This is why I write
I stepped into my office today with dawn like a knife slash in the east, the light seeped through like pale orange and yellow blood. The crescent moon hung shining silver in the black branches of the tallest tree, as if night and day hung poised, so that it was both at the same time. It was both beautiful and terrible, somehow. I’ve thought that the last few mornings that I’ve seen my office this early. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about why I write this blog. Initially, it was to grow my audience, my brand, to sell more books; but I think most of what I gained in those areas has happened already. The blog probably did most of its original purpose years ago when I was trying to do one daily for a year. So, why do I write this blog? What’s it for? Honestly, I’m no longer certain, but I know one thing that hurts me as a writer in every area, and that is not writing about things. The more secrets I have to keep, the more editing of my life I do, the harder it is to write the blog (which makes a certain sense) but also makes it more difficult to write anything.
My personal life is very separate from my fiction and yet there is some mystical connection that, even after all this time, I don’t understand but I know that it is there, and I know when I do not honor that connection my ability to write suffers. So what haven’t I been saying publicly that’s clogging up the creative pipeline?
Jonathon’s mother, Mary, had cancer this year. She’s gotten a clean bill of health now, but it took chemo to get her there. If you’ve ever seen anyone go through chemo, you know it will take time to heal the effects of the cure. I got her permission to talk about her illness a while back, but it somehow seemed too personal to her to put it here, but if she’s okay with me talking about it, then why has it been something I didn’t want to talk about?
Jonathon buried his Aunt Sweetie just before Thanksgiving, so about two weeks ago. She helped raise him, and when he talks about her it’s more like a second mother than an aunt. She lost her battle with cancer after over twenty years and several remissions. The family is devastated and still reeling as they deal with it. I will miss her, but I don’t have the decades of connection to her that they do. She was not my sister, or my childhood hero, so my loss is seen through the patina of theirs, and my major worry is for those left behind and how they are dealing with it. Aunt Sweetie was ready to go, and her faith gave her peace, so there should be no tears, and yet there are.
Today we will be going to another funeral for a friend’s father, who died suddenly, but his health had been poor for most of the time I’d known the family, so it seems both sudden and inevitable. Our friend is forty, which seems young for burying your father.
The attacks in Paris, the attacks in California, people killed, and for what? To terrify people? To terrify the world? Because that’s what terrorism is, it is literally an attempt to frighten us all, to make us insecure and unsure of our safety. It is a war that kills a few people at a time in the hopes of demoralizing the rest of us. Don’t let them win. Live your lives, be happy, and keep moving, because to do anything else gives them a victory. They haven’t won anything, don’t act as if they have. I’ll admit it’s unnerving, but be hopeful, keep faith that good triumphs in the end. Dark times come, but they do not stay, history teaches us that.
There have been a lot of tragedies this year, both personally and in the larger world. There’s more, there’s always more, but somehow the theme of death and loss seems a thread this year that I can’t shake. But Jonathon’s mother is going to be alright, and that is a miracle of modern medicine. There is good among the bad, wins and not just losses, but sometimes it’s hard to concentrate on the positive when so much negative keeps happening. I know I’m not the only one feeling a bit overwhelmed right now.
Why do I write this blog? Why do I write at all? In part, it’s to reach out to other people and say, “It’s going to be all right.” It’s a way of saying, none of us are alone. We’re in this together. I write fiction to help me make sense of the world and to share a good story, so that as you read my books you can forget the news headlines for a few hours. You can get lost in a good book, where the heroes usually triumph, the villains are punished, and the world is saved. Yes, fiction should make you think, but it should be first and foremost an escape from the mundane world. It should let you slip into a world more fantastic, and more openly magical than our own. That’s why I write my stories and novels. The blog is part explaining how I make that magic happen, and a glimpse into my own reality, so that the magic and the reality of my world brushes up against your own.
I am a storyteller. It is an ancient art. We used to sit in caves, huddled around the fire, listening to noises in the dark, afraid of what they might be, and someone would say, “Let me tell you a story,” and everyone would gather closer to the fire where they felt warm and safe, and they would forget the noises in the dark, listening to adventures. Now, I sit in my office and write words on a screen, that I’ll share with you soon. I’ll finish writing the blog, and continue to work on the latest novel, because you need a good story, and I need to be able to say, “Come, sit by the fire where you’ll be safe and warm, and let me share an adventure with you.”
