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It’s date night and if ever I needed one this is it. The stress of the last few days has been off the scale. I just took Sasquatch out for his last walk of the night and when I reached up to get his harness and leash, there was no other leash. For the first time in nine years we have only one dog. It was one of those moments, that make you pause, and your chest gets tight for a moment not like you’re going to cry, but just a moment to begin to deal with the loss.

During all this crisis Jon and I have continued to work on the comic of THE LAUGHING CORPSE. There have been roughs, colors, solicite text, wips (works in progress) and covers to look over. There’s been flap copy for DIVINE MISDEMEANORS, the next Merry book which I’m supposed to be writing, but I admit that was hard to do during the last few days. I finally realized I’m jealous of Merry. Jealous of my own creation. Not for the sex and all the men, after these last few days I think if I had to take care of that many people I’d lose what’s left of my patience, and my temper. Merry has so much help. She has so many hands on deck to take care of everything, anything, and though I have staff, and good staff, it’s real life. In fiction, on the page I can make certain that the people around Merry know exactly what to do, and how to do it. I get rewrites, and second or thirty-fifth chances to get it juuust right.

In real life you seldom get second chances let alone third, or more. In real life you stumble through trying to make the right decisions, trying to protect the people and animals you love, trying to work and make deadlines, and there are still meals to eat, appointments to keep, demands to be met, even when there’s blood being cleaned off your kitchen floor life goes strangely on.

Now Merry’s life isn’t perfect, and some of the people around her are not making her life easier, but the majority of them are, but in real life I find that is seldom true. In real life you have people that are supposed to be helping you being just the opposite of helpful. There are moments when I feel quite beaten down with trying to take care of everyone, myself included. This week has been a test of many things, some things have broken and will never be repaired. Sasquatch’s eye is gone. He’s being a good sport about it, but it’s not fixable. It is, what it is. Pippin is gone from our house forever, and though he’s in a great foster home with a great family, he’s no longer ours.

Jon, Trinity, and I picked up Sasquatch from the vet together, as a family. Trinity is already wrangling for another dog. Jon told her, "Just don’t bring it up until we do, okay?" She agreed.

I tried to explain how tired we were, how emotionally used up. "While you’ve had as calm a few days as we could give you. Daddy and I have been working really hard to find Pip a new home, and take care of Sasquatch."

She was quiet for a moment, then said, "I’m sorry it’s been hard on you guys."

Jon said, "That’s what parents do. We take care of things and try to keep you out of the worst of it."

I had an ah-ha moment. "My grandmother didn’t do that, except about money, everything else she told me. She made me share all of the scary stuff, the hard stuff, of being a grown-up, but with none of the power or choice. No wonder I hated being a child."

Jon said, "It’s like being an adult but with none of the perks, and you didn’t get to be a child either."

"No," I said, "not really."

It was one of those moments when my own childhood rearranged itself in my head and I realized that I protected my daughter from so many things that my grandmother hadn’t seen fit to protect me from. She was all alone and I was all she had, so she turned to me in ways that were probably not great for me. But if the proof of success is in the success of the child then she did all right. I’ve done well as they used to say. The trick is did I succeed because of, or in spite of, and the truth is something of both.

Now off to date night and some of those perks of being an adult. I’ve had enough of the downside of being a grown-up I’m way past ready for some upside.