudge leaves no room for joy, or healing. I chose to try and to believe we could work things out and today is a much better day. But I did not choose blindly and it took the other person, who was part of the negativity, to work their issues and risk being vulnerable enough to come to me with renewed effort. I did the same, because no matter who is right, or wrong, it usually takes both people in a fight to cause it – even if only a little on one side. Don’t keep score; heal, do better, talk, communicate the shit out of how you got into the bad moment and what you can do to get out of it and onto something better.

 

​Please, notice above that I didn’t forgive and just accept the apology and go on. We both worked the issues that had led to the fight and talked about it. We talked about it until the discussion is almost as hard as the fight, but without the talking and the willingness to work the issues involved, forgiveness doesn’t work. Yes, you read that right. Forgiveness is empty if the person you’re forgiving keeps doing the same hurtful things over and over again because that means they didn’t mean the apology. Or, if they only mean the apology when they are in the middle of the fight, or see the pain they’re causing their loved ones, but then they go right back to the bad behavior – they aren’t sorry. Or they’re not sorry enough to change the behavior causing the problem. If that’s the case, then you’re screwed. Your only choices are to either settle for being dragged into their painful drama forever, or to walk away. If people won’t work their issues, you can’t work them for them. You cannot carry another person’s burden without depriving that person of the lessons they’re supposed to learn to become the best possible THEM, they can be. Look at it this way, if you keep rescuing the princess, she never learns to rescue herself. Or, if you keep putting up with the ogre’s horrible behavior, he will never turn into the handsome prince, because you’ll stay with the ogre. Its hard work to become a prince, or a self-rescuing princess, or a princess if your ogre runs to the feminine sort, or a self-rescuing prince – its freaking hard work to change yourself. People seldom do it for real, they do just enough to get by and then the old habits come back. Old habits, even self-destructive ones are strangely comforting, because they are the known, the familiar. The unknown and the unfamiliar scare the hell out of most people, but if you let the fear of the unknown stop you, your life is automatically limited. Is that what you want, a limited life? No? Then you have to forge ahead into the unknown, explore new worlds, new possibilities, because when the old habits lead you to the same bad places, bad relationships, dead end jobs, unhealthy bodies, the only way to find a better place to be, better relationships, a job you love, or one that supports you and your family better, or both, and/or a healthier body, is to try something new. Don’t let old habits, old pain, old issues, old fears, old unhappiness win! If you and your loved ones are willing to do the work you can find new, healthier habits, heal the pain, work through the issues that are stopping you, conquer the fears, and find yourself happier! 

 

​Choose joy, but understand that joy takes work. Decide to be happier, healthier, more productive, whatever you need in your life, and then be willing to do the work to make it happen. Choose Joy, and then work your ass off to get it, and keep it.