polyamory Archives - Laurell K. Hamilton

The War Does Not End at Home

To all the Veterans and those who love them,

My cousin’s war was Vietnam. I don’t know what happened to him, but from things I heard he came back earlier than expected. I don’t truly know why, just bits of my uncles talking when they didn’t think I was old enough to remember or understand. He seemed sad, that I remember. Whatever happened while he was gone it changed him, but like my uncles before him about their own wars no one talked about it at least not with little girls or women in general. It would take me years and dating men who had served to realize that men don’t talk to anyone about it, not even each other. Oh, they’ll tell stories especially if they can spin it for humor, or bragging rights, but they don’t talk about it in the way that I had assumed they did. Maybe after a few drinks, or a lot of drinks. Sometimes you drink to remember, and then you drink some more to forget. That would change over the years, but back then men were men and that meant you didn’t talk about it. My cousin lived a long life after he came home from Vietnam. He got married, had a son, and would finally die suddenly during the covid lockdown. None of us talked about his paranoid delusions or that when he was at his worst my grandmother and I were afraid of him. It didn’t happen often, but it also didn’t happen until after he went away to war. To my knowledge he never went to the VA or tried to get help from them. No veteran I knew growing up ever went there for help.

I dated a man who served in Iraq. I’m a light sleeper, so I’d wake when he started to struggle in his nightmares. I’d pet him back to sleep before it got too bad and woke him. He said he slept better with me than anyone else, but there were nights when I missed my cue, slept more soundly and woke to find his side of the bed empty. I’d get up and walk through the dark until I found him in the living room on the couch not planning to sleep, but to maybe turn on the TV and lay there, or maybe just sit in the dark until dawn. I’d coax him back to bed, and we’d try again. I lay awake until his snoring let me know he was deeply asleep, and only then would I relax and sleep myself, but I tried to keep a hand on him, so I’d feel the first hint of the nightmares coming for him.

My boyfriend went to Afghanistan before we met. There were anger issues, but I had my own that I’d spent decades in therapy learning to control, so I said, work your issues and we’ll be okay. He went to therapy, he worked his issues, it got better. I am not a veteran, my anger had nothing to do with war foreign or domestic, but rage recognizes rage. There’s a kinship to having that much destruction inside you whether you aim it outward or inward, or a little bit of both. There was one infamous Thanksgiving that he put his fist through a wall. I waited until the next day when he was all smiles, and you’d think that the tempest had never happened except for the hole in the plaster board. I told him that if anything like that ever happened again, we were done, and he was moving out. He seemed shocked, but he believed me when I said it was a hard limit and nothing like that ever happened again. He did go to the VA for help and there were questions about sleep disturbances which he knew he had, but he didn’t know all of it, because he slept through it. Only those of us that had shared a bed with him could tell him that he cried out in his sleep, but never in English, usually in Arabic. Dream or memory, it never woke him. He’d stop yelling, and grow quiet, his breathing deep and even until the next time.

I knew my best friend before he joined the military. He thought he’d be going somewhere hot and sandy but ended up in a very different part of the world. He came back and like many military men do eventually became a police officer. I’ve been his phone call when the demons come, and the nightmares don’t wait for sleep. I’ve talked him down when I could hear his pistol on the other end being racked back, knowing there was one in the chamber. I knew what the sound was the very first time, it’s a singular sound nothing else quite like it. There’s also nothing quite like the fear that rushes through your body on the other end of the phone until your fingertips and toes tingle with the adrenaline as you realize that your voice is it, all that stands between the friend you’ve known since he was seventeen pulling the trigger. Words are what I do for a living, but I’ve never scrambled so hard to find something to say or prayed so hard for the right words in my life than I did those phone calls. The relief when we were finally able to get off the phone and he unloaded his gun and gave me his word he’d put it away for that night. I’m not sure I have the words to describe that kind of relief, the weakness that comes you’re your body as your own adrenaline seeps away. The grateful tears that your friend is still with you, and sometimes the hysterical tears, because I’m not trained to do this, I’m out a therapist. What if the next time I get it wrong and he pulls the slide back, puts that live one in the chamber and hangs up on me? What if he pulls the trigger while I’m listening and the sound of that shot, the sound I’ve been dreading lets me know I’ve failed, the final failure and lost my best friend? What if, what if, what if … but it didn’t happen, we’re safe. He’s remarried to a wonderful woman. He’s happier and calmer than I’ve ever known him to be. They have a little girl. Life is good. There haven’t been any nighttime phone calls in a very long time.

