Yes, Amanda, You Can be an Artist and a Mother

Mar 25, 2015

 

Motherhood does not define me. There, I’ve said it.  I love my daughter dearly.  She brought new worlds and concepts into my life that I would never have discovered without being a parent; but it was not a natural role for me.  I never came to a point where I thought it was easy because every time I got the hang of it, she got bigger, older, changed, so that it was like learning the rules all over again.  Parenting is like dating someone who changes every few months, but you’ve already married them, so you just have to figure it out as you go.  You can buy all the parenting books you want, nothing prepares you for the reality of having a tiny human-being dependent on you twenty four hours a day, seven days a week, three hundred and sixty five days a year.  It was, and is, the most overwhelming and challenging task I have ever attempted.  My daughter is in college now, in the dorms. Other mothers I know bemoaned their empty nest but I was ready for less hands on parenting.  She’s twenty, and I’m thrilled that she is starting her own adventures out in the larger world.  I’m a little terrified at the thought of her being out there on her own, but mostly I’m just excited that we raised her to legal adulthood.  

 

I know I would be a different person if I had not had a child, and since I like who I am, I’m happy with what I discovered of myself and learned along the way. But I’m here today to strike a blow against this ideal: that women are defined by motherhood and that not having a child makes any woman one bit less a woman. That’s bullshit.  If a woman chooses not to have a child, that is her choice, let her make it, leave her alone about it.  Stop asking women in their twenties, thirties, or Gods forbid, forties, when they are going to have children.  First of all, unless that’s your uterus walking around in that woman’s body, it’s none of your business.  Second, why should you care if this other woman has a child? Because it’s almost always women who do this type of bullying.  Yes, I said it, bullying.  I saw it as bullying when I was in my twenties and early thirties, married for years and had no children but was constantly being asked, when, why not, why don’t I have children yet?  Strangers would ask me this – constantly.  

 

I finally started answering, “I’m concentrating on my career.”

They said, “What if you wait too long and then you can’t have children?”

I said, “Then I won’t have children.”

They never seemed to like that answer.  

 

My first husband and I were married for ten years before we had the house with a room for a nursery.  I felt that I had had enough therapy so that I had dealt with the worst of my childhood demons and wouldn’t share them with our daughter.  I stopped using birth control and within three months of trying we were pregnant.  Let me add that I had a terrible pregnancy, like my mother before me, and was very ill.  I was in and out of the hospital trying to keep our baby inside long enough to be born and survive.  I did not glow.  I did not enjoy the process of producing an entire human being inside my body.  There were very few Hallmark moments during my pregnancy.  If you decide to get pregnant, please do not go into it thinking that it will all be cute booties and wonderful moments of ever growing closeness with your spouse or domestic partner.  Check out how well your own mother handled pregnancy and that may give you an idea if it’s going to be “normal” or exciting like mine was, trust me, an exciting pregnancy is not what you want.  

 

Was it worth it to get our daughter?  Yes, hell yes.  Do I regret having her? Not for a minute.  But I did not make being a mother the end all, be all, of my life.  Her father helped make her, so I made sure he helped me take care of her.  At one point in my pregnancy when he’d done something that made me doubt he was understanding that I saw parenting as a shared event, I told him this, “If you make me raise this baby as if I’m a single parent, I will be.”  Never argue with the pregnant woman who is puking her guts up trying to bring your child into the world.  I stood my ground and made him help me as much as possible.  One, because that seemed fair to me, and two, because I had books to write, stories to tell.  I’d wanted to be a writer since I was fourteen-years-old.  I’d only wanted to be a mother since my early twenties.  I was never one of those people who defined myself by marriage and children.  I’d never planned on marrying.  I was a writer.  By the time our daughter was born I had six novels and numerous short stories published.  She’ll turn twenty-one this year and I am planning the tour for my thirty-eighth novel.

 

My editor at that time worried when she found out I was pregnant.  She thought it would make me soft, lose me my edge.  My first novel written after her birth had the highest kill count of anything I’d ever written.  Motherhood didn’t make me soft, it made me fierce.  It made me more committed, determined to succeed.  It made me cranky when our daughter was very small, because lack of sleep will do that to you.  Even with my now ex-husband dividing up the newborn caregiving it was beyond exhausting.  My hat is off to all new parents because it was the hardest stage of parenting for me.  It just gets better after that.  

