Ten things I’ve learned from Two Marriages and a Decade of being Polyamorous

Mar 08, 2014

1 Do not date drama llamas. Do not date people that are prone to drama, just don’t. No one is that pretty, no sex is that good – no drama queens, or kings.

2 Remember that you aren’t perfect either. No one is perfect, don’t expect it, don’t look for it, because if you do, you are doomed to be continually disappointed.

3 Love means different things to different people. Do not assume that because your last girlfriend loved getting flowers, that your current girlfriend doesn’t see them as funeral flowers, and is trying to figure out a way to tell you, “Please, stop buying me dead plant matter.”

4 People have different hierarchies in love: I put great sex near the top of my list, if that’s not present, then I will not even date you, let alone get into a serious relationship, but I know a surprising number of women that put sex fourth, or lower on their “love list”. Some of the things they put higher on their list ; financial security (whatever that means to them), someone who wants to be the breadwinner, wanting children, good father. Not all men put sex at the top of their list either. I’ve run into several that put emotional security, companionship, good mother, wants to stay at home with kids, or doesn’t want to stay at home with kids, higher on their “love list’. Make sure the love of your life has the same priorities in this area, as you do, otherwise it will eventually destroy your happiness together.

5 No one wants to think they are wanted just for sex. I’ve found that even if the relationship begins with sex, even if the man and I negotiate that it’s going to be about hot, monkey sex, eventually he will feel bad if he doesn’t feel appreciated for other fine qualities. Even your friends with benefits, if it’s to continue as a relationship, needs to know that you like them, even if your friendship is mostly about the booty call. Make people feel appreciated, and make sure they know what you need to feel appreciated to.

6 Men are not mind readers – let me repeat that – men are not mind readers. That’s right my fellow women, the men that want to date you, are dating you, are in a relationship with you, married to you, cannot read your minds. So, it’s up to you to tell them what you want, how you want it; what makes you happy, what makes you sad; you must communicate with them. If any of you have ever said, “If you loved me, you’d known why I was mad at you.” You are setting your lover, boyfriend, husband, up to fail, or get so frustrated there’s going to be a serious fight. Talk to the man, or woman, in your life, ladies, please.

7 Men, most women need you to talk to them and tell them what you need, want, and what makes you happy, or sad. Yes men, I’m talking mostly to you, though any women who date women you get #6 and #7. The strong silent type is fine, but not if it leaves your girlfriend, lover, wife, in the dark as to your emotional wants and needs. We can’t make the shared relationship wonderful, if half the couple is a mystery that never talks to us about anything important.

8 Ladies, don’t push too hard on the communication if the man has never been taught, or encouraged to talk about his emotional needs and wants, it’s going to be weird and uncomfortable for him. The men need to try, but we need to encourage their efforts in this area, but not too hard, or too constantly. Baby steps if they’re one of those men that isn’t an emotional sharing sort of person. If you think 7 & 8 contradict each other, not really, it’s a dance between the two of you, to figure out what’s comfortable for both of you, and how much you both need from each other in this area.

9 If a woman asks a man, “What are you thinking?” and the man says, “Nothing.” Just believe him, men have this wonderful ability to actually still their minds and think nothing for minutes at a time. I know, as a woman, it’s hard to believe that everyone’s mind isn’t going a thousand miles a minute, but it’s true of most men, and even some women. If you insist they had to be thinking something, they will be pressed to make something up, or get angry that you didn’t believe the truth.

10 If you’re with a woman that changes her clothes a lot before going out, please, do not get angry about it. Do not grab a shirt, or shoes, and say, “This matches, let’s just go.” Or, “You look good enough, let’s go.” If your lady is the type to do this, then just budget enough time to let her try on a dozen outfits, before she’s ready to go out. You don’t have to understand why she does this, when you think she is beautiful in anything. Honestly, I’ll do it on occasion and it’s like a compulsion, even I don’t understand it. You will not break a woman from doing this, if she does it, so you can fight about it constantly, or just accept it, and deal.

36 thoughts on “Ten things I’ve learned from Two Marriages and a Decade of being Polyamorous”

  1. This is very true. My husband and I have been together 11 years and acceptance it’s definitely important.

  2. I really enjoyed reading that point of view concidering you are so happy in your relationships. I’ll take what you said if or when I chose to date again 🙂 thank you. You are an awesome writer and I sometimes take a mental picture or save it litterally when I see something you have posted on Facebook that is wise and helps me in certain ways. Thanks again:)

  3. I agree with everything, my hubby and I will be married for 13 years next month and we have an awesome marriage because we talk a lot about everything.