Times have changed since my cousin went to Vietnam. Men are talking about their pain and their experiences in the military and out of it. The VA is slowly becoming more responsive to the damage done to our men and women when they serve. It’s not perfect and it varies greatly depending on which part of the country your VA is in, but it is getting better. If you need help, please go get it. I know it sucks that getting help from the VA can be a fresh battle which is exhausting all on its own. Hang in there and remember you are worth it, you deserve it, the government sent you to war, they’re supposed to help you afterwards, damn it. For all those who aren’t veterans or related to anyone in the military, remember the soldier is not the war, or the government. Don’t yell at veterans when you want to yell at politicians, because usually the veterans would like to yell at the politicians right along with you. Be kind to each other out there, because you never know what nightmares the other person is carrying around with them, or how hard they are fighting just to keep going. You don’t have to have been in a real war to be struggling, but think about how hard the last few years have been on all of us, then add the memories and damage of having gone to war. That’s why we thank veterans for their service. It’s acknowledgment that the government has screwed them over even more than the rest of us.

Shutdown, Again

I wrote the story, Shutdown, an original Anita Blake story during a very different government shutdown under President Obama. I wanted to give my fans something positive during a very negative event, and here we are again just it’s President Trump now. I’m tired of all the politics and how they seem to care more about being right, then about doing what is right. To all the government employees and the contract workers that are being so deeply impacted by this shutdown my heart goes out. I know you guys are missing bill payments by now. It seems like there are no more grownups left in Washington D. C. to take care of business, or to take care of the people of this country. I don’t even know what else to say, except here for free it is as an ePub or a mobi file for Kindle, while this current and far too lengthy government shutdown continues is a story for you all to read. If this keeps up I might have to write you another story, maybe Shutdown 2, or something brand new.

EDIT: Jan 30 2019: As The shutdown is over, we’ve removed Shutdown once again.

for those of you having troubl adding the file to your devices, here is a link to basic tutorial on adding an eBook to your device.

Welcome Home, and Thanks for all the Fish!

I plunged my hands into the cool water watching the fish swirl away and school in the far side of the big tank. I was back at the pond store, just like last year, to add to the koi in our water garden. All but one of our fish survived in the new pond even with this amazingly harsh winter. Sorry, everyone on the East Coast, I know you’ve had it harder than we had it here in the middle of the country, but it was the worst winter I’ve ever seen here in Missouri. We had more snow, colder temperatures, and just plain serious winter here, so I watched the frozen pond and worried about our beautiful koi. We honestly worried that all the fish would be dead come spring, and then it was still snowing here in March. Again, it was the worst “spring” on record here because winter seemed here to stay, but the thaw finally came and we watched anxiously as the ice melted. Much to our surprise all the koi, save the one, survived. The pond has a very deep section in the middle with a rock that spills over it like a protective roof, and apparently it was enough shelter to keep them all safe and sound.

So, today we went back to the same pond store that I bought those hardy koi at, because the pond is huge and I love the koi. I’ve wanted a koi pond with enough fish in it to boil in a shining, mouth-gaping mass when you feed them, just like at the Botanical Gardens, for years. We have koi to feed, but to have that beautiful carnivorous looking boil we need more koi, which is why I was trying to catch some of those bright, swirling shapes that swam just out of reach.