 

Amanda Palmer and Neil Gaiman are expecting their first child together.  Amanda is a wonderful musician, singer, bard, and recently, writer of her very own book.  Neil is an amazing writer of novels, children’s books, comics, screen plays, pretty much if it can be written he’s done it and done it well.  They posted a lovely photo of Amanda and a female fan promptly commented to Amanda that she had ruined her career as an artist.  

 

First, the fan hit Amanda in the fears of many female artists when they decide to have a family.  Will children take all my creativity and time?  Will my art die?  Will I change so much that I can’t write, or sing, or paint?  I said publicly on Twitter that all that is bullshit.  I’ve written short stories and thirty-one novels since my daughter was born.  Having a child didn’t make me less of who I am anymore than marriage did.  You remain yourself no matter who you bring into your life, even if it’s a whole new human-being.  I understand the fears though, but I do not understand the other woman telling Amanda such hurtful lies, because I’m proof that they are lies.  You don’t have to give up your life to be a mother, and before someone says it, no I did not have a nanny for my child.  When she was born I couldn’t have afforded it and I also decided that I wanted to be the main input on our child, not a stranger that I paid, but that was my choice later on, when she was born it was just my ex and me to do it all.  I would take her to childcare first for a couple of hours a day, and then gradually longer, but I learned to write in McDonald’s play lands while she explored the kiddie hamster trail.  I wrote anytime she slept.  Her naps were my chance to do a few pages.  I handed our baby to my husband at the door when he came home from work and then vanished into my office.  (This may have contributed to our eventual divorce.)  I wrote on the kitchen table with the baby in a pumpkin seat beside my portable computer.  If you are not determined and driven you can combine parenting and a career as an artist.  

 

I believe that Amanda Palmer is driven and determined.  She also has Neil Gaiman, her husband, in her corner to help.  I had some help from my ex-husband, but when I married a second time I found even more help in Jonathon.  He took care of her when she was sick more than I did so I could make my deadlines.  He picked her up from school more often and he brought his wonderful mother and step-father into our lives so that by the time our daughter was seven, or eight, they were grandma and grandpa.  One of the best things I ever did was offer his mother a chance to be a full-time grandma.  I had more help as our daughter headed into double digits than I ever had before.  It’s only now as Jonathon has more empty nest syndrome than I do, that I realize how much I pushed my new husband into the deep end of the parenting pool.  He was twenty-five and had never been married and I just excepted him to step up.  He did, but it’s only now that I realize how hard it must have been on him as an only child to suddenly be a dad.  I have faith that Neil and Amanda will step up for each other as artists and parents and as a couple.  It can be done, and done well, it just does take effort, planning, compromise, and a determination to make it all work.  Don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t mix art and babies because that’s just not true.

 

But one thing that is strangely absent in the whole online furor about whether Amanda can be her artistic self and a mother is that no one has raised the same doubts about Neil.  Yes, the woman carries the baby in her body, and the man can’t do that, but why is it assumed that the woman will sacrifice her career for parenthood but the man doesn’t have to?  

 

I am the main breadwinner for my family, but I have had people ask me already if I’m going to be a full time grandmother and help my daughter raise her kids when the time comes.  I say, no, and they look at me strangely.  They have never asked the same question of my husband.  I plan to do what most successful writers do: die when I’m old and gray, still typing away at my keyboard trying to tell that one last story.  I expect Neil Gaiman will do the same, but I’m willing to bet that no one has asked him if he’s going to quit writing and become a full time grandpa and help raise his grandchildren, just as no one thinks a new baby will end his career.  

 

If you want to stay home and be the primary parent for your children, then do it.  If it makes you happy and you can afford it, then do that, whether you’re a man, or a woman, but please stop assuming that because we are women that it’s automatically our job to sacrifice everything for diaper duty.  

 

 

 

 

43 thoughts on “Yes, Amanda, You Can be an Artist and a Mother”

  1. Amazing, true, and extremely well put. I hope Amanda sees your message, because no one with that much passion for the creative arts, and the world, should ever feel like her career is over. It’s only just begun.