45 thoughts on “This is why I write”
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This was a beautiful statement, thank you for sharing. This year has been extremely hard, a lot of moms were lost in my world, including my own. I am one of many who almost “have” to read to stay sane. I need that getaway, that hideaway. It’s necessary for me. So, I thank you for providing that bit of magic to keep me happy and healthy, and feeling safe.
I am so sorry for the loss that your family has suffered. Some times it seems like we just can’t get away from the bad to be able to find the good. I lost my sister in March to this horrible disease. Thank you for writing this blog. I love your writing and this is another part of you that you share with your fans. I hope you and your family has a wonderful Christmas and that you have the time you need to grieve and heal.
I love reading your books and your blog. To Jon I am sorry for your loss. It is always devastating to lose someone so dear who had a positive effect on your life. I still miss my mom and gramma who died in a house fire 15 years ago. They taught me everything I know. And were the corner stone to my small family. Hugs to you both from Colorado.
Thank you. I understand not wanting to share something with starngers. It is personal. You were not ready. If and when you are ready then you have people who are here. I have grandmother who beat cancer I was for her through the chemo, then I have grandmother who did not make it. Just know there are people who can help lift you up when and if you need you it. I do you read your stories to get out of reality for a while. Cause it helps me. I can’t thank you enough for writing them.
Thank you x
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and wonderful stories. I read my first Anita Blake book when I was a very young teenager and my life was horrible to say the least. Anita’s world gave me a place to escape when the outside world was unsafe. Thank you for giving me a place to hide when I needed it. 🙂
I am one of thosepeople who, if they have not read at some time during the day, feels like they have forgotton to breathe. Thank you for giving generously of your talent and your creativity so that I can take time out and breathe. Merry Christmas to you all.
This blog hit real close to home. My aunt and uncle on my mom’s side both recently had massive heart attacks. They are in their 40’s-50’s, both in great health, this scares me to death. One of my good friends committed suicide and my husband, bless is heart, has had multiple surgeries this year which has been emotionally, financially and physically difficult.
But, I can look back to a year ago when I mangled my truck in a winter related accident and was lucky enough to walk away with a few aches and pains. I guess this time of year, it’s time to count our blessings but this year it seems like evil is laughing in my face.
I’m alive though, and I’m in good health. I have a home, a job, and a crazy family that I love unconditionally. Seems like we can always dwell on the negative things but there is so much good in our lives too.
Thank you for sharing.
I am so very glad you write! I am in need of that story teller of late more then usual and I truly thank you . Blessed Be to You and Your’s Laurell.
I worked in counterterrorism for years until a disability took me out of the DC arena – but I still read and write and research it because voices of reason and experience are needed, and *I* need to.
Your books have long been an escape from my day job – and your blog glimpses into your life and thoughts make those ‘story times’ with you even richer. Thank you.
Death has left it’s mark this year in my family as well. My partner, Kristen lost both her grandmother and grandfather within 6 days of each other in October. Similar to Jonathon, her grandparents raised her and she was so close to each of them. A friend buries her mother this Saturday after burying her father when she was a small child thus leaving her parentless before she turns 30. I grieve for them and with them. And your blog, for whatever reason you write it, always reminds me that I am not alone, others have similar experiences as me and that reality can be heartbreaking sometimes but stories even the non fiction ones can help heal. Thank you for sharing your fictional and real life characters and stories with us.
Thank you. It is writers and storytellers like you that keeps me sane (at least half the time) and helps me to escape and “breathe” especially on days like today where I found myself thinking several times “oh lord, please let this day pass so that I can get home and read”.
Yes. Your and other authors’s books, the stories you tell, gives me hope. Make me believe. Dream. Thank you.
This is why we love you so much! You share, yourself and your stories and it makes our lives feel a little less lonely and a little more whole! Thank you Laurell! For being there for me in one of the darkest, most life changing times in my lfie and for still being here during the absolute happiest! I love our “family” because that’s what you & your stories feel like to me….like coming home!
Sending lots of love, positive & healing vibes & just all around goodness to you and you’re entire family!