Last year we’d sent pictures and used FaceTime to show Genevieve, our long distance girlfriend, as I added the first koi to the pond. The FaceTime had frozen and timed out, and finally we’d gone to talking on the phone to her as we walked around the pond and spilled those first shining fish into the water. We shared it as much as we could with her, but the technology that helped us stay in touch over hundreds of miles was very frustrating that day. Smart phones, tablets, and the internet in general allowed Long Distance Relationships, LDR, to work better than ever before, but last spring was about the time that it just wasn’t enough with Genevieve. We wanted more with her than just texting and shared pictures, or even phone calls. It just wasn’t satisfying enough after four years of dating.

Skip forward a year and today I was back at the same pond store walking among the pools of fish. I wasn’t talking on the phone with Genevieve this time, or sending pictures, because she was there beside me. We picked out the new fish together, plunging the net into the water, herding the fish towards each other with our hands, as if we were bears catching salmon, but we weren’t going to eat these fish. They were coming home with us because now Genevieve and her husband, Spike, are living here. Home is all four of us in one house now.

The fish swim and swirl through the water, quick silver, flashes of gold, shining white, Halloween orange and black, gray-blue like lightning kissed clouds, all dancing through the water, fins flicking, tails like lacy rudders. The butterfly koi are serpentine in their pools, graceful and delicate. The regular koi are heavier, more fish than serpent but still beautiful, shivering living pieces of art that open hungry mouths and run from our hands as if we really are hungry bears reaching down into their world of water and lifting them up into our’s of air.

It was Genevieve that remembered that it was only last spring that we had that frustrating day of koi and failed technology. We smiled at each other and reached across the car to touch. She said, “I’m so happy I’m here this year.”

“Me, too,” I said grinning at her.

She grinned back, and we drove home with our new fish. Home has always been a great word, but it’s even better this year because now, “home” holds the people we love under one roof, at last.

What Polyamory is, and What Polyamory isn’t

Since I came out as polyamorous I have been getting a lot of questions, so here’s an attempt to answer some of them.

What exactly is polyamory?

Ans: It means to love more; to love more people at the same time. The only rule that all poly people agree on is this: you tell the truth to everyone involved. That means that everyone involved in the relationship, or relationships, knows about everyone else. I’ve negotiated with several wives about relationship parameters with their husbands before certain boundaries were crossed because to do any less than be totally upfront beforehand isn’t poly, it’s cheating, and true poly doesn’t cheat. If anyone is telling you they’re poly but they’re sneaking around behind someone’s back, then it’s not polyamory.

Some people allow sexual partners outside of their main relationship but no other emotional ties, others see all relationships as serious only, no just sex allowed. Some close their poly at three, or four, or however many. Closed poly is also referred to as poly monogamy which is just like regular monogamy except it includes more than two people. Some people who are part of the BDSM community will include long time play partners as part of their polyamory, even if that play partner is strictly kinky dungeon time with no actual sex involved. Others see play partners as more casual. Many poly people are not part of the bondage community and many in the community aren’t poly.

How do you bring up the topic of poly to your spouse or special person?

Ans: I’ve never had to do this, so I honestly don’t know. I can tell you how Jonathon and I brought up the topic to each other. Jonathon and I married with the idea that we would not be monogamous as a married couple. Since we’re celebrating our fifteenth wedding anniversary this year, it’s worked for us. We’ve managed to raise a great kid who’s now in college. Our empty nest turned into a decidedly full one when our girlfriend of four & a half years moved in with us and brought her husband along, so that our couple became a fourple. Again, it’s working for the four of us but your mileage may vary. Here’s a little bit of how we got to this happy multiple arrangement.

More than fifteen years ago when Jonathon and I realized we wanted to marry each other, we both had reservations; not about our love for each other, but what the next step was in that love. He’d never been married before and I’d just gotten out of a sixteen year marriage. That had convinced me marriage wasn’t for me and monogamy was definitely not something I wanted to try again, but I was in love with Jonathon and he was in love with me.

One day he said, “I’m not sure I want to tie myself down to just one person forever.”

I replied, “I’m not sure I want to be monogamous with anybody ever again.”