  2. Possibly one of the best blogs written in relation to art+parenthood (I say ‘plus’, because I don’t believe it should ever be ‘versus’ unless it’s one’s own choice). I’m not yet a parent myself, but I have run into some of these same comments and situations even as a full-time nanny to my two youngest nieces in regards to art drives and deadlines. Thank you for writing this and bringing a little brightness to my Wednesday.

  3. i have similar feelings on the whole parenthood thing. I love our wee boy – he’s a crazy handful of 2.5 year old energy who makes each day an adventure, but it was a really difficult transition for me from full time career person to Mum. My husband and I are older parents (I’m in my late 30’s and he is in his mid 40’s). We had endured the whole “when will you guys have kids” from friends, family and strangers alike for years and it drove us insane – why did they care what we did? We got married really quickly after meeting – we were engaged 5 days after our first date and married on the 1 anniversary of that date and I’m sure people assumed we were expecting – we were not. We then spent the next 11 years establishing our careers and building up our relationship.

    Eventually we decided to try and have children, it took a long time but we eventually fell and stayed pregnant. It was a pretty miserable 9 months of sickness, hospital stays and the inability to walk easily after 20 weeks, that culminated in an emergency operation to ensure our son survived delivery. All of it was worth it for our baby though, but by the end of it I felt lost. I had spent a year getting in great shape but that was gone and now I had a small person who needed me a lot and we had to face the reality of moving from the UK to the U.S. for my husbands job with a baby.

    Organizing the move felt fairly easy – by job as an IT programme manager was all about organization but the move meant I had to leave my job and with visa constraints that I could not take on another one. For a while being a stay at home Mum meant I felt like I had lost me – and I hated that. Right now – in the midst of another move I’m embracing the fact that being a mum has changed me – but I’m still a professional – I study, I write, I offer free advise workshops to small businesses who want some help. Yes a huge part of my day involves 2 year old activities but when I have me time, I do me things.

    Being a parent doesn’t mean you no longer have a career – it may mean you change direction a little but you don’t have to loose yourself in being a mum. If you have support then use it, let yourself be you as well as mummy. I know that when we are lucky enough to have family stay we are more than happy to hand off the smurf and have us time. Being a parent doesn’t define you – it just adds another facet

  4. As always very well written. As one of those women who chose not to have children I understand how annoying it is to get asked again and again why I don’t have children. I think we as a society do a disservice to our young girls and women to make them think for some reason they are less if they don’t get married and/or have children. I think too many people think they HAVE to have children and don’t look at if they even want to have children. I am sure Amanda will do great and working together they will both continue to thrive as artists.

  5. OMG thank you. At 33 all I hear when I say I don’t have kids is “what’s wrong with you?” It is a relief to hear someone else say leave it alone. I applaud your choice to be a mother and all the work you did to be the best at all the things that make you, you. I applaud louder and harder because you stand up for the rights of people to make different decisions then your own and support those who make the choice to be a parent with a career.

    Hands down woman you are a goddess amount mortals.

  6. I am nearing 40! I don’t have a other half and I don’t have kids! Nor do I want either! I am happy as I am!
    I have for years had the “oh no other half, what a shame or don’t leave it too long or all the good ones will be gone!/ oh no kids best start soon or you won’t be able to” comments from strangers / parents of friends / family so its nice to have someone stand up and say just let people be!
    I do agree that the comments I have received over the years would never have been said to man or thought about.

    Best Wishes to Amanda and Neil on the bump!

  8. I also have chosen not to have children. I remember I was in my early 20’s and being asked by my doctor (female) if I thought I’d be having children one day… I hesitated and quietly said no. She told me that was nothing to be ashamed of and she wished more women would be honest with themselves. Not all women are meant to have children and there are too many that have children that do so because they’re “supposed” to. Amanda and Neil will be awesome parents and will continue to be awesome artists as well. Thank you for a (another) wonderful blog Laurell.

  9. As a stay at home mom of two, I can not agree with this more. You have said eloquently what I have wanted to scream from my rooftop! Thank you.

  10. I do not love being a mom. There. I said it. I love my daughter very much. I love that I have a daughter, it give me more purpose, more grounding. Parenting is hard and it’s a constant thing, to always be parenting. I do not love it. And I am not alone

    Thank you for lighting the way.

  11. Gah, it really sucks that someone had the gall to say that to Amanda. I don’t know if that was genuine ignorance that there’s no other way to approach motherhood, or it was deliberately attempting to play on insecurities to cause harm (she seems to have more than her fair share of internet trolls attempting this).