My mom has and is still fighting cancer. Hers is slow growing, but devastating. She decided, after having 10% of her liver removed last year, that she’s done fighting it.
I’m heartbroken, but I understand. Chemo doesn’t work against her cancer, so it would require more surgery and she refuses.
My heart goes out to Jon.
I read your books to keep sane. I have debilitating health issues that include chronic and severe pain. Your books offer me an escape from that for awhile.
Merry Gentry is my favorite 🙂
Please, keep writing. I like Anita as well, always had a soft spot for bad-ass women!
I am so sorry for your family’s recent losses. It is so hard to watch loved ones fight serious illnesses, especially when the cure is almost as hard on the body as the disease itself. Several types of cancer seem to run in my family. I was lucky to have had mine caught several times at the pre-cancer stage. At one point we had 5 living generations, but within about a decade I lost almost all of my grandparents to cancer.
I’m another fan who is thankful for the chance to escape into your world. I have a chronic pain condition severe enough I have been unable to work my one hour a day job since spring. My medical leave has recently been extended through the end of March. Your personal stories and the books you write give me a place to turn to on my bad days. Thank you.
Thank you. There are no words (I have) that express how thankful I am to have found you through your stories.
One thing that passed through me like a bullet reading your blog post Laurell was that you felt your grief was less warranted than your husband’s family’s grief.
When I was 18 I lost my grandmother through a dimentia related illness. When I was 26 we lost my (now ex-) husband’s grandmother through a dimentia related illness. I loved that lady deeply, she had become my grandma too. I had earned the right to mourn her. You have earned the right to mourn the people you are mourning. Please let yourself feel what you need to feel without self-editing. Trust in my hard-earned wisdom that if you don’t you will regret it.
Which brings me to your points about cancer. I had breast cancer about 1.5 years after we lost that second grandma. For various reasons it was a simple thing to manage as an illness and a terrifying thing to experience all at the same time. I felt and still feel unsupported by my husband. In retrospect He probably feels the same. Cancer is more divisive than the most dysfunctional family event, and goes for longer. And years after, the survivors (both the initial sufferer and their shell-shocked family and friends) are still subject to horrible moments of memory about the past and dread for the future.
Again, you just have to feel it without evaluating your “worthy-ness” to feel anything about something you experienced from a supporter/cater position against the person who suffered.
I love your books. I see the woman who writes Anita, who writes Merry. I resonate with that woman: in charge of her destiny, loving her life, quietly terrified that she is not worthy of all the love she receives. I know I am intellectually. Emotionally I worry that I’ll never be sure. Logically I tell myself I’m being silly. You get the vicious circle…
This is why I DON’T write. Everything is too personal. There is way too much material to sort through and a lot of it hurts like a wicked bitch when you poke it.
This is why I READ. I process my stuff through reading yours. I do keyhole surgery on resolving my pain through the protective covering of your story arc. I love that your characters go to therapy. It gave me the courage to go myself.
Keep it up. Let us see the real dark – not the vampires, shapeshifters and were-people, let us see the real human dark. Let us see the simple illness undo your characters. Let us see the lack of self-esteem destroy a hero like we are destroyed. Show us a way back from that.
That is why I read your books. Thanks.
Thank you for sharing! It has seemed like a horrible year for those dealing with death or serious illnesses in their families. My family included. I wish hope and faith to all those out there who need it. I am one that sits down and enjoys escaping for a while with a book. Wishing everyone happy holidays whatever that may be!
Namaste and thank you on many levels.
Thank you for the next story, thank you for the first story, and thank you for all of the ones in between. I read compulsively and I have a small list of authors that I read and reread. You and Diana Gabaldon are tied at the top of that list. My sister is on chemo , and is so far winning her battle. My mom’s still with us, thank goodness, but both grandmas have passed. I empathize with the grief and stress you and your family must be feeling. I sincerely believe that those who have passed are in a better state, and have become guiding lights in your life.
Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.
-from headstone in Ireland
You are an amazing person with an amazing support system. I have seen the effects of cancer. I helped take care of a couple of family members who had it, I’ve seen the effects of chemo and been there when it was their time to pass. I’ve also helped a friend who was an amputee, and been there with him when things was going good and when things were not. I did all this while dealing with my own health problems and takeing care of my family.
