The least wonderful time of the year
Christmas used to be my favorite holiday of the year, but that was awhile ago. I realized this year that I hate Christmas, the whole Christmas season, but unlike Dr. Seuss’ Grinch I don’t want to take the holiday away from everyone else, I just want free of it myself.
It’s Winter Solstice, the longest night of the year and the reason for all the celebrations near that astrological happening is that our ancestors were afraid that the sun might not return. They were an agricultural people that understood that without the heat of the sun, they were pretty much screwed, so they threw a party to invite the sun back, to wish him back to life and strength so that we could all live another year. It was the rebirth of the sun long before Christianity made it the birth of the son of God. I get throwing a great, big party to keep our spirits up. It’s like whistling in the dark when you hear that scary noise. We celebrate Winter Solstice because in the darkest, coldest part of the year we need to light a few candles against the dark, eat good food, drink strong spirits, visit with friends and family, play games, tell stories, and do all the things that make us feel positive and less afraid of the darkness. If that’s what the holiday was actually about, I could get behind that, even enjoy it, but that’s not what Solstice, Christmas, Yule, Hanukah – pick your holiday – has become.
The Winter Holiday season has become a billion dollar industry. It has become the time when a lot of businesses make the majority of their profit for the year and the only way they can do that is by us buying things from them. Now, there’s nothing wrong with that, I am a great fan of capitalism, being a capitalist myself, but the pressure to buy gifts, the perfect gift, and find that perfect gift year after year is a lot of pressure. The message that somehow if you don’t spend enough on your family, especially the children, that you’re bad parents. I love Santa Claus, but for those parents that can’t afford the big gifts, it is an ideal that leaves a lot of small children across the country disappointed on Christmas morning.
And let me just say now, I feel totally cheated by years of Hallmark and Folger’s Coffee commercials, because life is almost never like that, or at least my life wasn’t. These commercials, and others like them, are the romance novels of family life; they set unrealistic expectations that leave most of us feeling like there must be something wrong with us because we aren’t that warm, that loving, that perfect.
Real life is never perfect. It’s not supposed to be. So let me strike a blow for all of us that are struggling this Christmas morning with reality versus what we wanted the day to be. It’s okay that your dinner wasn’t perfect. It’s perfectly human to burn at least one dish, or have that turkey a little dry, or whatever went wrong with the big meal. Take a deep breath, let it out slow, and tell anyone that complains that next year they get to cook the dinner.
Did you not find the perfect present for everyone on your list? Me either. It’s okay, your friends and family love you anyway, and anyone who doesn’t love you because their gift didn’t meet their standards, why do you care? If they only love you for what you buy them, I’m not sure that’s love. Love really doesn’t have a price tag. Do the best you can, and then enjoy the day with your family. It’s about the people, not the things, try to remember that.
Now, if part of the problem is the family, that’s harder. If your family is not a positive in your life, then you do not have to spend the holidays with them. There, I’ve said it, if your family is toxic to you and spends most of the time criticizing and cutting you down, then you don’t have to stay and keep listening to it. If your family is so awful to you, or each other, that the idea of spending it alone sounds better, then do that. There really are those of us who have had points in our lives where spending the holidays alone was less stressful, or even less frightening, than spending it with our birth families. If you are in that place in your life, honor it. It is a privilege for your family to see you, not a right. Privileges have to be earned by good, loving behavior. Please remember, that if you only visit them when they are loving and good to be around, but they’ve never, ever been that, you may never see your family again. Are you okay with this? If so, then rock on, and enjoy your solo and less stress-filled holiday. If you are not okay with it, then ignore all this advice, good luck, and God speed.
This is supposed to be a holy day, regardless of what exactly that holiness means to you, it is still supposed to be a celebration of joy, light, love, and hope. Instead its become an emotional meat grinder for a lot of us. I want to like this holiday again. I want to feel hopeful that life can be like those tear-jerkingly happy commercials for more than a moment at a time. I want to feel a connection to community, family, and faith that’s in all the TV specials, but that seems scarce in real life. I want to really believe this is the most wonderful time of the year instead of the most stressful. I’m not sure how to get back to the wonderful and out of the stressful, but I am going to try. Here’s to next year, hoping it will be better, happier, healthier, less dramatic, less traumatic, safer, gentler, more happy excited than adrenalin pumping excited, productive, loving, hopeful, helpful, and just all together better. Blessed Solstice! Merry Christmas! Happy Hanukah! Merry Yule! Damn it!