    Thank you for offering a counterpoint from a position of experience. I hope it reassured her.

    “But one thing that is strangely absent in the whole online furor about whether Amanda can be her artistic self and a mother is that no one has raised the same doubts about Neil. Yes, the woman carries the baby in her body, and the man can’t do that, but why is it assumed that the woman will sacrifice her career for parenthood but the man doesn’t have to? ”

    Excellent point.
    While I wouldn’t *want* anyone to tell Neil his career is over because he’s becoming a father to another child, it is very telling that no one is saying this.

  12. This “bullying” by other women is . . . I have no words. I found it even in my OBGYN when my son was born. I requested at that time to have my tubes tied. My doctor, a female, did not want to do it. “What if you want more children?” “What if you marry a different man and want his baby?” “What if something happens to this child and you want another?” All this from my female doctor who was aware of my difficulty with pregnancies. This was my forth pregnancy, but only my second birth and this pregnancy was fraught with difficulties. My answer – “I am over 30. I have a daughter and now a son. I will not endure another pregnancy. If I want another child for any reason, I know where to get one without being pregnant.” She decided maybe I knew what I was talking about, I had obviously given this some thought. She tied my tubes. I have never regretted that decision. Not even when my marriage ended or when my son died. I still know where I can get a child if I want one, without being pregnant. There are so many unwanted children in this overpopulated world. Being a parent should be a well thought out choice, not something to please others. As for giving up my life now to be a grandma? Guess what, my daughter has chosen not to become a mother. Her choice and I totally support her in that choice.

  14. I don’t understand in this world of 2015 why there is so much bullying of each other instead of supporting one another!! You always have the perfect way to say it, Laurell!! I’m with you also on the fact of not understanding why fathers don’t get asked why they aren’t going to stay home & take care of the baby either. My husband was awesome raising our three girls! Heck, he took care of them more than I did! Each of my pregnancy got worse than the last with a miscarriage between our first & second daughters. Our third child was a miracle & a premie but my hubby was there the whole way thankfully. After all that I still had family members ask me why we didn’t try for a boy. My hubby’s is the last of our surname in the family. It makes no sense why women put other women down especially when we should build each other up! There is too much discrimination in this world of all kinds! Let’s try to love each other more!! God Bless You & Yours, Laurell & thank you for all the love you give!!

  15. LOL!!! In todays world people can makechoices that they never could before. It is worse than foolish if you don’t make these choices. Lemmings is a good word. Lemmings do not make choices. A woman is defined y that part of her that lies north of her eyes and between her ears. Everything comesfrom here. I’ve known women who were good mothers and could do little else. Training? certainly in part. Choices? Most definitely! Choose what you want & then go get it

  16. My Mother who is in her 70’s admitted that if had not been expected of her, my dad and her wouldn’t have had children. She told me that she never regretted having my brother and me but if the options would have been there my parents wouldn’t have been ‘parents’. I had a daughter and love her like crazy but other than my stepchildren, I don’t have much to do with other children, don’t want to. My daughter is in her 30’s and her and my wonderful son-in-law have taken steps to never have children. I respect and support her but her father has cut her off because he can not understand. I feel it is her life and she deserves the right to live it how she wishes.

  17. Your blog made me cry. I can’t tell you the number of rude, insensitive comments I have heard about why I don’t have children. It is so wonderful to read your honest and powerful words that say it is ok for a woman not to have children. I hope women read this blog and it sinks in with them. It would be wonderful to not be asked again when are you having kids or why don’t you have any.

  18. Wise and wiser words.
    Always with you the wisdom floweth over. So fantastic! 😉
    Truly thou art the Queen of Bad4ss! 😀
    Wherever your words take you, I will gladly follow.
    …Always! ♥

  19. You rock! Amanda needs all the support she can get. Especially from another artist with perspective. i love seeing an artist i love supporting another artist that also i love. Love to the both YOU and Amanda. xxx.

  20. Absolutely loved this for I to never felt that if I didn’t have children I wouldn’t be “complete”. I was 34 before I had my first child and that was my decision not someone else. I think if women decide that having children isn’t for them then that is fine because it is her choice, her life.

