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Made a mistake yesterday. I thought maybe I should go back to the music that first reminded me of Richard all those years ago. Maybe that would make the sex scene go smoother. I put in the soundtrack I listened to when Anita was first and very in love with Richard. But what I forgot is that it was a time when I was still very much in love with my first husband, Gary. It was the music that I danced a very tiny Trinity to sleep to. It was the music to a time in my life that doesn’t exist anymore. A time when I didn’t realize that there was a happiness greater than what I had, or that at some level I was already beginning to be miserable. I know there was a time when Anita was madly in love with Richard, and I wasn’t in love with my husband. I have no words to describe how painful it was to write about someone else in that first stage of deep love, while my own emotions were falling apart. It was exquisitely painful at times. Music can invoke memories, and I’ve spent two days listening to music that I now associate with a very hard time of my life. It isn’t Richard music for me anymore, it’s the sound track to the beginning of the end of my first marriage. Crap, no wonder I’ve been depressed. I was trying to recapture how Anita felt about Richard then, but I guess that old adage, you can’t go back, applies here, too. I have to find new Richard music. New music that helps me think of him, and them as a couple. I have to move on to what they are now, not what they were years ago. Relationships grow, or they die, but they don’t stay the same. So I’ve put on the music I normally listen to, and put the old stuff away. Damn.