We sort of looked at each other, and if we’d gone the traditional route the relationship would have been over right there, because we were both so not ready for a monogamous relationship like traditional American marriage. I suggested that we marry with the possibility of adding other people to our sex life down the road. We didn’t have a plan for how to do it, and we didn’t know there was a word for what we were trying to accomplish. It was a fan at a signing that first introduced the word, polyamory, to us. We knew monogamy was not what we wanted, so we set out to find something else, something that worked for us as a couple.

I really can’t tell you how to bring up the idea of polyamory into an already existing monogamous relationship, because I’ve never done it.

One thing I do know is that polyamory isn’t a fix for a marriage that is already in trouble. If you’re relationship is in trouble, go to a marriage counselor, or to your local clergy. Go to someone that can help you work on your issues both as individuals and as a couple, because what I’ve found is that a couple’s issues are usually a mix of individual issues that have never been addressed and problems within the couple itself. This holds true whether it’s two, four, or more, involved in the relationship.

Poly is not a cure all for failing marriages, in fact, if the base relationship isn’t strong enough, poly can be the death knell because often the couple isn’t poly at all, they’re just unhappy. Poly won’t fix what’s wrong in the initial couple’s relationship, that has to be strong to begin with to add other people into the mix. Strength builds on top of strength; a weak foundation will bring down the house that’s built upon it, so first your foundation needs to be solid. Only then can you add more weight, and extra people, extra relationships, are more “weight”. You have to be ready for that weight, or it will crush you.

I’m being so adamant in the above because I get far too many people asking me about poly as a “cure” for a marriage that isn’t working. People say, they’re bored and want to bring up poly to their spouse so they can add spice to their marriage. Poly isn’t about adding spice to your relationship, poly is a lifestyle choice. It is a way of dating, forming a domestic partnership, making a family. It is not just an addition to add to your life like date nights, or lingerie.

I know this doesn’t answer all the questions we’ve been getting about polyamory, but I hope it at least answers some of the basic ones. I also hope that it puts to rest this idea that people have that poly is an easy fix for a flagging relationship, or that poly is some fancy word for cheating on your spouse, because it is the opposite of cheating and it is far from easy. Think about the time, effort, and work it requires everyday in any marriage, now think about multiplying that by a factor of two, or more, and that’s what polyamory is. Its totally worth it for those of us who are wired this way, but it’s not a choice to be made lightly and there’s nothing easy about adding extra people to any relationship. Good, solid relationships whether monogamous or polyamorous, are not for wimps.

The picture is of the joined hands of our foursome; Jonathon, Genevieve, Spike, and me.

Ten things I’ve learned from Two Marriages and a Decade of being Polyamorous

1 Do not date drama llamas. Do not date people that are prone to drama, just don’t. No one is that pretty, no sex is that good – no drama queens, or kings.

2 Remember that you aren’t perfect either. No one is perfect, don’t expect it, don’t look for it, because if you do, you are doomed to be continually disappointed.

3 Love means different things to different people. Do not assume that because your last girlfriend loved getting flowers, that your current girlfriend doesn’t see them as funeral flowers, and is trying to figure out a way to tell you, “Please, stop buying me dead plant matter.”

4 People have different hierarchies in love: I put great sex near the top of my list, if that’s not present, then I will not even date you, let alone get into a serious relationship, but I know a surprising number of women that put sex fourth, or lower on their “love list”. Some of the things they put higher on their list ; financial security (whatever that means to them), someone who wants to be the breadwinner, wanting children, good father. Not all men put sex at the top of their list either. I’ve run into several that put emotional security, companionship, good mother, wants to stay at home with kids, or doesn’t want to stay at home with kids, higher on their “love list’. Make sure the love of your life has the same priorities in this area, as you do, otherwise it will eventually destroy your happiness together.

5 No one wants to think they are wanted just for sex. I’ve found that even if the relationship begins with sex, even if the man and I negotiate that it’s going to be about hot, monkey sex, eventually he will feel bad if he doesn’t feel appreciated for other fine qualities. Even your friends with benefits, if it’s to continue as a relationship, needs to know that you like them, even if your friendship is mostly about the booty call. Make people feel appreciated, and make sure they know what you need to feel appreciated to.