  21. Thanks for this post. I have endured bullying from my family ever since I got my degree 3 years ago and as my sister has had more children it has gotten worse. I don’t know if I want to have children. I am completely on the fence about. But this is very difficult to explain to people because then they want to know why. And I don’t have an answer so I just don’t talk about. I take it quietly. It’s just nice to know I an not the only on who feels that way.

  22. Awesome. So many let people bully them and don’t stand up for themselves. Generally because they don’t think people will support their views. We do, you are great. Amanda will be a great mom and a great author. She will be able to do whatever she wants to.

  24. My most fervent hope for the world is that Every child is Wanted. What a difference that would make in everyone’s lives! And no, I do not think it is in any way wrong to not want to have children, or to want many.

    Each to his/her own. May your decisions bring you happiness.

  25. I will be 60 this June. I am Single, never married and no children. I went into nursing at 17 yrs of age and as a caretaker nurturer in my professiinal life I did not have a burning desire to caretake in my personal life. I wanted a partner, to share life with. This did not happen for me.
    Women, were by far the biggest bullies. Women eat their young. Ruthlessly. When you do not fit into the mold of marriage and children, you are other. Marginalized, ostracized and ridiculed. It was painful and taught me to rely on myself. It took years for me to understand it was their fear of my choices being so foreign to them they needed to belittle me to feel more secure.
    I challenge all people to speak and act out of Love. It is a warm and wonderful way to live and omits the whole judgement and fear focused lashing out and bullying of those who are different.
    Let Us celebrate All Our Differences. Actively. Let this be what we nurture in our partnerships and teach to our children. A Be Brave New Way Of Living

  27. so true…I’ve always said that my son (who is now 20) survived having me for a parent.

  28. I’m perched on the cliff- Our last daughter is graduating from high school in just a few short months! I was a young bride and a young mother, I hadn’t really understood who I was yet when I had created a new life to take care of and guide. Our first daughter was born right after my 23rd birthday, I was scared to death. After 26 years of marriage (to a man I still love beyond reason), two brilliant daughters, a thriving company my husband and I own together and a contributing travel writers position at a fabulous nation wide magazine, I feel like, I-did-it-all!
    But, I’m excited to have my life back. I know many mothers who think I’m the worst mom ever to be looking forward with such enthusiasm to “empty nest”. I hope with all my might that my daughters go forth and become happy at whatever it is they want to do, because I love them with all my heart. I will give advice when asked and when not asked. I just want them to be happy in what they choose to do in life and yes, make enough money to not ask us for any. Yep, I said it out loud.
    At 47 I feel I still have a lot of time ahead for myself that maybe was hard to fit in when I was “doing kid stuff”. My husband and I have a thing now, kinda free association, to where we want to travel and what we want to do. I loved my time as a mother, but I’m not scared of just being me again. I never defined myself as just Mom, but as Donna too. I’m hoping that choice will payoff for the second act of my life.
    Be a parent, but respect yourself enough not to lose yourself in the process. A strong mother is a strong role model for any child.

  29. This year I became a Grandmother twice. I had never expected that to happen. I was able to stay home with my kids and enjoyed it. BUT I chose to stay home and chose to go to school and go to work at a later date. The key word is choice. My pregnancies and deliveries were a pain. I firmly believe that it is my body and do not appreciate any comments. My mother in law only asked one time if we were having children. No matter our choices there will always be second guesses. I am not less a person because I had kids nor did my IQ drop. I made my choices and everyone should have that right. By the way I like weapons and do like the pictures. Keep up the comments

  30. Parenting is a gift. It isn’t for everyone. There were days I wished I did not have kids. I used to think that made me a monster. Now with of my girls a successful adult and the other almost there, I know it just means I am human. I am a better artist for having been a parent but being a parent does not define me as an artist.

  31. “Parenting is like dating someone who changes every few months, but you’ve already married them, so you just have to figure it out as you go.” You said that perfectly! We adopted our daughter though foster care last year when she was 11, having known her for only six months, and I describe building a family with her exactly like a marriage. When my doctor learned we adopted, her first question was “How long did you try to get pregnant?” Um…never. When friends learn that I am the bread winner and DH is a stay-at-home dad, they wonder “How long has he been looking for a job?” Again…never. I don’t need to give up my career to be a mom, and my husband need not have one to be a man. I did not need to be a mom to know I never wanted to have babies.