56 thoughts on “The least wonderful time of the year”
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Merry Christmas!!!
I really liked reading this post you said a lot of things that a bunch of us feel. Christmas isn’t the same any more and I find my self just hoping for it to speed on by. It has become way too commercialized and the stress of trying to find the “perfect” gift takes all the joy out of it.
My husband and I have not bought Christmas gifts for each other for years. If we want or need something and can afford it then we get it. If not we wait until we can. At least this way we only buy for the kids and it makes it easier.
My Hallmark Christmases ended when I was 6. My name makes everyone think this is my season. No, no it’s not.
For me, this season is one of centering and grounding. I can’t stand the feigned friendships or the insanity over the right gift.
Thank you for expressing your feeling on this time of year.
Holly
Thank you! I spent way too much time trying to apologize to both my husband and my boyfriend last night about how the ham wasn’t quite perfect and how I didn’t get any cookies baked instead of just realizing how much we all enjoyed just being together with an awesome meal to gorge on. The best Yule present was just getting to spend time with them and all our furkids. Thank you for voicing what so many need to hear about this holiday time.
Just relax and enjoy the day doing what you love most?
My hubby, boys and I don’t celebrate the holiday traditionally. We hate the commercialism and choose to show our love and appreciation for each other throughout the year instead of on one day filled with pressure and expectations. Instead we eat yummy foods and binge on movies we love. I second your hopes for next year and wish you and yours every desire in your hearts.
A toast to yor family of choice!
Thank you Laurell. I’ve felt this way for a long time. Struggling financially and then hearing coworkers talk of all the big expensive gifts their kids are getting. I’m thankful to be getting mine some much needed clothes, not a new entertainment system. Again, thank you, for putting into words what I’ve felt for years. I really do wish you a lovely, peaceful holiday. ~Michelle
Merry Christmas! I try to figure out one thing that I want to do, and make sure it gets done. It’s the one or two things that you love to do, or a memory that you can recreate or share with a loved one that makes the holiday spirit come back. Whether it’s an image of your dad doing ballet to the sugar plum fairy (or trying to), or a favorite famliy cookie or recipe that you can make and share with others. My nephew just text me and shared with me the memories of a cookie (krumkake) that I would make christmas eve for the family get together. Made me smile and remember those special times, and that is what it is all about. Hope you can find the little things to enjoy.
I completely agree with everything you just said. I personally can’t wait for this holiday season to be over.
Well said.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. The holidays turn into alot of work and stress. I started a new tradition 5 years back. I cook on Thanksgiving and Christmas but I pick a new recipe to try so that its an adventure instead of a chore. Last year was a home run with fried green tomatoes this year we struck out with a lamb roast. We all laughed at it but it was still an adventure.
Wow! ots like you’re in my head! I was just discussing almost the same, to the letter, with my husband. I’d much rather be home snuggling with my hubby and watching our 6 kids enjoy their gifts. Nope, we are on the road to the first of three stops today. No relaxing holiday enjoyment here. Sigh….
I agree with what you wrote. I decided to have Christmas at my house when my boys were small. Ir made it less stressful for me and less traumatic for my boys. They didn’t have to leave their toys and I didn’t have to load them into the car to see one set of grandparents then the other. I didn’t care if they went to my or my husband’s siblings, we would see them the next day. You have to find what works for you and I’m grateful I did years ago. My you all find what is best for you and your family. Merry Christmas ?
Laurel, I love the sweater. I’ve got to find one like it.
Thank You.
This is so much like how I feel about this holiday. This year was exceptionally hard for me, and I didn’t want to do any of the holiday things. My son is with his dad, so no frenzy of unwrapping, and then watching movies before a tasty meal.. Instead I’m sitting on facebook etc, alone. I wanted that fantastical christmas from movies and tv all of my life, and it never happened. This is always my worst time of year, but I am trying and that’s all I can do. Thank you for sharing this with us.