6 Men are not mind readers – let me repeat that – men are not mind readers. That’s right my fellow women, the men that want to date you, are dating you, are in a relationship with you, married to you, cannot read your minds. So, it’s up to you to tell them what you want, how you want it; what makes you happy, what makes you sad; you must communicate with them. If any of you have ever said, “If you loved me, you’d known why I was mad at you.” You are setting your lover, boyfriend, husband, up to fail, or get so frustrated there’s going to be a serious fight. Talk to the man, or woman, in your life, ladies, please.

7 Men, most women need you to talk to them and tell them what you need, want, and what makes you happy, or sad. Yes men, I’m talking mostly to you, though any women who date women you get #6 and #7. The strong silent type is fine, but not if it leaves your girlfriend, lover, wife, in the dark as to your emotional wants and needs. We can’t make the shared relationship wonderful, if half the couple is a mystery that never talks to us about anything important.

8 Ladies, don’t push too hard on the communication if the man has never been taught, or encouraged to talk about his emotional needs and wants, it’s going to be weird and uncomfortable for him. The men need to try, but we need to encourage their efforts in this area, but not too hard, or too constantly. Baby steps if they’re one of those men that isn’t an emotional sharing sort of person. If you think 7 & 8 contradict each other, not really, it’s a dance between the two of you, to figure out what’s comfortable for both of you, and how much you both need from each other in this area.

9 If a woman asks a man, “What are you thinking?” and the man says, “Nothing.” Just believe him, men have this wonderful ability to actually still their minds and think nothing for minutes at a time. I know, as a woman, it’s hard to believe that everyone’s mind isn’t going a thousand miles a minute, but it’s true of most men, and even some women. If you insist they had to be thinking something, they will be pressed to make something up, or get angry that you didn’t believe the truth.

10 If you’re with a woman that changes her clothes a lot before going out, please, do not get angry about it. Do not grab a shirt, or shoes, and say, “This matches, let’s just go.” Or, “You look good enough, let’s go.” If your lady is the type to do this, then just budget enough time to let her try on a dozen outfits, before she’s ready to go out. You don’t have to understand why she does this, when you think she is beautiful in anything. Honestly, I’ll do it on occasion and it’s like a compulsion, even I don’t understand it. You will not break a woman from doing this, if she does it, so you can fight about it constantly, or just accept it, and deal.

Real life is not a Romantic Comedy, but it is Romantic

During breakfast I watched the last bit of “You’ve Got Mail,” with Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan. I’ve never seen the movie, but my husband, Jon, had. He wanted me to see the end of it, so I did. It was charming and romantic, and made me think I might want to watch the movie from the beginning, but it also made me think of questions.
Has your real life romance ever been influenced by a romantic comedy film? If so, which one/s? Do you think that any romantic film reflects anything close to real life? If so, which one/s?

The above was what I posted on my FaceBook. I got a lot of responses. People shared some truly wonderful, real life romantic stories. They suggested other films that they thought were more realistic. I admit that the only films that people said was more realistic, or said something real to them, that I’ve seen were, “When Harry met Sally” and “Love, Actually,” but others oft mentioned were, “P.S. I love you,”; “The Notebook,” and “He’s Not that into You.” But most responses said that romantic movies weren’t real enough to impact real life, or worse yet, they felt they set up such high expectations that it spoiled us for real live romances. Several felt that women were especially negatively impacted so that no real man could live up to the fictional version. Some shared that they had found the love/s of their lives and lost them far too early. Everyone was so generous with their sharing that I felt I had to answer my own questions.