  32. Nicely said. Not many people have the courage to speak out about this and write about personal experience, which is why I admire you so much. You say what’s on your mind, even if others don’t agree, which is something I wish more people did.

    Loved this post. Continue being you because you’re a big inspiration for others, including myself 🙂

  33. Speaking as someone who strongly believes in Child Protection (a quote from one of my other favorite authors, a lawyer who represents children in abuse cases, “Child Protection is Crime Prevention.”) Well, guess where that starts? By knowing (and owning up to) yourself about whether or not you want kids or should even have them.

    I also agree with a lot of the above comments and your blog that this is our choice; our mothers (if you happen to be in your early 30’s/late 20’s) fought, hard, for the right to make that choice. So for women who go around doing that special, pestering form of bullying I can only say, if you’re in the aforementioned age demographic, you are betraying the very foundation of equal rights and if your mom did her part in fighting for it, you should at least be that much more respectful of the rights it won women everywhere to chose whether or not to have a child.

    Aside from basic respect of others and the fact that the planet is a little over-populated just now, if you ever ask me that question you will get a flat stare and a, ‘and how is that your business?’ in response. I have no patience for fools and bullies and even less patience with this overall thing that women seem to do, which is to drag down other women. If we all organized and banded together as a coherent, respectful group, we would not only have more of women in congress, but better qualified women in congress and the men in congress, and politics in general, wouldn’t be able to get away with half the crap they do. Unfortunately, that’s not the way it goes, so let me lay out another reason not to bully/pressure someone into having a child when ultimately they don’t want one; two-legged predators.

    Predatory Pedophiles exist. Some are in ‘business’ and sell their product online, claiming it a victimless crime (to which I say bull, because a child cannot and would not, give consent to do such a thing). Some just want their own victim, so they marry someone, have a kid…and a little later down the line is when someone like the author who is a lawyer who defends children, (and only the child, as he puts it, and therefore he won’t take money from either parent in case either one or both are the ones harming the child) comes in and sees about getting that child some justice, which, I can tell you, is depressingly not often enough.

    These scenarios make bringing an unwanted child into the world dangerous. Sorry, but I’ve read too many case articles where there was no happy ending. And that’s not even getting into how unwanted children often join gangs, commit crimes to get attention, or because they’re mad at the world, and get into fights, get caught and land in juvie, which is the last place you want a kid to end up. Because right now, and for a long time, juvenile detention centers have basically been modeled after prisons. So the kinds come out hardened criminals who later end up in “real” prison, and it just becomes a horrific cycle.

    So please, the next time you feel the urge to ask someone if they’re planning to have kids after they’ve turned a certain age, or been married a certain amount of time, remember that this is truly a loaded question in not only the examples given above, but in a darker place. I’m honest with myself; I know I shouldn’t have kids because I flat out don’t want to and because I honestly have the wrong temperament. Using the example above, I’m bluntly honest, fiercely so sometimes, and children deserve something of a childhood. But, yeah, mostly the answer is, I don’t want them, and neither does my Significant Other (I hate calling him my boyfriend, it sounds like we’re in high school), and aside from not wanting them I am all to aware that happy endings are not guaranteed the child.

    Sorry to be all grim and long-winded, but I’ve seen and read enough to feel grim about the whole thing, so yeah, take what Laurell said and double it for me.

  34. I am so glad to see others talking about lacking the “mothering comes naturally” drive that is assumed. I have a very headstrong, passionate daughter, and sometimes it is incredibly draining. I never had an urge to be a parent. I work with children, I adore children, but I struggle with babies. If I was to ever have another child in my house it would be through adoption.

    For years after I had my daughter I’d be asked constantly “When are you going to have more kids?” I tried all the polite answers, which ended up me being told that I’m selfish and/or they hope I have an accident and am forced to have another child. Apparently because I have the biological ability to have children I should. I eventually got sick of it and now respond to “When are you going to have more kids” with:

    “Are you asking about my sex life? Because I can tell you about that if you want.”

    They tend to shut up at that point and look incredibly awkward.