So very true! My significant other and I decided that next year no one will get gifts except for our first grandchild who is due to arrive come May.
Just Thank You!
For my family (myself, hubby, and son) it’s about spending time together.
Since we are a “gamer” family, that means playing video games together beating up bad guys. Stressful situations are not invited into the home, and we just enjoy our time together.
Once we stopped focusing on where we have to go, being afraid we offend someone by not coming over or spending not enough time with them, our holidays became enjoyable again.
am with you, Christmas never turns out the way everyone thinks it should. I would like to skip it. Have a happy day to you and yours
I find it ironic that the main guy in my life just adores the whole Christmas season so much that I call him father Christmas whereas I find it a time of broken dreams and too much bother. I think that this year spending the holiday alone with my cats may be my favorite one in several years. I love my brother but just don’t see any reason to make a big meal for just 2 people. We were together at Thanksgiving. I don’t mind being called a party pooper I am enjoying a quiet weekend at home.
Thank you for putting into words what I have been feeling for many years. I always feel very inadequate during the “Holiday Season”, but these are feelings I project onto myself. I am a retired RN. When I was working, I always volunteered to work Christmas night. Giving back to those who were in need went a long way in healing me.
Joyous Yule. Hail Sunna who is here in all Her glory. Lol. I have to say I got the best present ever this year. None of your fancy holy day gifts hold a candle to the coloring book and colored pencils, my mom got me. Lol
I stopped all the Christmas craziness years ago. You get to that point where you realize life is to short to be miserable. Make the season / day what makes you and your kids happy. Don’t put up with the drama and nonsense. In about an hour or so my very small immediate family will be meeting up for our yearly tradition of Chinese Buffet for dinner. We can each eat whatever we want and none of us has to cook and clean.
Yeah I just could not get into it this year either.
Hear, hear. Very well said!!! Those are my sentiments exactly. I’m just glad I’m not the only one who feels this way.
I have always hated this time of year since my kids have been born. It has become all about how much someone spends on each person. Every year its the same thing of posting to facebook to try to out do each other. I have very little money to spend on food let alone presents. Yet I have saw person after person posting how they bought their 5 year old an iphone 6. or the new playstation, or a 1000 rifle. and my 11 year old was scrolling thru her facebook and was in tears because of see what her friends got. She has begged for years for a phone and i can not even afford a tracphone for her. I know people are proud of what they can do for their kids but so am I and getting her some clothes is the best i can do so I am proud of that!
Your comment resonated with me…. I love Christmas, actually, and we celebrate it in a way that is good for me. However, my children have cried/gotten mad when they find out what their friends received, because I don’t believe in buying HUGE/WAY TOO MANY presents every year. What burns me up is that they were completely happy with what they received until they hear from their friends 🙁
Blessed Solstice! Merry Christmas! Happy Hanukah! Merry Yule! To you, as well!
Happy holidays no matter what you call it. This year my gift to myself was a move to live with my sweetheart of a fiancé. It is just the two of us and his mom here at home but we’ve been having a great time just spending a quiet day at home started with a little target practice out on the property. Now we’re resting after a late night spent hanging out and chatting. Gonna put in a movie and cuddle up for a nap before we make our dinner and watch more movies for the night. Hope that everyone finds the peace they need on this long, over-commercialized holiday season and may your new year be better than the last. Namasté.
This entire year has been hard. I lost my girlfriend of 4 years in January, so alot of firsts for me this year. It’s my youngest daughters last holiday at home before college. She went to her boyfriends house after our morning…and it was sooooo quiet.
I used to love Yule/Christmas, I had so much fun with it! My daughter understands it isn’t how many or how expensive your gifts are, it’s how heartfelt that matters.
I’m hoping next year I find my holiday spirit again. I miss the entire house being decorated, I miss making wassail.
I hope you and all of yours have a blessed and happy Yule/Christmas!
I just read my husband the portion of your blog about the Hallmark and Folgers commercials. He made the very astute observation that in commercials this time of year the people are almost all young, attractive and affluent. And in very large (not all, but a vast percentage) they are White. Especially in today’s economy that lets out the vast majority of the population. That is yet another thing we cannot live up to in the “family romance” of the commercial world.