  6. I’d think I’d add that women need to talk straight to men, that you need to be straight up with them, not try to be circumspect, it would say everyone a lot of time energy and frustration.

  9. I actually asked my DH the other day if he really does think “nothing” at times. Because he will answer “nothing” sometimes when I ask “What are you thinking”.
    I said to him “You really think nothing?” and he said “it might be random thoughts that mean nothing or that yes literally he’s thinking about nothing”. I was blown away!
    I’ve never.. EVER.. been able to think NOTHING. Meditation is hard for me and I’ve been trying for years. I try envisioning a white blank board and try leaving it blank. Eventually the thoughts creep in.
    My mind is always chewing on something. Sometimes I’m acutely aware of it other times I’m not but I know “the girls downstairs” are working on something.

    I wonder what it’d be like to just have a calm empty mind for even a minute or two?

    Great points Laurell (if I may be so bold to call you that) I wish more people understood them. Thank you for sharing your life and thoughts with us!

    1. Jahna – regarding your meditation issues I had a thought. Have you tried instead of “clearing” your mind to instead concentrate on the ebb and flow of your energies mingling with the universe? This exercise will allow you to reach a meditative state and still keep your mind busy.

      1. Melissa L.
        Thank you! I will try that. Sometimes I h ave such a hard time turning off at night it drives me bananas. Thank you again! 🙂

  10. After 45 years I agree with most of your list but would add that nothing is an all the time, every time thing.
    Sex can be absolutely wonderful MOST of the time – but everyone has an off day.

    Your partner can be the most sympathetic, kind and caring person MOST of the time – but they’ll have days when they’re unhappy or grumpy.

    I think my point is that you both (all) have to be flexible and make room for small deviations from their normal behaviour occasionally and when it happens find out why it has happened.

  11. #1 I learned the hard way… my first poly experience. I walked out before it got too bad but it did teach me a good lesson. Make sure you sit down with both people and ask the other person if they are fine with you dating their partner. If you suspect that there is any chance it’s a NO, even if they say yes… get out then and there!

  12. This has simply convince me that I’m a man…. lol. Seriously though, I feel a lot this about women and I see things mostly from a guy’s point of view. I can sit for hours and think of nothing of import. I can just grab whatever matches, or doesn’t, and be dressed for the day. I can’t read minds of anyone and I hate it when people just expect me to know things.

    Sometimes I have a one track mind, for example if you start talking food and somehow try to tie it to sex, I will still be thinking of food twenty minutes later, the sex talk completely lost on me. I’m one of those women who don’t value sex. In fact, it’s pretty low on my list of must have’s. Top of my list, a man that let’s me be me and doesn’t try to control me. Second, he can cook. Third, he has a great sense of humor and we can connect on a mental level. Sex is like… number 10… lol. But then, I’ve only ever had two sex partners in my life. So, that could explain that.

    Anyway, very good words of wisdom for both men and women, respectively. 😀

    1. My keyboard sucks, by the way. Ignore the lack of words in certain spots… or letters missing. >.> *Silently judging my laptop*

  13. Communication becomes of the utmost importance when there is a major change that can/does effect the the sexual relationship between you and your lover/husband/boyfriend. It is also important to remember that the sex may not just be about sex. For some it is the only way that they can express their emotions to another person.

  14. I’ve been married for ten years and I agree with this whole list. For me, my hubby is my bff. But there are things I just don’t understand about sometimes. He does #10 to me all the time and I get so angry!

  15. I don’t know about number ten. I tried the budgeting more time for a while. The first time we were half an hour late. The next time I started half an hour earlier, we ended up being an hour late. I gave up trying after that 🙂

  17. Thanks for the reminder that we need to actually say something or do something to make our partners feel appreciated. Right now, I am in a FWB relationship, but I still want him to understand that I think he is thoughtful and wonderful.

  18. This is a very good advice, thank you!
    Your books mean very much to me. My mom passed away a year ago this March. I dont read much books, but in 2009 my mom gave me “Guilty pleasures” to read. After reading it, I was hooked. I think I read all 15 books at the time in 2 months. After my mother passed away, my father donated over 1000 books that she had. She read a book every 2 days. She loved paranormal Romance. Vampires is her favorite. I kept all of her LKH books. Every time I look at your books on the shelf, Oh how I miss reading that new Anita Blake book and talking about it with her when we finished it. She would just smile and talk about her favorite parts of the book. I must admit, the parts about sex did not interest her and she would skim past that, but when talking about Anita’s interactions with Ted, she would always got a kick out of Teds character. I think he is her favorite. But I will always cherish these books. They are the ONLY thing me and my mom had in common that we are both crazy about. My sisters didn’t care to share the experience, so it just makes it that much more precious to me. Your books helped us bond in a way that I will never forget. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart.