  36. I can sympathize I had an awful pregnancy with our son. I was a firegighter paramedic at the time and working 24 hours on 48 off and sick as a dog. I heard the same crap your talking about about ruining my career and was I even going to come back after having the baby. I started in the fire service in 1986 and was one of my departments first women I took hazing and outright bullying for taking a job away from a “man”. I took more of it when I informed them of my pregnancy. It really pissed me off cause of all the times the guys would come into work and announce “Hey my wife girlfriend whatever is having a baby” and congratulations would flow and back slaps ect. I got “Seriously how are you going to do your job. I was like the same way I’ve done it for the last 14 yrs DUH” I worked as a full firefighter until I couldn’t fit into my bunker gear then solely on the ambulance as a paramedic until 3 days before I had my son. After 20 yrs I retired finally in 2006 from the fire service as a Captain my son was 6 only step higher I could go was a Chief I don’t feel I ruined my career. I still work as a paramedic . It ‘s not just artists who are told that they will ruin thier careers public safety gets it too. Why is it that men can be fathers and not get told this bullshit. But a woman lets it be known she pregnant and they try to pigeon hole you away not fair at all.

  37. Thank you for this post. I’ve been feeling lost lately and this gave me the inspiration I needed. Like you, I gave my fiance the same speech. If I have to do this alone so help me I Will be alone….I’ve been raising my daughter since she was 6 weeks by myself (now almost 10 months).
    I have very little support, most days its just me. I will never regret having her

  38. Thank you for this post. I’ve been feeling lost lately and this gave me the inspiration I needed. Like you, I gave my fiance the same speech. If I have to do this alone so help me I Will be alone….I’ve been raising my daughter since she was 6 weeks by myself (now almost 10 months).

    My parents helped us have a place to go (there were safety issues involved), but aside from that its just me. All day. Every day. I forget that I dont have to just be a mom, that its ok to have my own hopes and dreams and that I don’t have to feel ashamed that her dad just didn’t want to be a father. Thank you for that reminder.

  39. AMEN! Extremely well said, there isn’t much I can add at all. I am so glad to see you address this issue, as a woman in her early forties with no children, I rarely get through the week without someone, stranger or familiar, making some comment about my biological clock winding down. I never hear that question asked to the men that I know, and yet strangers seem to think it is perfectly acceptable to lament the possibility that my womb won’t carry out what they consider to be its designated purpose. The truly sad fact is that it is inevitably other women who are the questioners, the bullies, as if it isn’t bad enough that I am married to a woman, but we are also failing to pass on our DNA to another generation. I believe there are so many more things we can pass on to future generations, and having a child should be a well-thought out and well-prepared choice, not an accidental slip of the condom. You have obviously raised an extremely well-rounded daughter, and with the help of your personal circle, as it truly should be. Children should not be raised alone, by one person regardless of gender, who struggles to provide for that life. Instead, by having that support, you expose that child to so much more love and experience than one person can possibly provide. Congratulations on making the best decisions in your situation, and for also being strong enough to give birth to all the characters we love and the 38 books and counting. That is the kind of strength we need more of in this world.

  40. Often the rude questions don’t stop even when you’ve had a child. I remember when my daughter was around 3 or 4 and in daycare (and I was a divorced mom living with my parents) one of the workers there asking when I was going to have another child, saying that children need siblings. Didn’t really know how to say probably never, and anyway why would I want to get pregnant when I’m not even dating, much less in a relationship or married. Ten years later and I love and adore my very happy and well-adjusted daughter – my ONLY child.

  41. The sad reality is that there will never be equality between the sexes until life expectations and roles are made universal. People are so brainwashed from infancy as to what their responsibilities are as a male and a female. We need to stop thinking in terms or manhood or womanhood and focus on raising capable PEOPLE.

    Let your son play with dolls so he is more inclined to hold his future baby and not be afraid to help his partner. Let your daughter learn how to do basic home repairs so she doesn’t have to rely on a man to do those things for her. My dad always treated my brother and I equally in that respect. I know how to check and refill the fluids in my car and my brother knows how to cook meals.

    Focus on being the best you that you can be no matter your gender and live your life the way that makes you happiest. You don’t owe anyone an explanation and you don’t have to defend your choices. If that bothers them, they are the ones who have to live with the discomfort and that’s their problem.

    I’m thrilled for your friends and their impending little one. May they experience all of the love, health, and happiness that comes with parenthood to help them through the trying, sleepless times.

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