When the Demons Come – Memorial Day 2018
Once I loved a military man. My husband and I dated him after he’d already come home with his wound and his medal. We’d go to sleep in a twist of sheets and warm bodies, me in the middle of my two men, but he’d wake in the middle of the night driven by dreams of those that didn’t come home with him. Things done and things left undone. I’d wake to find his side of the bed empty and I’d go searching in the darkened rooms. I’d usually find him on the couch not sleeping, but not wanting to wake anyone else. I’d coax him back to bed, asking him to let me hold him, even if he didn’t sleep, just come back to bed. I learned his breathing, the feel of his body, the change in weight as the demons came. If I could catch it soon enough I could pet him back to sleep. Caress him until his breathing evened out, his body relaxed beside me, and I’d cuddle back down between my two men. Some of the most peace I’d known was sleeping between my husband and our soldier. Until by the time we parted ways I missed his snoring, and had to relearn how to sleep without it.
I love a military man, he’s my best friend. I knew him before he put on a uniform, and I’ve known him ever since. He trusts me and I trust him. He trusts me enough that he knew he could call on the day that he had his gun in his hand. He didn’t tell me he had it, I heard the metallic clack-clack as the slide went back on the gun. There’s no other sound like it and I knew it meant he’d put a bullet in it and it was live. I knew he was sitting there on the other end of the phone with a loaded gun. I remember the spurt of fear, the panic as I thought, what do I do, what do I say? First, I told him I knew what that sound was, he’d known I would. No bullshit between us, no lies. I knew he was sitting there thinking about it, but I trusted him enough to believe I was his call for help, not his suicide note. I heard the slide go back again, knew he’d ejected the live bullet. I breathed a sigh of relief and kept talking. I tried doing the whole, all you have to live for speech. I tried to be comforting. The slide went back again. And that was it, I called him names, I asked how could he do to me what his friend’s death had done to him? How could he make his family feel the pain of loss he was feeling right then? I used some more colorful phrases, some of which he’d help me prefect over the years. I got angry at him, fuck softness and hand holding. If this was it, we were both going down fighting. I heard the slide go back again, and I yelled at him some more, that we weren’t doing this again, and he agreed. He put the gun up. I told him if he took the easy way out and I didn’t, then I won. I’d be the better man. What military man wants to lose to a girl?
I love another military man, and the demons wake him, too. The loss of his brother in arms haunts him. I’ve held him while he railed against the loss. I’ve held him while he screamed his rage at those that didn’t come home, and why was he alive, why him and not them? I helped hold him and finally screamed myself, until he could hear me. That I was glad he was alive. That I was glad he was in my life. That his brother would want him to live. That his lost friend wouldn’t want him to die with him, but to live, and to keep on living.
Memorial Day is to honor the dead who have fallen in defense of our country and our freedom, but we don’t just lose our soldiers to the violence of war. Every day twenty veterans commit suicide. Every day an average of twenty of our brave men and women that have served in our armed forces take their own lives. Every day, not just Memorial Day, not just Veterans Day, but every day.
We need to lower these numbers. We need to figure out how to help the men and women that we send to fight our battles for us.
If you, or someone you know, may be considering suicide, please reach out.
Veterans Crisis Line
Call 1-800-273-8255 ext 1
Or text 838255
Mission 22
Battle In Distress
http://www.battleindistress.org
Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors
11 thoughts on “When the Demons Come – Memorial Day 2018”
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My father served for 20 plus years. He flew the AH-64, commonly referred to as the Apache. I have grown up around Fort Bragg, NC. Fort Bragg is home of the 82nd Airborne Division, and a couple of spec opp units. I have seen those who haven’t made it home as well as those brave men and women who lived through those similar demons of your military man. I have lost other friends who couldn’t live with the survivors guilt your military man dealt with. As hard as it is for those who have served and still serve, is as you have a personal understanding, is the family of those. My father would have gladly given his life protecting the freedoms we have. He would put on a uniform again in a heartbeat to serve. My heart goes out to all of those brave men and women who have given their life, in one form or another, to protect our freedom. Also to their families for loving a person in the military.
I lost my dad a sailor long before the drugs he took to quiet the demons in head finally took his life. He didn’t talk about it but I know he was in Veitnam& Thai conflicts. Memorial day never bothers me but that sketch brought me right back to his memorial service, sitting a sad rundown chapel on Euclid Ave, they presented me his flag and I instantly became a little girl that just wanted her daddy.
I will share this. None of the military personnell who were in my life are still with us, but I will share this for all those who need to keep theirs with them in the here and now. I thank you, most profoundly, for the chance to share this much needed information, and I pray it will save at least one life, if not more. Thank you so very much.
I want the entire country to read these words that have left me in tears. To so many, too many, this day gets a single thought towards our men and women in uniform. Even me, I’m shamed to admit. But your words have reached me and I am going to keep these words and read them often. Thank you for the words. Thank you for sharing your experiences in a way that opens hearts. Thank you for fighting for your soldiers. I don’t have any soldiers in my life, but I can at least donate to causes that will help them. Thank you.
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Laurell,
Thank you so much for this post, and bless you for the love and support you gave and are giving to both of your soldier guys. That kind of love and emotional support is priceless to someone who has been in combat, as you know. Too few people have the strength and understanding to give it.
My family has been serving, almost without a break, since before we were a country. Our latest, my nephew, just retired from the Marine Corp. I could wish for him that he finds a partner as loving and supportive as you are.
Bright Blessings on you and yours, from me and mine on this Memorial Day.
Thank you for understanding the crisis our soldiers deal with at home. My best friend’s dad was like my 2nd dad. He served in the military for over 10 years before he was injured. We were 17 when he left the military. He didn’t commit suicide but it was almost the same as he slowly drank himself to death. He was a great man even when he was drinking, funny, sweet, and giving. He just couldn’t deal with the loss of friends and the pain. He made it 2 years before he died in a drunk driving accident. I’m 30 now and I wish he had gotten help so he could still be here. There is so much more we need to do to support our vetrans.
Thank you.
Your words are important and hopefully some comfort for military people and their relatives and friends.
But I have another question:
Dear Laurell, you write: “I’d be the better man. What military man wants to lose to a girl?“
How do you manage staying friends with someone who looks down on you because of your sex? Doesn’t it annoy you?
I want to thank you for thinking of us on that day I’ve read your books since before I went to the military and after especially during when I had Free time to do so so I also want to thank you for taking me away from the situation i was in at the time with your stories and novels and your respect for those who serve.
Thank you for bringing this to light. And God Bless you for your loving and generous heart. My fiance was in the service. We recently had to get a king size bed, so that when he had certain dreams, he wouldn’t accidentally throw me off the bed in his efforts to protect me from whatever nightmare, or memory, or both is haunting him that night. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been body slammed off the bed and onto the floor. Luckily the local VA has gotten him into therapy, and he’s learning to deal more effectively with his PTSD, and the nights that I wake up on the floor are coming so much more infrequently. Please, there is help out there! Much love to all our vets, and those that love them.