For my own observations, I have pretty much lost all enthusiasm for Christmas. That would be secular Christmas, because I am Pagan. Yule I still love. Yule to me means going to our Festival Grounds with as much of our chosen family as can make it. We have a huge pitch-in feast, a huge bonfire, and a visit from the Hogfather who passes out candy canes to everyone. And we just visit with each other while huddling as close to the fire as possible to stay warm. When it gets too cold for each individual to stand it any longer they say their goodbyes and head home. The diehards who can stand the cold hold the all night vigil to welcome the sun back and monitor the bonfire until it burns down.
As far as presents go, that really depresses me. I was hit by not one but two drunk drivers in two years and had my health destroyed. I am now permanently disabled and on Social Security Disability. My husband had an aortic aneurysm repair completely botched by his doctors (before we married) who then tried to bully his father into taking him off of life support. He is also permanently disabled and on SSD. We have a SEVERELY limited income. When I was working I bought gifts – for my siblings, nieces and nephews, mother, friends, etc – for the joy of it. Now I am no longer able to do that. These days gifts are only for my husband and I and our fids (fur kids), and our budget is minuscule. We both have things we would dearly love to have, but there is no hope of being able to afford them. The vast, yawning emptiness under the tree is depressing as hell. I would be fine with skipping this holiday altogether. It would alleviate a lot of my depression this time of year.
This Christmas has been very bittersweet as I lost my mother in the early morning of the 23rd. Now I must go on as if all is well because I am raising my (almost) 4 year old granddaughter. For her I shall make merry, as much as possible, and do what must be done. On top of that, my family are arguing over the details of how we will deal with my wonderful and passive mom’s last wishes.
Hope everyone else has had a much better holiday season.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Please accept my wishes for peace and quiet healing. Bright blessings!
Happy Yule as well to you, Ms. Hamilton. I hope that you, your husband and family have a very happy New Year in 2016.
Very well said. We stopped “doing the holidays” with extended family years ago. Life is too short to spend time with people who don’t contribute to your happiness. As a result there were 3 of us for dinner this year (as there have been for many years) – myself, my husband and our daughter. We would have been thrilled to have our son join us too but he had to go to his dad’s…again. We eat what WE like, spend the entire day in our pajamas and don’t fret if something goes awry, who cares….we’re not trying to impress anyone! Much love and happiness to you in the new year!
You need to come celebrate it in Norway. As my friend from New York said” your jul/xmas is so real”. We call it jul, it is not a Christian name and it is for everybody. We do it on the 24th, we gifts in the evening. The food is pretty much the most important thing and if you give home made gifts they are more treasured.
It is a thing of light for us, it is the turning of the sun. We have dark winters, so we compensate. Here Jul is all about family, food and coziness or what we call kos. Our xmas tradition is to invite someone that has no family close by and would be left alone on Christmas. We have gotten new family members this was, and it has enriched our life greatly.
So very well said, Laurell. As an adult, Christmas has never been that perfect Curier and Ives celebration (somewhat due to my husband’s attitude), and I had always thought there was something wrong with me for not feeling the joy despite that. I believe in Christmas, and the reason we celebrate, but the hype and commercialism is just too much.
You hit the nail right on the head. I spent the day with my son and his family and more of the relatives in the afternoon. I just was totally floored by the amount of “stuff” that everyone got. My feelings on the day are pretty much like the saying on your shirt except for realizing what the day is supposed to represent.
Happy holidays to you and yours.
I lost that holiday feeling a long time ago. In a sense, it’s sad, but like you said, rock it and move on. My husband and I spent a small amount on a few gifts, went out to breakfast and went to the movies this afternoon. The time spent together meant more than any of the gifts. Thank you for your honesty, it is appreciated.
I met you about 10 years ago at one of your book signings in Madison, WI. I was really devastated because in my nervousness about meeting you, I said the wrong thing and I felt stupid. Imagine meeting your favorite author and commenting on one of her characters, of who you love by the way, in a way that made it seem like I hated them…. It was mortifying and you looked at me kinda strange and i wanted to cry….