You and your family are very strong. I can understand why you need to write. When I was helping everyone and had down time so to speak, I would read.
THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today is a really hard day for me. My best friend, my adopted bubbie, from college, is lying in a hospital bed dying from that evil bitch cancer. Sent him an I love you text this morning and five minutes later I got THE CALL that he’s not expected to last the day.
He ended up in ICU Monday morning with issues. Then he was doing better and got transferred to a real room and was updating Facebook and texting me. Now all of a sudden he’s gone. WTH????
Then I read your blog that tells me that things will get better eventually and now I’m a little calmer cuz I know that the dark will go away someday.
Thank you Laurell for your books, your stories and especially your blog. Keep on making worlds for us to get lost in for a while, to help us be able to deal with the dark that threatens to swallow us at times.
Now, I’m going to curl up with a book and the iPod and get lost for a few hours and let my memories keep me calm and help me deal.
First of all you are looking fantastic! This year I can relate to everything in this blog post. One of the things I love about you is your honesty and how you handle difficult times in your life.
And one way you do that for all of us is by reading your books and taking a break from the real world. Thank you.
Thank you for your post, Laurell. I’m glad you feel comfortable enough with your fans to share your personal life. I can relate to parts of your post. My husband lost his father to cancer on Nov.22. He had been struggling with it for a few years and this last year especially. We live in different states so we had to make an emergency trip so we could see him one last time. We were able to do that and my husband’s father was able to see his two children, two grandchildren, and only great grandson (via FaceTime) before he crossed over to his next existence.
And your books are a wonderful way to escape into another world filled with heroes and bad guys and fantasy characters. I am awed at your imagination and ability to bring these worlds to life. Thank you for helping me escape when the reality of life gets to be a little too much!
I always read your blog because you don’t say it unless it comes from something/somewhere real and your openness is apparent in that you put yourself out there in your writing and sharing your snapshots of life. I love to gather around and hear your stories both real and fiction. Keep your spirits up and I pray for all your family give them hugs from me I would if I could.
Thank you for sharing your life with us, as you create the stories that buoy us through these terrible times. It is through this commonality, we share our grief, our heartbreaking life experiences and share our joyful and blessed life experiences, that we remain close. This is our support system. This blog allows us to come and talk to others, near and far from us. We support you in your endeavors. We laugh with you, we cry with you. Your characters help me hope for a better tomorrow. They inspire me to keep my heart open, despite pain from loss of family and friends. Sometimes, I just want to give up. Life is so hard to live. But I have my family to look after & they keep me here. Thank you for your words, for sharing a piece of yourself.
God Damn Laurell…. everytime I think Ive heard the best from you, you post a blog like this, completely blow my mind and remind me why Im here, why I love your books so much and why I hold you in such high respect. Everyone should read this. Thank you once again for your words and your energy. It doesn’t go unnoticed what it takes for you to do this.
Time you have known a person matters not. To lose anyone from our physical sphere hurts. We need to remember they have stepped through to a place we cannot reach at this time but they are still there. They stay in our thoughts and are not lost completely here until no-one remembers them. Your stories help us. Your blog helps us. Be strong. We love you though may never have met you.
I’m sorry to hear about your loss. I have to say that reading your blog, as well as you books, have helped me gain perspective, no matter what the writing is about. Sometimes it’s nice to just know what’s coming up next for Anita Blake, or some interesting piece of information that you talk about that I would never think about.
And this year does seem to have that overtone of death running rampant. Only a week ago, a co-worker of mine lost her father, whose health had been declining. This year was also the 25th anniversary of my grandpa’s death, which hit me harder than I would have expected to realize it had been 25 years.
So, for whatever reason, whether it’s a good story, or to show that we’re not alone, I do continue to enjoy each type of your writing.
An this is why you are my favorite author i admire you because you understand the reason why people need that escape .An i am so sorry for your lost . I have recently lost my mom Nov 5 of this year to a horrible car accident and your books helped me to escape an in a way reminded me of my mom spirit which gave me the time i needed to help collect myself to get my family together and to make them realize that we should not mourn her lost but celebrate her life my mom touched alot of people she was a caregiver and a healer who rocked out to ozzie An would of made the amazons proud an because of my moms spirit and your books i realized i have to live for her. Thank you an i hope and pray you live a long live and continue to make your awesome books an hopefully bring back the sirens to anitas series or atleast make a book that brings merry and anita together it would be amazing just saying ….