First, no romantic film has ever unduly influenced me. Honestly, I’m not a big fan of romances in any form, never have been. I’d rather read mysteries, horror, fantasy, science fiction, nonfiction especially history and biology. I’m more an action adventure movie person, but there are a few movies that have romantic meanings for me. “Lake Placid” is the first movie that I saw with other friends that my future husband, Jon, was part of the group. The first movie just the two of us saw as friends was, “The Mummy” with Brendan Fraser. One reader on my FB page sited “The Mummy” as the kind of relationship they thought was hot and full of chemistry, no arguments from me. The movie, “The Mexican” with Brad Pitt and Julia Roberts was on every TV in every hotel the year we had our honeymoon and first toured together, so we watched it a lot, in pieces, but we still have affection for it, even though it is a disaster as far as romances go, and no way should the main characters have survived, let alone lived happily-ever-after. Jon and I share two favorite romcoms, “Nottinghill,” and “The Holiday”. (Both movies were mentioned in answers on FB, but not a lot.) Those two movies are on our short list of, I’ve had a hard day and I just want to smile for awhile. I’ll add, “Bell, Book, and Candle,” as one of my favs, but I think it’s not the romance angle, but that it’s the only movie I know that is about publishing, the holidays, writing research, magic, and has Jimmy Stewart, and Kim Novak in it. Do I think any of the movies we like are a good blueprint for real romance? No, they’re fiction. Real life is messier and far less logical. Fiction must hold together and make sense, real life doesn’t have to do any of that.

How did Jon and I meet? He’d loaned out a copy of Guilty Pleasures and the friend hadn’t returned it. He mentioned it at a bookstore where the clerk knew me, and mentioned that I was going to be at a local science fiction convention. He could get the new copy signed. (The clerk would eventually be the writer, Rhett MacPherson, and a member of my writing group, The Alternate Historians). Jon drove himself to the convention, and got me to sign my book. We also would talk for two hours in the hallway with the Green Room just feet away. We talked about literature, science fiction, horror, movies, science, history, philosophy, music, and found in each other minds quick enough and esoteric enough to keep up with each other. It set up a pattern of how we would interact for years to come. We never had trouble finding things to talk about. No, it wasn’t love at first sight. First, we know he was seventeen when we met, because he’d just gotten his driver’s license. I was twenty-nine, married, and one of his new favorite writers. I would learn years later that he had trouble talking to girls, but he never had trouble talking to me, because he didn’t see me as a “girl”. The age difference, my martial status, successful writer, all of it meant he didn’t see me as datable so he didn’t have to be nervous around me, which meant I got to see Jon at his best, and would spend years puzzling over why he wasn’t more successful at dating girls near his own age. I would give him dating advice, or assure him that yes, that girl did like him, for years. I was his friend, I wanted him to be happy. Neither of us saw the other as a potential date, let alone as a potential spouse. In fact, if you’d told either of us back then that eight years later we’d be dating, nine years later we’d be engaged to be married, we wouldn’t have believed you. That we’d be celebrating twelve years as a married couple – we would have laughed in your face. When we met I thought of Jon as this young kid, then my friend, but far too young to date. We were just friends for eight years, and even then it took us a long time to realize we were more. Most of our mutual friends figured it out before we did.
For those keeping track, I was married to my first husband for sixteen years of traditional monogamous marriage. It just didn’t work for me and I vowed never to marry again. Six months later, marrying Jon sounded like a good idea. How and why this change? Yes, love, lust, and that great friendship base, but honestly Deity intervention. I’m not really kidding, Jon and I can’t remember who proposed and who accepted, because we turned each other down multiple times. We both had issues with the age difference, and both had scars from previous relationships, and those pesky personal issues, so thank you, God and Goddess, for helping us work through it all to get to the happy place we are now. Plus therapy, because Deity helps us & then expects us to do our work to make it all work out.

Rereading the above I realized, though it doesn’t sound like a romantic comedy it might reinforce the ideal of finding that one true love if your life & everything magically works out perfectly. Yes, I talked about Jon & I doing individual therapy above, but I just want to be clear that isn’t the be all, end all of our story.

Jon & I just celebrated our third anniversary of dating our girlfriend, Genevieve. I am also seeing the other man in her life, Spike. We are polyamorous, which means to love more, & have been most of our marriage. So, for us it’s not about finding that one perfect love, but being open to the possibility of finding that special poly group to love, whether it be a threesome, a foursome, or a moresome.