  19. I have the reverse problem with #9. Sitting in the passenger seat while my husband drives I often let my mind wander. Well he got it into his head to start asking me, “What are you thinking about?” Oftentimes it’s not something I really want to share so I tried to brush it off. Time and Time again he’d ask. So I finally told him EXACTLY what was just going through my mind. “I was thinking about the last dump I took. You know eating brown rice really makes it quite freyable. Like all that extra fiber forms into poofy tan colored clouds in the water. ” Oddly enough this has not discouraged him.

  20. This just goes to show I tend to think like a man on most parts. But I definitely agree about the flowers.

  21. Oh my word, #9! Oh my word! I am one of those rare women…

    I NEVER ask people what they are thinking during quiet moments. But people sure like to drop that one on me. And sometimes it really is nothing. Or it may have something to do with what only I am interested in or trying to work out, not what the person asking is interested in or can even help me with. I am an introvert. Many of my peers and loved ones are extroverts. I can sit quietly in a car, during a drive, no conversation. Many extroverts I know go mad at the idea of that. So I find this to be their way of starting a conversation with me. I don’t mind conversation, but don’t try and start it by invading my thoughts. Sometimes I’m not really sure how to begin. Just talk about what is on your mind. I’ll listen.

  22. I have to say I found all of these things to be true. I’m a lot like the man in the relationship in ways, in others I’m definitely the girl. I think my boyfriend both loves and hates that about me. I place sex pretty high on the list, and he has it placed pretty lowly. I think the only reason we’re still together is that I was patient enough to wait for him to come to the conclusion that there’s going to have to be some compromise there, and getting him to talk to me was literally like pulling teeth. 365 days later plus some change, and we’re finally on the same page. I’m not generally a patient person, especially not about sex, but sometimes one has to weigh what’s more important in the long run against what they want right now. I’ve been reading LKH since I stumbled across “A Kiss of Shadows,” in the library when I was eleven. Honestly, I was probably too young to start reading them then, but they were always thought provoking for me. LKH always has very good underlying lessons in her novels, and it’s one of the things I most love about them aside from the wonderful story lines and writing style. I guess you aren’t any different when it comes to relationship advice. 😉

  23. Howdy! Right-Brained Pansexual Polyamorous Extrovert in the BDSM community here, how’s that for a load of flags! Just wanted to say thanks for the post in specific and for being so open and communicative with your readers and fans in general. I’m an aspiring writer myself and really love not just your work but your platform as a writer. If you’re ever in Little Rock hit me up. 🙂
    Cheers
    Jobe

  24. Thank you for posting an accurate worldview, and a link I will be sharing with my adult kids. I don’t expect them to follow, or immediately read, your distilled, hard-won sagacity; however, when one or the other calls because “men are idiots” or “women are crazy” I’ll point them back to your words. In my mind, there is little better to shore up dad’s comments on life, love, and finding your own way, than producing for their review harmonious observations from another human on the planet who has managed to find happiness. 🙂

  25. Great point. I’d dispute one thing and that’s the language of gender: women do this/men do that. The world we’re discovering is NOT binary. More ice cream out there than chocolate and vanilla.

  27. I love how your books open up the poly issue. I wish more people were poly minded. Love isnt an emotion it is a commitment.

  28. Monogamous marriage, here. But still very taboo in the eyes of…well most people. I am 22, and hubby is 43 with three kids. Works for me.

    But, sex is not an end all, be all for us. I like it, yes I do, but I value any and all time I get with him. I love him, but I also LIKE him, and that is what’s most important for us. Best friends before we got together, we let true love flourish. He is the only one for me and I am the only one for him.

    Like I said. Works for me.

  29. As a poly person for the last 15 years, 10 of those in a triad, I agree with everything you wrote. The only thing I would add which was basically implied in your descriptions is honesty, honesty, honesty all the time honesty.

  31. Thank you LKH. This is amazing and the best advice ever! I have always been in awe of how freely you give to everybody. The books, your worlds you share with us through both Anita and Merry. Your life and learning.

    Thank you.

  32. I’ve returned to this blog posting a few times now and it is always helpful. Sex is really important to me so remembering #5 is key for me. Good list. Thanks.

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