So after that I cherished that book until my niece colored all over it one day and tore it apart. I was even more devastated.Until my best friend got me another signed copy of one of your books for xmas 2 years ago! I cried like a baby. I don’t know about xmas but I know that year I was definitely one happy girl. Hopefully there are others out there making memories like that instead of just being materialistic.
Thanks and happy holidays!
Jenny
Thank you for being so nice to us this holiday with the 12 days of christmas . I hope you find what you are yearning for
I might feel differently because I don’t have kids, but I have learned to make the holidays what I want them to be. When my family of birth was damaging to me, I stopped spending holidays with them. That was 11 years ago and I haven’t looked back. Now I am surrounded by my family of choice. I open my house up for a Christmas potluck and people can come in anytime. Some spend it with their families and then come by, others because they have no where else to go. I don’t have to cook a huge meal, just the turkey and/or ham, and my partner does most of the cleaning up. This year, we had 12 people for dinner and another 4 who dropped in afterwards. My partner and I only exchanged gifts with one another, and we made personalized gifts that cost less than $20. To make this year even better, the wonderful woman that we are dating came by after having dinner with her husband and girlfriend!
I think changing how we feel about the holiday starts with us and our family…it is the expectations we set for ourselves and that our loved ones place on us. As people we’ve lost our connection with being thankful…for the things that others do for us (i.e. Spend time cooking us dinner, or get us a gift as a token of affection)…and expressing our love for each other within our own families…too much selfishness.
I agree with you, Mayda. Christmas is not stressful for us because we have never put an emphasis on gift giving. We celebrate Christmas in its true meaning, and then on Christmas Day, we have a very leisurely, lovely day spent lounging around in our pajamas, watching movies, cooking and feasting on simple dishes that are easy to prepare and special to us. Sometimes we have guests, other times not. The time is strictly a low-key family and friends time with the emphasis on being grateful for each other.
Thanks for speaking a truth I am on board with.
May you live long and prosper ( as my favorite Vulcan would say)
Make the holiday what you enjoy. I like to make a handmade present for someone in my family each year but who gets it changes each year. i take time to decorate and cook but was happy my daughter was doing some of it this year. Our Christmas expanded over a couple of days to take into account where others had to be but that was llovely. Happy Holidays of whatever sort toeveryone and don’t let commercialism destroy it for you. Family and friends and love are the important components of this holiday.
There is no such thing as the perfect gift. What most people like is the gift that reminded you of them. That tv show they used to like, the dish that would look wonderful in their kitchen. What my family likes most is the one thing they get from me every year. And that is the fudge boxes I make with homemade fudge, crackles, slices and marshmallows. It’s the one thing they all want each Christmas, and you should hear the screams if I say I may not make them this year.
The holiday season is very different for me these days. I’m a recovering heroin addict. I was lost for about ten years, wandering in a haze. I’ve been clean now for two and a half and I’m slowly rebuilding my life. My oldest child is 23 and is currently living with my dad and step mom while he’s attending college. My younger is 14 and lives out of state with her father, step mom and baby sister. I live with my partner. He’s my Nathaniel and Micah all rolled in to one. He manages the domestic part of my life and is terrifyingly accommodating. I’m moody, critical, oh so take charge and he handles it all with a smile. We had a very gypsy Christmas, travelling to various relatives houses and an early brunch at his boss’s (also my previous employer) home. We didn’t have much in the way of presents, either giving or receiving, because financial security takes the longest to rebuild. What we did have was love and a sense of belonging again. I’m not a Christian and I’m way past the age of believing in Santa, so much of the religious parts of the day were not for me. I’m just grateful that I’m alive and able to be here to help others celebrate. I have an apartment, a job, cash in my wallet, too many books to fit on my bookshelf and family that WANTS to spend quality time with me. My 14 year old daughter is fitting in on Sunday for a week. I’ve gotten her a few small gifts, but she says all she wants is her Mom for that week. So my real goal this holiday season is to just be present in my life and enjoy being in my own skin again. To make every moment have purpose, even if it’s just sitting on the coach with my little (not so little anymore!) snuggle bug.
On a side note, Laurell, you’ve been an unwitting part of my recovery. I met you years ago at a convention (Archon I think) and I’ve always devoured your books. I was away on and off (jail and prison) but always managed to find a few of your titles. Or had someone send them to me. They were a familiar piece of home to help carry me through the darkest of times.