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings Laurel. As someone who last two family members to cancer this year, I found your words encouraging .
Sending you good wishes, and hopes for peace to all your family. I feel that every loss we experience reminds us of those we’ve experienced before and is thus compounded. This time of year seems hard for many (me included). Is it the more prevalent darkness, if you’re in the northern hemisphere, or the season where everyone seems fixed on buying stuff and eating what they don’t need? But in the same way that we need to appreciate the good times because they don’t last for ever, we need to remember that difficult times don’t last for ever either, it just feels that way. So Spring will come, grief will fade from our every waking thought, although it will always have the power to hurt us, and we will go on. Thank you for the world and words that you put together that helps readers do that – find a way of going on.
Having lost 3 beloved aunts and 2 beloved uncles plus a very much beloved stepfather, my husband’s father and birth mother, several of our fids (fur kids) plus several friends in the last few years death has become rather overwhelming to myself and my husband. Your books are a gods-send to us. I could not survive without reading. It is my escape from a world that is increasingly too painful to bear at times. We both look forward to your new releases with great anticipation. The only problem is which of us gets to read it first! 🙂
As always, you leave me with things to think about and share with others. Through your books and blog, I have learned so much – not just about you and your writing, but about myself and others.
I send warm healing thoughts to all there for what they are going through and a Thank You to you for taking the time to write about the happenings to remind us all that we are not alone when we are going through similiar times.
Happy Yule, Happy Solstice, Merry Christmas and all other wishes for a loving and Happy Season in which ever way everyone chooses to celebrate and wishes for an amazing 2016!
“It is the story, not (s)he who tells it…”
Please keep passing the stories on to us, Laurell, and we’ll be more than happy to keep reading them and then place them up on our bookshelves for that rainy day when we will need to escape and read them again.
Princess Meredith’s children are undoubtedly growing quickly with the love and support of their fathers’ supporting them. I wonder what stories the Kings would tell them, since they’ve been alive so long and seen so very much, magic included.
Thanks for sharing your real life with us, I appreciate how hard it can be to talk about grief and loss, its so personal. I’m glad you Mom is going to be okay, even if things are never the same after going through chemo. I work with children with autism and their families, and often I am walking with parents as they grieve. So often your stories have helped me let go of those grief stories that I’ve been gathering over the day, and characters like Anita and Merry inspire me to keep going when it’s hard. I hope you and your family have more to celebrate next year.
Thank you for your stories. I rebought most of your books on the kindle (rather than bringing my whole library to the hospital) when my baby was sick. Nine days doesn’t seem like long but when your 2 month old is on a ventilator during that time, its more like nine years. I read every one of your Anita and Merry series and Nightfall over again between those nine days and the three weeks of recovery that followed. When people see me reading one of you books, they ask “do you like her work?” My response is always “She kept me sane during the hardest point in my life. I adore every word she writes.”
I guess we have alway had guardians like you thru d ages who create 4 us a special world of safety thanks laurel
Cancer sucks. Chemo sucks. Been there done that. I hope to not ever go there again. This post hits a little too close to home for me as tomorrow I return to the oncologist for hopefully my 15 months cancer free check. Hold your loved ones close. You never know when they will need your strength. Cancer is always with you even when it’s gone.
Its amazing that as i read this, i felt like 10 different emotions by the time i got to the end….when i was young i would sit with my daddy and listen to him play his acoustic for hours, listening to you speak gives me the same feeling ? i would gladly sit around the fire with you for as long as you would speak…happy holidays to you all!!
So good. YOU are so GOOD.
You are a light in the dark. God bless you.
Many thanks and heart-felt love to you. *hug*
Heres to a better 2016 and my heartfelt sorrow to your family’s tough year and as someone who has had loved ones that have been impacted by cancer I know these words can sound rote but they like the words you use to create your world in your stories are all I have, so thank you for you imagination and most importantly your time. I know many would say that it is your job but I want you to know that we (your readers) as both people and fans value it, furthermore learning of your continued work when others might not is inspiring
Best wishes from someone who hears the call of the pard