Wishing you and yours happy times, filled with laughter and love.
I used to not likke Christmas either, so my husband I get 2 gifts for each child and then spend the rest of the day watching favorite old movies, some new movies & playing board games, that way the majority of the day is centered around the family, not the gifts. Maybe you & your family might try to do more family things and that will help you enjoy the day, since your such a big family person. pot luck, wine tasting, a bake off, learn to make someone’s favorite family dish, etc. I hope this helps .
Have a blessed day and happy winter solstice.
I’m right there with you! I’m so sick of all the commercialism, and people saying but me this, buy me that.
Thanks for expressing these thoughts!
Christmas eve we spent at home, reading books, playing online games and basically ignored the rest of the world.
First christmas day we went to his parents, had family dinner and enjoyed a bit of peace and love. We dodged my family tree completely and were never happier.
Second christmas day we went to Burger King and then watched Star Wars at the cinema. I would have loved going to a fancy restaurant, but that’s out of the budget. One can make a trip to a fast food chain as exciting and cheesy as a 5* restaurant, because that’s how we roll. Me with extra tomatoes and mustard, him with extra bacon. No regrets.
I didn’t care about the movie at all, but the opportunity to spend time with my fiancé OUTSIDE the house (he’s a very shy, sociophobic autist) is still making me happy. So even tho it’s not my kind of movies, we had a lot of fun for separate reasons.
A lot of people consider our way of celebrating christmas a crime, I consider it a blessing. Have a happy new year!
Thanks for the most honest and frankly refreshing words spoken about this time of year. Mostly I just read on my rough days, and work on the never ending and never boring process of training my service dog. He gets tired of my reading, but he’s only 2 & 1/2. So he always wants to play/work. For he is what gives me the motivation to get up every day. Even when I have a rough day, he’s the bright spot. Thanks for all of the books you write.
I totally understand! I wasn’t with my family this Christmas and it was hard but I was kinda glad I wasn’t there this year. My grandmother died in January and this was the first Christmas without here. While the entire family felt the loss of her, they apparently decided to get wrapped up in their own BS and forget that we are a family and love each other. Stupid things said without paying attention to the other persons position and feeling. I would love it if Christmas was more more Norman Rockwell than Charles Manson but while friends are the family we choose, the family we are born into isn’t. So I try to pick up the happy and soldier on lol. Thanks for your perspective on this holiday-I get it!
I have three autistic sons who are not into the same things as their peers. They don’t want the latest toys or gadgets, they like what they like and that’s all. They don’t get upset when they go back to school and their friends have hundreds of pounds worth of ‘stuff’. They are just as excited with a new pair of pyjamas or a top as they are a toy. We have a quiet day at home just the five of us and their favourite part is playing games all afternoon as a family. We fit the rest of the family in during the rest of the holiday, but christmas day is just for us. My boys need quiet, routine and familiar surroundings and I’m not going to change that just to please family who don’t understand and just think we’re letting them have their own way. I put my boys first and we don’t feel we’re missing out because we don’t cook all day to feed people we don’t see that often and who only see my kids a couple of times a year. They would rather have your time and affection every other week than a present once a year from someone they don’t remember.
I too hate Christmas. It is just an excuse for buying things. I don’t give gifts (or get them, for that matter). If you don’t love me for me, then I am sorry for your shallow materialistic life. I don’t cook a big meal, and I sure don’t want to get together with my family (except my husband). It is usually a depressing day where nothing is open. I do believe in God and Jesus personally and I don’t know if it is weird that I have read all your Anita Blake books and love them. The necromancer second to last book where they had the flesh eating zombies everywhere kind of freaked me out, but over all I love your books. I am guessing you are in a Polygamous relationship and if it works for you, you are a lucky person. It seems that in those relationships two people pair up sexually the most and others are left out, but if you can make it work I imagine it would be nice. Anyway, I have opened my closet a little too much so I will stop here. Please let me know when the next Anita Blake novel comes out as I am ready (no pressure though as I used to work for a Publishing Company for 6 years and I know how things get delayed). It is damn hard to write a series this long and have people still follow you, so kudos to you!